@Teej
I didn't expect a response after your family had gone, but wow. That's some response. Thank you for sharing so much about you with me. I understand @Faith-and-Hope
knows much better than me, but gosh, so much of your story is #me too. I'm crying a few tears right now and my heart is heavy with how much hurt is in your heart.
I don't have brilliant traits and strength Teej. I'm a coward when it comes to conflict. Or I get defensive and look/sound pathetic. And I run with my tail between my legs and hide for as long as possible.
I'm so shite with relationships I've barely have any friends. The few close friends I had I destroyed with my dependency on them & also putting them on a super high pedestal. Now I see their flaws. I've never had school friends, play friends, work friends, whatever friends. The only two people who call me to genuinely ask if I'm OK are my foster sister and my only friend in this city. I've had three partners in my life and none lasted more than 3 years. No kids either.
My nursing was my identity, my everything. I never truly belonged and was bullied many times. I never really fitted in a team except for one job. Besides the bullying, I was often harassed by managers for being slow, talking to my patients too much, not understanding techniques properly. Nursing was the stitches that held me together. It gave me respect, it gave me money to travel and dazzle people with my stories, which me feel special. It gave me purpose and a mission. It gave me power over life and death. But last year at this time, that stitching wasn't unpicked. It was ripped wide open. Its so frayed its not possible to peice back together. So my identity now is nothing. No one. I have no real purpose. I have no idea who to be anymore, and what is next for me. It's like I've lost a rudder and I'm drifting.
Like you, I have disproportionate emotions. I have shame layered on shame and guilt. Like the shame I was such a bad child my mother rejected me. And continually rejected me as a child, and told me that I was useless, like my schools told me I wouldn't be anything because I never tried hard enough. I have the shame of Sa from two people, one I stupidly idolised and sought love and approval from, to be groomed and used.
I could go on, but this isn't about me. But I want you to see, others are like you too @Teej
That doesn't make your hurt go away or make it any less invalidating. It sucks when something you wanted, probably needed and hoped for you didn't get. And I'm really sorry about that. It must be devastating.
You are a strong link of the chain in this forum. You really are. You are kind, generous, gentle and even inspirational. You help me by your similarities to understand myself, and occasionally be ok about who I might be. You've often said things to me or others that make me think, yep, she understands that really well.
My only form of control through this chaos is self destructive acts too. I won't give that up, and finally my case manager agrees that although not ideal, I need even just the idea of self harm to gain control of feelings or situations I can't control.
You need to put that guilt and shame away eventually once and for all. We both have to learn to let go. It serves no purpose but to punish us for crimes we are innocent of, and had to say in the involvement of.
Gentle, gentle hugs @Teej
Like @Faith-and-Hope
has said, keep pouring it out here. I'll always be listening
