Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Cur715]

Hi guys,

I need help. My wife's long history of anxiety and depression is destroying our relationship. Every attempt to communicate with her is really hard and there is never a right time to talk things through.
I feel like the only thing keeping us together is our daughter who is almost two. I need some to talk to about our relationship as keeping my feelings to myself, which I feel like is my only option because I feel like I can't talk to any friends or family about it, is only making things worse.
Cheers.

[Pebbles]

Hi @Cur715

Thank you for your post and welcome to the Sane forums 🙂

It sounds like you are juggling a lot at the moment and are wondering where to go to from here? You touched on wanting to talk to someone about your relationship and that you don't feel like you have anyone to talk to about that at the moment. I wonder if any of the services at Relationships Australia could be helpful for you. The link is here for that website, please take a look when you have a moment. 

There is also a service called Mensline, which has a 24/7 helpline and can offer online or video counselling, please find the link for that here

Finding support for yourself is important, not only for yourself but for your wife and daughter too. If you feel like a supportive chat please feel free to contact us at the Sane Help Centre on 1800 187 263, that is avaialble Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm EST.

I hope you can find some support here,

@Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 I thought you like to say hi and possibly have some useful words of encouragement to offer. 

Take Care,

Pebbles 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Cur715 ..... 😊

Bit short on time at the moment, but I will get back to you a bit later on today ....

I have a husband in denial with a well-hidden eating disorder ..... it's ,asking other issues, perhaps anxiety, depression, OCD seems clearly involved ..... have had a long walk by his side these last few years and I might be able to give you some tips.  Needs more chat than this quick reply ....

Primary advice, while you can help her to get beyond it at the moment, be as kind as you can to her, but focus on your own emotional well-being, and I have found being able to talk about it on these forums invaluable !  You will find compassion, support, understanding and home-grown advice here, along with some pretty wacky humour at times which helps to break the tension of living with something so taxing on your own reserves.

Take care.  

F&H

[getbetter]

Hello Cur715

I have been doing some research on help for carers of those with a mental illness for my own family, most information is very basic unfortunately, I did find this organisation http://www.mentalhealthcarersaustralia.org.au/

They have a helpline and also offer a service (depending on where you are) whereby they will visit your house for counseling and to see how your going.

There are other organisations offering this service also I believe, uniting care and mental illness fellowship are two I think do it.

trying to find indepth information on how you can help your wife is difficult, sane and beyond blue and others have very basic factsheets for carers but generally the information in them you would probably already know, I have mentioned that to the mental health care commision and they acknowledge there may be a gap there,

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Cur715 and @getbetter

If I have done this correctly (!) this link should provide some support to understanding what you are dealing with and how it has to transition through stages. I found it invaluable .... rather than being lost in our situation, it gave me some scaffolding ....

http://triumphwellness.com/the-5-stages-of-change/

Still running at the mo .... back later .....

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Cur715 .... how are you doing ?  

I'm back, but travelling o/s so in a different time zone.  Happy to listen if you want to talk some more about it.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Cur715, and welcome to the forum

how are you going today ?

My husband has a  long history of anxiety and depression and MI too

you said there is never a right time to talk things through.--- I have found this too , with me I have had to drop suggestions , finding the right time is hard , I also found I could not say too much as well

keeping my feelings to myself, which I feel like is my only option because I feel like I can't talk to any friends or family about it, is only making things worse.-- I do this @Cur715, I know totally what you mean

and I have found the forum sooo helpful as I can let it all out , talk about it here has really helped me

and dont forget you , self care is so inportant so we can look after others

remember you are not alone , we are here for you

Hello @getbetter, @Faith-and-Hope, @Pebbles

[getbetter]

Hello

Something we came up with when talking to the carer groups is if the person can write down triggers, signs, symptoms that let your family know that you are having a bad day, I recently did an hourly mood chart of 5 days for my Dr, it may also help my family to recognise when is a good time to talk and when not, (I realise some sufferers may not want to or be able to give in depth feedback) I was recently trying to show my family something on the tv and my brain would not let me think how to use the remote, embarrasing and frustrating, my family were poking fun at me which at the right time is fine, I said calmly don't do that twice and on the third time I snapped and my sister said "it's like walking on egg shells with you" I said yes your right and I walk on them every day all day, after the blow up I pointed out that I was trying to warn them politely and they either ignored that or did not pick up on it, for me being able to pickup on the early hints could help someone with a mental illness, when I talk to the carers groups about writing some in depth instructions like I just explained they say, "but everybodies different, but I believe we could help our carers understand better with instructions that are common amongst those with a mental illness, yes we are all different but a lot of the symptoms, sign and responses are similiar.

[Shaz51]

Hello @getbetter, @Cur715

good advice @getbetter

I have had to learn it on the way , still learning

my husband seems to go around in a cycle , so keeping an eye on him , I know when to make sure we have a day off ( sometimes I miss it or something else happens ) like the kids or work or other things

sometimes it is hard to find the right balance and sometimes you are taken by surprise

[Rosa]

Sadness, grief & dispare are the thieves of time. I know I feel Ive lost the last 5 years. A family member with issues leaves unexpected burdens on those left standing. With a little one in toe you are a lucky man. Children are a blessing so enjoy your child & myself I just pretend some days that "this is not happening to me".  I learnt through live experience that worrying does not fix anything, it makes it worst. Unfortunately depression  seems contagious at times, I find thinks of a physical nature to do to relieve the stress. Having time out from family issues for me is a must and its great to just BE. I found the more physical the better. I dig it, mow it, paddle it, crazy dance it [while no ones looking] with loud music, anything that puts body in control and not mind. All the best & hugs to your two year old. Everyone loves a two year old. Power walking a pram sounds like a cheap option. The fitter I get the tougher I get.