Lived Experience Forum

[Bipolar94]

Im finding it so hard to make a solid decision about anything when i dont know what the outcomes will be! Its making it so hard to decide what my next step is...

Im a nurse. I graduated in 2018. The last year or so ive begun to really hate being a nurse due to a range of reasons that ive previously posted about.

So i sit here, unemployed still and wondering what to do next.

I thought i might like to work in admin but even if i did that full time i wouldnt be earning the same wage. I still doubt myself in everything i do and could possibly do. I feel like i wouldnt be good enough to do that sort of work.

Tomorrow morning im supposed to have an interview for an admin position but close to cancelling that interview because of this self doubt and because my son and i are sick with possibly covid right now. The interview is via skype.

Then i had a friend message me today asking how my midwifery studies are going and i replied to her honestly, that it became too stressful to do.

And now im sitting here questioning everything, what direction my life should go now. What direction to take my career in.

Do i try out the health admin sort of jobs?

Do i continue to be a nurse but go study child and family health(community nursing)?

Do i keep going with my midwifery goal i set 10 years ago? Do i continue to under graduate midwifery or drop out of it and just keep applying for the post graduate midwifery?

I hate having to make this decision. I hate having no one to consult about these sort of decisions(single mum). I wish i had someone else to choose my path for me. I feel like ive wasted so much time already. 

Started uni at 20/21, finished uni when i was 24. Did a new grad position when i didnt complete because fulltime nursing work burnt me out severely. Have been in aged care for longer than i hoped for which has lead me to hate nursing now so i feel like getting out of aged care completely will possibly reignite something. Spent the last 2 years doing the under graduate midwifery course which i found too stressful while working, i was again getting burnt out. So now i have a massive HECS debt because of all this wasted time. I desperately want another baby, thats also something i hoped to have happen sooner than now. My son in 11 later this year and still only one child, i have the biggest mum guilt for not giving him a sibling. It also makes me not want to study again right now so i could have a second child. If i pick up study again now then id have to put off that plan and wont end up having m second before i turn 30(yes this is a massive deal for me).

Feeling majorly deflated with how my life has turned out to be now😓

[LookingHopeful]

@Bipolar94 sending love! 

I really feel with you, truly I do. ❤️

A lot of what you have said are all too familiar feelings I have felt. And I am sorry but I still don't have the answer. 

I truly felt the same that I just want someone to chose for me because the thought of choosing what job I am going to do really got me down. I had some good jobs in the past where I was able to work outdoors and see wildlife on a daily basis but alas it doesn't pay all too well and I freaked out thinking I was old enough to be on a proper salary job and now I am in a remote town with a title job and full time permanent contract and I am STILL questioning. 

This is the first time I have made a dent in my HECS, contribute to my super and save for a house deposit but I am still riddled with doubt as all my anxiety has started up in an intense way and I haven't had this previously so I am still questioning. 

I wish I could wave a wand and let you know the decision to make. Someone once told me that no matter which path we take we will all eventually end up on the correct place for us so each decision is the right decision. Some days it makes sense but others obviously it feels like a reach.

It sounds like you have done an amazing job so far being a nurse and a single mum, you are amazing and I am on your journey with you. 

[wellwellwellnez]

I used to see self-care as an indulgence. Now I see that the better self-care makes us our better selves, which is one of the generous things you can do.

Just thought I'd through that in. A little reminder of your resources. Maybe with a bit of strategic self-care the answers will come easier.

I also think it's a good idea to take a few steps in each direction and then pausing to see how your heart and stomach feels. That process can be pretty informative.

[Flying_Hams]

hi @Biploar94

Direction is a funny thing but it can be quite a nuisance. You sound like you are asking yourself lots of questions. It may sound trivial, but sometimes I find writing out a list of ALL the things on my mind and the things I need to do can force me to look at them all and then prioritise them. Maybe that could assist ?

Alternatively, maybe go deeper into yourself? Why do you feel you need to complete the midwifery goal you set 10 years ago? Why do you hate nursing (or do you hate some aspect of it that could otherwise be avoided in a role similar - apologies idk how the nursing industry operates).

Currently I work in administration but I am strongly thinking of leaving it because it isn't my forte. I thought I would enjoy it because it was close to something I studied but now I realise that it is nothing like I thought and even I could move out of home and live on my own now... but I'd be lying to myself and I'd be lying to my family and friends and I think I would not last much longer in it.

Adopting responsibility for those around us who rely on us (like you mentioned with regards to your son) is one of the most meaningful pursuits ever. You sound like you are around the same age as me.

I hope you find some answers

Sometimes as well though it helps to remember that the 20s are all about trying things and figuring yourself out - even just the trying part - we don't actually have to have it figured out per se