Looking after ourselves
22-09-2022 03:47 PM
Is it really all my fault?
I don't really know how to start...I've been in a longterm relationship with an amazing guy and everything could be great. This is about half of the year. The other half his depression and anxiety gets so bad that he starts not caring about anything, accumulates debts, quits his job and hardly leaves the bed. It's like two completely different people. I don't know what to do anymore.... He knows he got problems, but is sceptical and probably embaressed and scarred to get help. It's been like this for 6 years now. He got terribly abused by his dad as a kid and now, because of our continually unstable situation, we've been back living with his parents (who just ignore what has happened) for over a year now. I know it makes things much worse, but with everything being as it is we have no hope of moving out. Sometimes I say something random and he has a massive go at me for things that I feel he says more to his dad then myself. Or not? I really don't know anymore if what I feel and do is what I think I feel and do. It's extremely hurtful and confusing. I've always supported him financially, in every decision he makes and tried to be understanding and not pushy, but when he gets angry everything that's wrong in his life is my fault. I tried to see a therapist to understand and help him cope better, but I can't even afford that. I used to suffer from anxiety myself and it's just getting too much. I just feel so stuck and hopeless lately...I want to help him, but it feels like I am breaking apart over it. He is also pushing for having kids as if that's a cure, which I am not ready for yet....how could I with everything being so unpredictable and unstable? How can I plan a future with someone who is constantly threatening to break up over little disagreements as if the world is just ending? I know this is not therapy, I just felt I needed to tell someone...
22-09-2022 04:14 PM
Re: Is it really all my fault?
heya @Justme31, welcome to the forums ❤️ I'm TuxedoCat, one of the peer worker and moderators here! I want to welcome you and thank you for sharing your story with us. Like you said, it's not therapy, but we can still support each other! What I love about the forums is that we share our own experiences with each other. And thats special and valuable ❤️
Firstly, wow, this is so much for you to be holding ❤️ it's no wonder you're feeling unsure about the future because there are so many changes and so much unpredictability. I hear you really empathising with him and how he might be scared and embarrassed about getting help. No relationship should should cause you to support something to your "breaking apart" or pressure you into kids if you're not ready (or even if you're unsure! Kids are a massive commitment!). This sounds a lot like a relationship I was in for years. And I think I understand the confusion you said you're feeling ❤️
If you're up for it, I recommend checking out the Relationships Australia website or give them a call
Secondly, your own mental health is super important. On this carers, fmaily and friends forum, we have a few awesome threads where we support each other
And I thought I'd also link some other things we have at SANE
- I noticed you talked about therapy being super expensive. I feel you! I'm not sure where you're located, but we have a program where you can get 12 free 1-on-1 sessions. Have a look here if your postcode is included
- We also have our drop-in line for one off counselling through phone or via chat (although you can call as many times as you want!) You can speak with a counsellor mon-fri 10am-10pm. Here is the website with the info
Again, welcome and amazing work on reaching out for support. I'm looking forward to getting to know you ❤️
22-09-2022 07:08 PM
Re: Is it really all my fault?
It's not you.
I'm no doctor or therapist, but I know your sort of situation all too well.
I understand the strain. I can't tell you what to do as I myself have not been coping well with my situation either so I'm no expert but you are not alone and it's not on you.
It's not even entirely on your partner it's on the condition.
However I can advise not to give up. If you love him then use that as your own baseline, your constant. I'd also advise not giving up finding help or the right people to help. TRUST ME I know that is hard.
Still ask yourself this...would you be happy to let the negative or bad rob you of your love? Your partner? Your future? I'd hope not because they wouldn't see nor care for the damage they've let happen (through in action or deliberate actions)
I'd also advise to take in-laws advice and in put with a grain of salt. They may have raised the boy, but as his partner you know the man. You have insights into aspects they don't get. Try edging into an alliance as my belief is pulling resources is best (what they know/what you know) to better help the one in need but if they just won't then just be polite but don't ask or need of them where possible.
I'd advise two setting up in a notebook or your phone resources that help you. Photos of better moments with your partner, soothing or inspiring songs, maybe even try setting time (if you can) to go out with friends or yourself for a culpa or movie once a week ect. (look at me forwarding on sage advice I previously didn't accept ☺) but even if this idea dasn't work now it may later. Keeping positives in hand can be a huge help.
1.Find what you are working towards
2. Set up resources
3. Never let the negative or unhelpful speak for the whole world
Good, real, help exists.
My last advice is (again it's hard) but try to not be too hard on him or yourself as depression from childhood trauma is very tricky and complex. That I have from personal experience because that is one of my conditions not my partner's (though his and his parents have similar aspects to your situation)
It isn't a choice but a chemical thing so I'd advise holding on and keep trying to reach out. It is true he maybe worried about reaching out - he'd be right! The wrong help can be brutal and damaging more first hand experience- but real good help is out there. Keep looking.
Oh, and when he's down it may help if you suggest things important to you guys. Example being: my partner and I have a lot of foods and places that are very dear to us. When he's not well I buy something from there or suggest going out to them and it helps. It also is another way to build new memories. I hope any of this helps. Again not flawless advice just suggestions that may help. All the best.