To those who read this, please hear what I'm saying. Thanks. This is a decision I know I've been needing to make. My head is only clearing extremely slowly and I cannot rush that process because it will create more stress and longer recovery time for me.
My thinking towards myself is negative due to a few things. Incredibly low self esteem, abuse and a dicky brain that is having trouble generating positivity.
I have been reflecting a lot these last couple of weeks, though especially in the last few days. I'm.aware that I have a lot of work to do. Rotary can be very time consuming and also it requires money.
The latter I actually wasn't aware of with Rotary. I've had two bad experiences so far with projects, the most recent one I withdrew from. I've been in touch with the president, she is aware of the reasons why and she understands. It was because of a very dominant and controlling Rotarian whom was doing the wrong thing in so many ways regarding this project.
It is the second time I have had this experience with the same Rotarian and apparently there are a few others too. The president is aware that it's likely the reason members have left over the years because of these dominant personalities. It's a major issue that the president needs to sort out. I could make a lot of suggestions but haven't been asked so I won't.
I have been involved long enough to see the problems in the club. The older long term members must allow changes to occur and stop dominating the newer members, putting fresh new ideas forward, and limiting the club's growth.
Anyhow, moving forward, I'm just no longer excited or passionate about Rotary. I'm not looking forward to going back on the 6th. These issues need strong and swift action. I feel like there is just no point to being there.
Aside from that, putting Rotary aside for the moment. My life is a heck of a mess. I need time to sort out the mess and problems. There are no quick fixes. There is a possibility that I have a long term recovery period with a part of my physical health which means my life will need to be changed somewhat. I have no ability to earn money with Rotary and an income is what I need to improve on.
What I want to do is take a six month break from Rotary so I can sort me and my life out. At the moment I do not see how Rotary will have a positive impact towards doing that. I.do not want to make the decision of leaving altogether but I do want a break.
I'm.feelimg quite angry as well that I was stopped from doing things that would have made a difference because of people's desire to control and dominate. I took a hard stand with the president about it.
On the other hand, I do love Rotary. I never would have gone through what I did to become a member. I know I will miss aspects of it. I also know I need to really take good care of myself right now as I'm really not in a good place in myself.
I've been through a huge rollercoaster of hell for 2020 and honestly I am so wiped out still. I want to make good choices for myself. My head is struggling to do so in my own.
These are my struggles.
