Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Wishdream]

Hi All. I'm new here.
I have been with my partner for the last 9 months. Things happened very fast. We live together.
After lots of alcohol abuse and ups and dowms he admitted to having bipolar.
He is refusing to get treatment.
I recently found he has been hiding his mobile phone and getting messages from other woman.
He is very hard to deal with and puts blame on me for his actions.
I am now starting to have panic attacks myself
Sometimes I feel like he is doing things that may upset me or cause an argument on purpose.
I feel this is coming to an end now. Unfortunately there is something that keeps me hanging on.
I need to somehow try and step back. I think i have turned into a morher figure and Im always trying to control things so that nothing bad happens.
My insecurities are now even worst when it comes to infidelity.
Thanks for reading. I guess im looking for tips on how i can help him. And how i can help my own behaviour so it makes things easier.
Is it better if i pretend not to care. Or should i keep bringing up these problems with him. I feel this makes his behaviour worst.
Many thanks and best wishes.

[Former-Member]

Hi Wishdream,

Welcome to the forums.

Only you can decide how you want to respond in your relationship. It sounds like your partner is not showing any empathy or compassion for you. It might seem a bit contrary to your nature if you are a caring person but if your partner's is not making an effort I think you need to put your own wellbeing first. It does not sound like your feelings are being considered. I do not think you can just ignore someone playing the field so to speak unless you have had a discussion and both feel it is something you are comfortable with. 

My thoughts are with you.

Cheers.

[Wishdream]

Thank you for your kind words. Makes a lot of sense.
I really appreciate it.
There is definitely no empathy or compassion. It has become very one sided
I also believe it is impossible to keep giving when there is refusal of any treatment plan.
I think I have a big decision to make.
You have really helped, a big thank you ☺

[Appleblossom]

Gentleigh Bentleigh @Wishdream

Having a mental illness is not an excuse to treat a partner and a loved one badly. Putting up with it can become an encouragement to allow harmful behaviour. Take care of you.  Follow your instincts, mothering is best for children not grown ups.  Good Luck

[NikNik]

I just want to echo what @Appleblossom and @Former-Member

How are things travelling now @Wishdream ?

[Wishdream]

Im sorry for my late reply. I started to feel bad for talking about my partner behind his back but i know i cant do this without support. I almost felt guilty. This is how bad its gotten me.

I had forgotten to mention that one of the woman he had been in contact with was his ex partner. He said he wanted to meet her. He knew this had upset me. I felt he had been baiting me with it for the last 4 weeks. I finally said to just go and if he leaves to go back to that relationship i wont be reconnecting. The last 4 days he dropped it and he has been kind again. It was almost like i just gave up and he realised it didnt upset me anymore.

He is from a country town. We live in the city. He begged me to visit with him this weekend. I came along. His family and friends are lovely. We had a day out yesterday to watch his local football team. He started drinking and wouldn't stop.

He started treating me as though i didnt exist, spoke to other woman, made sexual remarks about them in front of me and told me to go away. Along with trying to start fights with other men and stating that he runs the town.

His friends had enough and left. One offered me a bed and said i shouldnt put up with it. This went on from 12pm to 12 midnight. I basically stayed until his energy ran out.

Eventually we got home. I couldnt get back without him. My phone was flat and i didnt have a key. His mother came out devistated once again.

He was in such a hypomanic state and now he seemed to be coming down and was in a mini crisis mode. Screaming out and in distress.

I know this morning he will wake up and think its all ok. Its not ok. I start my new dream job that ive worked hard to get in 1 weeks time. I dont want to deal with this. My quality of life is being effected. Im even feeling guilty for opening up to others about this.

Im a 34 yo woman and i just want respect, peace and happiness.

Thank you for your support.

Wishdream.

[Former-Member]

Hi Wishdream,

No need to reply unless you want to. 

How are you doing? I have been really busy with the usual family, work and study stuff. I know what you mean about sharing details. I try not to share anything that might identify myself or my family.

Congratulations on starting a new job. Starting your dream job must be adding to your stress levels.

You can write what happened off to experience and just refuse to go anywhere with your partner unless you have a plan B.

Hope your dream job works out how you want it to.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Wishdream

I am only one voice here, but this is what I am seeing in your situation as you have described it -

You have a choice here. You can live with the pattern that this relationship is following, or you can change the pattern.

It doesn't' sound like you are happy to live with it, so that leaves the option to change it.

To change it by yourself, you have the next choice. You can stay and try to convince your partner to join you in the process of changing the pattern of the relationship, or you can cut your losses and leave him, embarking on your new dream job as a new adventure for yourself that will bring new opportunities and maybe a new caring and sharing relationship with someone who values you more than your current partner.

To stay with your partner and change the negative pattern of your relationship, he will need to feel that there is a negative consequence if he doesn't agree to help change the relationship - like losing you - and positive reasons to help bring about the change - like a happier, healthier you and him.

From what you have described, it doesn't sound like that is important to him right now. It sounds like he is numb, deaf and blind to the pain he is causing you, and to the self-destructive behaviour he is investing all his time and energy in. He is not feeling any consequences strong enough to make him want to change, and you can't change the whole pattern on your own.

As I said, I am only one voice. Maybe listen to some other voices as well, and see what you begin to hear as your own voice. It can be confusing when you are living in the middle of chaos, but you will begin to figure out the truth of what to do in your own best interests, while he is not thinking about that at all.

Good luck. There will always be someone here to listen. Be true to yourself. Someone who really loves you will value that in you.