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Looking after ourselves

saltandpepper
Senior Contributor

My Choice

I've been a miserable c*** for a long long time. Most of you guys have probably seen me struggling a bit on here of late. It's been brutal to be honest.

I gave up a lot to be with my ex, one being substance use, wasn't even allowed to have a smoke let alone anything else.

 

I've been on the straight and narrow for years, taking my "medication" going to therapy. But still been a miserable c*** and trapped in a cycle of shit.

 

I quite honestly had forgotten what it's like to not feel depressed and suicidal and constantly torture myself with past trauma. I'm done with it. Seriously fu*king done with doing things that other people think are best for me. Only I'm in my head, it should only ever be up to me to decide how to treat my depression. I'm so fu*king done with all this shit that doesn't ever fu*king work. I'm never giving weed up again, not for anyone, ever.

 

This morning I actually wanted to get out of bed, that's never happened. Today I went for a jog and actually enjoyed it. Today I ate food, and didn't spew afterwards. Today I didn't get stuck thinking about offing myself. Today I laughed, danced, sang, and I feel like a different person. I feel good.

 

And I don't mean I'm going to sit around and get baked all the time. Just enough to get a buzz, you wouldn't even know I've had a hit. I feel so fu*king good and I miss feeling good like this.

 

I wanna go off my AD's, have an app with gp in a couple weeks so will talk to her about it. Done with these meds, done with therapy, done with not doing what actually makes me feel better.

66 REPLIES 66

Re: My Choice

ooooh @saltandpepper 

 

so glad you did not think of offing yourself and had a dance today.

 

Good luck with your conversations.  One thing my ex used to do was to figure out the orientation of a doctor before he went.  Comes from holidaying with doctors and their families as a lil kid, so knowing they are really just human beens ... and not magical gods ....but the reality is here he is just an average joe blow and has to put up with run of the mill ...

 

we can do research a little with the net ... but sometimes we just have to risk it ... cos life is complicated

 

ha ha ... the ups & downs of life ... whether about external or internal events .... about simple biology or having a little extra help ....

 

Dont listen to me ... I did the opposite ...to your ex ... well not quite the oppposite ... but I understood going off every few months was essential to my husband ... so accepted it .... my bottom line ... was ... not hurting anybody ....

 

Hope you can dance again ... with or without help ... I had a boogie the other day ...

Cheers Apple

StuF
Senior Contributor

Re: My Choice

@saltandpepper 

All power to you 🙂

Re: My Choice

Cheers @Appleblossom @StuF feels like a weight off my shoulders 😌

Re: My Choice

You are the expert on you @saltandpepper 

Wishing you well!

Hi @Appleblossom @StuF 

How's everyone going today?

 

StuF
Senior Contributor

Re: My Choice

@frog @saltandpepper @Appleblossom 

 

Hi all. Going ok today thanks. The wind is gone, just been on a pleasant walk.

How are you?

Re: My Choice

Been out for a walk by the river  @StuF @frog @saltandpepper 

 

Came home to my son doing jobs around the house.

 

So pretty good even tho we are in lockdown.

 

Some choices we can make and somethings we cannot control ... and finding the best line for us to walk along with our own values .... is life.  

 

 

Re: My Choice

Well said @Appleblossom 

I'm a bit better thanks @StuF 

Going to take knock out prn and hopefully go into the work week more rested.

How's it going @saltandpepper 

Hope everyone's easing into Sunday evening.

BlueBay
Senior Contributor

Re: My Choice

Good on you @saltandpepper  it is your decision to stay on meds or not. Snd if you feel fantastic and not suicidal while smoking a little - well no one can say anything. It's your body, your choice. Snd sounds like you had a great day - laughing, getting out of bed, dancing.  (I wanna know what song were you dancing to?!!! Lol 

xxx

Re: My Choice

Hey folks @frog @Appleblossom @StuF 👋 just got home, been out with my boy. Found a bit of "street art" at the town we went to. And I shall use this image to communicate my current mood @frog ...

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