Lived Experience Forum

[chibam]

I wanted to spend more time here earlier when I made my previous post, but I had to leave and so I just rattled off a quickie.

I feel like I have so much to say, but that in and of itself is a problem because I tend to make bloated posts that choke up other peoples' threads and I don't want to do that again today.

To answer the question at hand - No. I am not okay. I haven't been okay for decades now, and before that, I was only coasting on a delusion of hope that made me believe I would be okay, when in fact it was not to be.

That won't come as a surprise to some users on here who have probably noticed me expressing "worrying" attitudes recently; things I normally keep to myself. I've been wound up recently for a lot of reasons. Coronavirus, surprisingly, isn't one of them.

This is a bad year; a real bad milestone. And there have been a lot of other things going on that have got me confused and wound up. Reminders of how bad things are, how bleak the future looks, and teases of hope that seem to wax and wane with whatever ambiguous jargon the beaurocrat of the day seems to be dishing out.

I don't know my place and I hate not knowing my place. Am I just some insignificant egotistical little loudmouth who just annoys people and spoils things by making a fuss? Should I just shut up? Or do I posess essential insight that needs to be heard? I like to feel like I speak for many who don't seem to have a voice. But if I am just one of many, why have I always been so alone? Why does maintaining a warm atmosphere seem to hinge upon me holding my tongue?

How does a individual - with their own personal biases - determine whether they are being an entitled snob, or just fighting for a fair deal? I wish I could tell the differance so I could go to sleep knowing I'm one of the good guys.

Sorry. I guess this all seems disjointed and nonsensical without context. I could provide that, but as I said, I don't want to rabbit on and be a bore.

I just have a lot on my plate, that's all. A lot to worry about. And nothing good. And no hope on the horizon, either.

So: no, I am not okay.

[chibam]

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@Bow wrote:

i actually hate this day. its a day where people pretend to care by asking if your ok when any other day of the week they say nothing, or where you feel how truly lonely you are when noone actually asks you. 

im not ok. 

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@Arizona  wrote:

Me too @Bow . I think it's a load of bullsh*t.

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I agree. Even if people do ask (and that's a big "if"), where's the follow through? How does answering "no" ultimately result in our problems being resolved?

I, for one, am all for airing grievances if it's feasable that the conversation will lead to a solution. But if you know that there's no solution forthcoming, why bother? It just needlessly makes everybody uncomfortable.

If I have a crook knee, I may well go to the doctor and say: "Hey, I'm not okay," in hopes that that conversation will lead to him fixing my knee, or at least significantly remedying the problem. But if I know for a fact that he can't do anything for this type of knee problem, I'm not going to waste his time, am I?

To me, it's not differant when somebody asks you "RUOK?" and you know that they have no intention of following through with the sort of help you specifically tell them you need.

And IMHO, what makes it worse is that the movement itself actually tells the general public that they can't fix peoples' problems! (see: https://www.ruok.org.au/how-to-ask) That is completely false! Telling people that will probably reduce their willingness to even try to fix their friend's/family member's/ect. problem! So the movement itself is actually sabotaging it's own potential to help people who need it.

[chibam]

@bluee @Oaktree , I wanted to respond to your posts separate from my other remarks because they deserved their own response.

I'm very sorry for your struggles, and although our circumstances are differant, I can relate to much of what you both say. I, too, know what it is to 'just exist' without hope for the future; and to live under the weight of other peoples' expectations (even if I rarely understood them).

I wish I had solutions for you, but I'm afraid I have none.

Here's hoping that next year, "RUOK?" Day on the 9th is officially followed up with "Here's your solution!" Day on the 10th. I think we could all do with that.

[frog]

@chibam @Arizona @Bow I get what you said re RUOK. I used to hate it, but it makes sense on the forum because other people get the struggles. I have friends who understand me, and when they ask it's any day of the year and it's genuine. My hope is that everyone has at least one friend, here or local, who means it. Take care.

Hi@Emelia8 @Oaktree