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Looking after ourselves

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Hello @Lisek

I think they know that they upset us , so myself i don`t think it helps our partners xx


how can you keep everything inside you and not mention it?-- that is why it is good to be able to talk to someone  like a forum , or a someone you can talk to


will it make them stop talking to us?-- took a while for my mr shaz to open up and it took all my power to listen first and then to talk

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@Shaz51 @Lisek 

I have had ro really work on just listening and not trying to fix things or supply solutions, just listen. 

I agree @Shaz51 we definatly need to be able to talk to someone and not bottle it up. This forum has been priceless for me over the last 2 years now. I do t know how I would have survived without it. Most blessed with the wonderful friends I have found here. 

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

And a belated welcome to @Lisek ☺


Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@Lisek I am in agreement with @Shaz51,  our loved ones that have insight are often acutely aware of the burden they are and reminding them of this is not helpful. Just as we cannot be responsible to how they react to things,  placing the responsibility of our own emotional responses on them is another load that is really not theirs to carry and it can further weigh them down.  


Realising that we cannot love our partners back to mental health is at first hard to swallow but can then become liberating as we focus on what we can do - providing a loving and supportive environment which leads to better outcomes. Encouraging them to get the level of professional support they need along with healthy lifestyle choices (management is far more than meds).  


Learning how to maintain our own mental health by employing strategies that foster resilience to reduce carer stress and burnout (the term for this is self care) is ever so important and having our own counselor is often  so helpful; they can help us with coping methods and psych education. This helps reduce "expressed emotion" that is the unhealthy responses to our loved ones disorders. They can also help us with "boundaries", that is relationship rules that protect our hearts.  


In times of crisis, such as when our loved ones are suicidal, we  do need to help them more and get them to a pdoc or hospital, whilst a GP can be helpful, these are times when specialist intervention is needed. When depressed, our loved ones are not good historians and other symptoms they have had are not passed on and can lead to a correct diagnosis not being made; carer collaboration is necessary.  Things like has your partner had times when they have spent too much money, had bizarre thoughts, thought they were someone extra special or have super powers? Have they spoken too quickly, had trouble staying on topic, change topic? Letting docs know response to previous medications is also helpful. (I have done a chart up).


I personally believe we can libe well in spite of a diagnosis. I have found that by letting Mr Darcy know that I am on his team, supporting and advocating for him,  reducing expressed emotion, having realistic expectations and being practical about things, life is a lot better. Mr D still struggles daily, there is "living grief", but there are many silver linings and I chose to focus on those.

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

We are soon to head off on a trip to catch up with family.  Our last 3 trips have been awful, with  Mr Darcy crying just about every night and I can't see this one being any better in that regard even though, as previously, he says he is looking forward to the trip.


Any travel tips would be appreciated.

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Popping in. 

Going on 13 years with my husband who has schizoaffective disorder. This is a great thread idea. 

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Unfortunately  no travel tips @Darcy  but thinking of you as you prepare to travel.

I think for us every holiday including honeymoon has had at least 1 significant event, I actually dread going away for more than a day so can relate to your concern 😔  


The biggest risk for us has thankfully been alleviated with our most recent car having deadlocks.

Does nothing for the wailing and verbal assaults but has dramatically reduced the risk of self harm meaning I can relax enough to better manage the other challenges. 

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@Lost1  dont think we have met but nice to meet you ☺

Approaching 20 years here with my darling who lives with bpd. 

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

I wish I could suggest something. I try to distract him with activities but I succeed as many times as I fail...and the fail effects me alot. You know when you though this will definately be something he likes and it ends up worse...everyone feels bad at the end. Even with simple things like lets go to cinema and as it turns out the day wasn't right and just simple fact that there was too many people around can cause total disaster. I'm sometimes scared to come up with anything.

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Hi @Lost1 

How are you going @Lisek ?

Mr Darcy seems to be going ok during the day, nights are harder for him. 

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