Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Yes, our response is important @Shaz51 .  Childhood traumas are implicated in the aetiology of MI and the problem in relation to this brother relates to this. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Bit different in our case I think @Shaz51 @Former-Member ..... although similar childhood causes.  My mr, is locked in to wanting / needing to be honoured for behaviours that are ultimately destructive.  Anything that is not rewarding of them is rejected, so it is very difficult to find appropriate ways to support his fragile self-esteem without enabling this false direction.

I have to operate as a faith-keeper to the healthy path, which looks like the wrong path to him, so his is resistant to, but “tolerating” my “choices” .... which for me, and anyone who u n our situation from the inside, aren’t really choices.  They are the only responsible thing to do .....

[Former-Member]

 @Faith-and-Hope  I feel very uncomfortable with how Mr Darcy is presently responding toward his brother. 

As you say a delicate line of being supporting. acknowledging the hurts but at the same time trying to gently steer Mr Darcy's responses to ones which are more appropriate, which bring healing towards himself if not to both of them but without creating more hurt.   

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you @Former-Member , and appreciating that very much.

Because our situation is steeped in control issues, there is a hypersensitivity to any form of “guidance”, so even the gentlest of attempts can be met with an instant hostility, and in fact, inadvertently make things worse ..... mostly it involves passive resistance, which if applied with politeness and dignity, is hard to criticise outright, but exists as a thorn in their side regardless.

That is where diagnosis can make (perhaps the only real ??) difference, but looking back from that point, it would also shows up what my behavioural choices were in response - either this passive resistance, or enabling, or aggression, or ..... 

I try to function on intinct according to my value system, which may or may not be “correct”, but it’s all so volatile and muddy that you can only do the best you know how in the moment, which is what you are saying too .....albeit under different conditions .....

[Former-Member]

Oh yes @Faith-and-Hope ,  I have shame about some of my own responses that in hindsight were not helpul either and am acutely aware of my own failings. I know that for the most, I have tried to do the best I can and that my intentions have been good but the reality was that I was ignorant and naive - indeed I think you were the recipient of some of my unhelpful ramblings (and you were very kind in response).

I feel I need an extra serving of wisdom at present to handle this situation ...

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Determined @perseverer 

Unfortunately I tend to be far too reactive in my responses.  I need to try to take a step back and think before responding.  Otherwise it can definitely inflame the situation with hubby.  He can be extremely volatile and if I respond in kind, then it can get pretty heated.  Unfortunately my own MH issues often leads to a not exactly calm reaction to what I see as unreasonable demands and arguments.  When two people are dealing with PTSD (as we both are) and other major health issues, it lends itself to considerable difficulties in calm or reasonable communication.

Sherry 😵

[Faith-and-Hope]

I believe we are all naive and ignorant until we experience things in life that teach us otherwise @Former-Member , and I don’t see nativity or ignorance as negative - just innocent and untrained or inexperienced, none of which are a crime (that said in a soft and gentle tone with no judgment or indignity attached .... I am mindful that tone is absent from written communications .....) and @Former-Member @Former-Member I am Not always able to hold my tongue and be patient either .... so whether that is wise or not, it is what it is, and I think sometimes raw emotion carries a weight and justice of its own as well.

None of us is perfect, which for starters doesn’t exist outside God (for those of us who believe in Him), and I caution against self-judgement too (while falling under that bus myself sometimes too) because things can simply be what they are ..... and it is more about consequences perhaps than the behaviours themselves .....

If the consequenses of the behaviours we are witnessing in our husbands weren’t negative, we wouldn’t feel the need to resist them, or push against them, or react to them ..... and if the way we respond isn’t the “ideal” response, that’s okay too, because we can’t live the ideal all the time no matter how much we might try.

I think it comes back to values, and trying to balance them as best we can, on a ball, atop marbles on the the floor beneath it ..... and have the courage to simply try, and believe that things can be better, or at least okay-ish .... and worth it ..... and they are worth it ..... and we are worth it ...... and this way the illness doesn’t win either.

[Former-Member]

Time for another group hug ...

[Faith-and-Hope]

I’m in ❣️

[Determined]

Count me in too please