Lived Experience Forum

[M_P90]

Tonight something super surprising happened. 

I should first give context- I suffered anxiety since I was a toddler. Probably selective mutism if I had seen a mental health professional but childhood anxiety was not well understood then unfortunately. I think this is why I started eating repetitively. My paediatrician said I was a little on the chunkier side and told my mum to take me to a dietician. The dietician said my mum needs to control what I eat. 

My mum has had body image issues for a long time, among trauma and other things. She got super controlling not only with my eating but hers. The cupboards were often bare so that she and I could "control ourselves." One week to the next I had a food group just cut out of my diet altogether, as were the dieting trends of the day. I began really engaging in disordered eating at about the age of 10. 

A lot has happened over my life and I have complex trauma, mental health struggles and an eating disorder. I am now in my 30s. For many reasons, my parents weren't able to meet my emotional needs when I was a child, and my mum and I have had a very strained relationship. She was always focused on the threat of the outside world, and wanted to protect me. She wanted me to not suffer the judgment of other people, and tried to control me into being as "normal" as possible. She used to make the must hurtful remarks about my size, and other things. She doesn't respond to boundaries very well either, so I had to tell her over and over again in my adult life which comments were appropriate and which were not. I have spent a long time feeling really unheard by my mother. 

Only a few weeks ago, when I spoke about my eating disorder recovery. She said I should just cut out carbs. I was so angry and upset. I didn't say a lot to her at the time, but inside I was fuming thinking of the things her obsession with thinness has cost me. Even just smaller things like having a meal together can be excruciating because she has rigid rules around what she can & can't eat, and my choices would attract judgment, and it was never simple. Bigger things of course were my self esteem and confidence, and my eating disorder- which is so entwined in our relationship. I thought the thing is, she has her very own disordered thinking and behaviour around eating - independent of me! And it has been with her longer than I have, and it is entrenched. I made peace that she might never understand why I need to look at food and size so differently, and why I need to avoid dieting, and why her comments hurt. 

Tonight, she told she's going to stop her crazy diets and has picked up one of the seminal books in eating disorder recovery on intuitive eating to support me and my treatment. Even with the paragraphs above, I still can't really explain how much that blew me away. My mum has rarely been able to see past her own fears and see me, like rarely if ever. And I know disordered eating is another armour for fear, and it would be so uncomfortable for her to actually step away from it. I was in a really depressed place, and I just couldn't believe she would do this for me. I'm not sure if I can ever explain the significance of that. I once told a friend in desperation and anger, if she could choose to have the body of her dreams, or a relationship with her daughter, she would choose the former. So, yeah.

I know many of us would have pretty complicated relationships with family. When families are so fractured and destroyed and we are young and developing, this is where you usually end up later - on complex mental health forums. And I really want to acknowledge that so often the people that hurt you won't change. But the times that they do, the times that continuous cycle of trauma and awfulness breaks, it's really a moment of hope in the world. So, that's why I wanted to share it. 

[bleepbloophello]

Hi @M_P90 , thank you for sharing this, I just wanted to say it made me happy to hear and you seem like a cool, self-aware person. I hope this is the beginning of a positive shift for you and your mum.

[NatureLover]

@M_P90  what a breakthrough! I'm happy for you! I hope this is the start of your mum being more supportive. 

[M_P90]

Thanks! I try to be haha 

[Gwynn]

Really glad for you and your mum!

[Clawde]

Beautiful story so honest wow just what we need hear heavy stuff heaven and earth thanks be being so honest with us 

we love and need truth so we Thankyou from  all of all good on you love thanks from  @ Clawde  it has made my day keep on looking aafter your self love we love being in your life you help us so much really love from Clawde 

[wellwellwellnez]

That makes me happy.