Lived Experience Forum

[tori_]

I have exams starting tomorrow and I am going to fail all of them. That is a fact.

My mental health took a downfall at the beginning of the semester and it did not stop it's descent. I thought I could handle and manage it on my own, like I have in the past, but this was out of my league. After a moment of clarity, I looked back and realized that I fell into a depression so severe, I hadn't noticed the last time I had washed my hair, which was so tangled, I could barely tie it in any way (it's very curly so you can imagine the size and damage of the knot that formed). I hadn't been eating, sleeping, I had completely isolated myself from friends and classmates and was a literal zombie. That was what pushed me to reach out and find help with the therapists at the university. It helped in some way, but not with my academic struggles, which were only getting worse. 

While my issues with sleeping and eating were mitigated with medication, I was still not able to function when it came to my studies. I couldn't focus, had no motivation or drive and any attempts to study was met with an overwhelming amount of anxiety about everything I had to do and learn and how I wasn't doing that and how behind I was. It was such a tremendous feeling comparable to a tsunami that just kept growing and growing, that I did everything I could to avoid facing it. But everything that goes up, must come down and my tsunami has reached its peak with the finals nearing. The feeling was so extreme, that I resorted to something I never thought I would be able to do, and it worried even me. 

So I emailed my professor and explained my situation and apologized because my performance is expected to be horrible and it was not due to her lack of teaching, nor my lack of trying or interest. It was one of the things that was causing me the most anxiety. Failing wasn't the worst part, but being seen as a failure or lazy or anything negative or lacking was causing feelings of shame and embarrassment to come through and exacerbate my current situation. 

She was so considerate and caring and wished I had reached out sooner, so that more could be done to prevent me reaching this point. I never reached out because I kept isolating myself with the belief that no one could help me/should help me. That this was no one's responsibility but my own, and I had to struggle and fix it on my own. That is not true. Please reach out and get the help that you need. In retrospect, there are many aspects to my situation that could've either been avoided or mitigated to a point that could've prevented me falling into a depression this deep. I personally still need help and I am still not okay. I hope I will be, someday. 

[tyme]

Hey @tori_,

Thanks for sharing. Let me guess, you are in uni?

When I was at uni and still going through a very difficult part in my mental health journey, I had a reasonable adjustment plan in place which meant I received extra support for the duration of my studies.

At the beginning of each semester/trimester, I contacted each professor with my reasonable adjustment plan and they were incredibly supportive. This just meant I did not have to get a medical certificate each time I needed an extension or extra support.

I think it was this reasonable adjustment plan that got me through uni.

Please reach out if you need a chat. 

tyme

[tori_]

Hey, @tyme thanks for replying.

Yes, I am and I do have one, but it's complicated. Firstly, I applied for it very late in the semester, and it went through after exams had passed, so it was no help. Also, because my mental health has worsened, my accommodations don't necessarily fit with my current needs, if that makes sense. (My accommodations were done with a 2 year old assessment as well, not a current one). My therapist believed other accommodations would be more beneficial for me, but it's too late for any changes to be made. They could probably make the adjustments for next semester or next year, but for now I am stuck. 

Because they cannot make any changes, they told me my only option is applying for special consideration, which does require a medical certificate.  

[tyme]

Hi @tori_ ,

Thanks for clarifying. Yes, it sounds like the special consideration route is the path to go down this time, and then revisit your adjustments for the next semester. Certainly something to think about.

I did find communication to professors early on really did help as they were aware of my situation.

All the best with your exams.

Let us know how things go for you.

[tori_]

Thank you @tyme ; I will update after.

I know communicating with professors was the smart thing to do. Sadly, I was too embarrassed to do it early on and I regret it. Which is why I made this post. Hopefully someone can learn from my mistake.

[Zoe7]

Hi @tori_ and thank you for sharing. I know you said you made mistakes but I do not see it as such. We do the best we can when we can and although it would have been ideal to have things in place earlier to help, we cannot go back and change those things. The important thing now is you are moving forward with a plan and have support. Uni is hard enough at the best of times but hopefully now with support and these adjustments you will be able to manage both your mental health and study more positively. With my first degree, I took 4 years to do a 3 year course - but I got there. There are so many people, for one reason or another, take time to complete their course ...but it is never the time that is important - it is the learning and achievement that is ...and that includes learning about ourselves. Good luck going forward.  

[tori_]

@Zoe7, thank you for replying. It means a lot.

I've already been held back a year due to COVID and the borders being closed, back when I started online. Another issue with my degree is that I cannot study one semester without passing the previous one. I must pass all of the courses before moving to the next semester. Meaning that not passing this one course will keep me back for an entire year, before I can retake the course and continue my studies. Being held back another year has been causing me more grief and anxiety, than anything else. 

I have never been one to leave the past behind, accept my choices and move forward. I have always ruminated over every regret, every 'wrong' choice, and think of all of the things I could've done differently. This does not help my mental health in any way and I hope I learn better habits and let this go someday.

Thank you!

[Zoe7]

I believe you have already taken steps to move forward in seeking help @tori_ - and that needs to be acknowledged. I do hear you about not being able to move on with your course without completing this present course but in the long run one more year is a drop in the ocean - the important thing ultimately will be that you finish when you can. If you do not pass this time then can you do something completely different ie. part-time work for a while and enjoying things you are interested in to be able to reset a little before you continue next year. Sometimes that break for ourselves, to look after ourselves, is the reset we need.

[Former-Member]

Hi @tori_ 

I hope you relax today and just do what you can. Maybe relaxing will not happen.

It is good you learnt lessons on the way.

I hope you can focus with exams.

Sounds like you have a positive strategy going forward.

Good luck today.

[Former-Member]

Hi @tori_ 

I hope your day went alright.

I hope you found compfort in the replies.

So much good tips going forward

Have a great evening