Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[mrm2174]

Hi! After reading some stuff here with all the parents ordeal and everything...i convinced my self that maybe this will be a good start for me. Just recently, i noticed erratic changes with my son. a completely different person from the son I'm with for 20yrs. All this are hurting me and i can feel that im somehow affected in a big way already that I cant function properly anymore. I always have headaches maybe bacause i tend to overthink all the stuff thats been happening. I don't know where to point my fingers anymore. I dunno if he is taking drugs or just the depression cause by the recent break up he has. Last night was the scariest part when he came home from his nana's place. He went straight to my room and asking me to tell him honestly if whats really wrong with him? He asked me if I think that he is crazy? as a mother...your own son asking you this? I said no and tried to calm him down by hugging him and all. i started to cry and he cried as well and i just felt the frustration there. He's upset on something that he can't even explain. For the first time, as a mom...i ran out of answer. I just keep telling him how much i love him and we will always be here to support him. I even told him that maybe, we need to talk to someone already that can help us understand if whats going on. But he doesn't want to. I really dunno where to start. Do i start calling proffesionals regarding this or give him a bit more time? As iv'e said..in 20yrs of his life..this is the very first time he acted like this. This is all new to me and im confused myself. Reading all different mental illness online, sympthoms and all..the more i get confused. He still does normal stuff like eating, bathing, cleaning his room and hang out with his friends so i can't completely connect to all the stuff that im reading online. Maybe this way...some of you can give some advices or maybe some of you went through the same thing. Just wanna know and be informed. Thank you for taking time to read this. God bless us all!

[Special_k]

Hi @mrm2174 Welcome to the Forums you have found a safe supportive place. Thankyou for sharing your story, you  are obviously very concerned about your son and love him very much. what am I also picking up from your post Is that his recent behaviour is taking it's toll on your health as well and that is ok; we are all only human but it is important that you also maintain your own health. Do you have any close friends or family you trust to support you? What do you do to take care of yourself? You  mentioned that your son is still doing all the 'normal things' and hanging out with his friends and his nana and those are all positives. Often when a person experiences depression they will withdraw from activities they enjoy and stop taking care of themselves. It is understandable that these changes in your son are very frustrating and you can feel like your treading on eggshells a lot of the time. Sometimes the best thing we can do for a loved one is just let them know that we are there, to sit with them while they are crying (as hard as it is), to sit through the silence and anger and reassure them you are there for them always. Perhaps you could ask your son what he would like to do about the situation? Or what he thinks would help him? As this opens up an opportunity for him to ask for help when he is ready. I am not a carer but I do have a lived experience of depression and anxiety and these are things that have helped me in the past. @Faith-and-Hope, @Skylark you may wish to share your experiences and  help welcome @mrm2174 the forums.

[mrm2174]

Hi Special_k! Thank you so much for your reply. Yeah..I have my sisters around me but at this moment..they haven't had any straight contact with my son yet. I just don't want him to feel that everyone's talking about him or something. My daughter and I already offered him of maybe some help but he's refusing. That's my biggest fear right now. I know that I won't be allowed to drag him to see a doctor coz he's already 20yrs old. Like right now, I panicked when I woke up and found out that he's not in his room. That's his normal by the way..but this time I panicked coz I know that he's not 100% ok. After a million phone calls and text messages from me..he finally texted back and just told me that he'll be home later. Then I worried again! Just wanna know where he is and if he is safe but he's not replying anymore and I think turn his phone off😔. My daughter asked me to give him space for now. That if he said that he'll be home later, for me to just wait. I texted him again saying I'll see him later then, and for him to be safe and I love him so much. I don't know anymore. Do I just wait here and stop worrying? Can't help myself thinking though...😔. Again..thank you for your reply. It's really a good feeling to know that someone out there, whom I don't know can help me this way. Thank you and I really appreciate it.

[Mish]

Hi there - it's beautiful that you care for your son so much and also i am hearing that he senses something is not quite right. There is a website my GP referred me to called mood gym - give that a go. Also, i believe the first point of contact if you believe something to be not quite right, is your GP. They can offer some advice for you, even if you cannot get your son there, you can talk to your GP. Taking time every day for him to do something that he likes; and also getting outdoors, exercising, walking is good. it is positive that he still has insight into his feelings, present state, so don't worry, there is hope. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @mrm2174

I agree with what @Mish has just written for you,  I couldn't have put it better myself.

Do you have a regular family doctor ?  They are the best person to talk to for a few reasons.  They may be able to reassure you that perhaps your son is just finding his way as a young man of 20 years old, and they can make changes in the way they behave, or the choices they are making, that seem new and unexpected.  It is also a time when their self-confidence as a young man is emerging, and they need to detach a bit from the child-parent roles they are in as they grow up.

Your doctor will know if what you tell him about your son fits with the normal patterns you might expect for his age.

The doctor can also suggest other professionals or services you can talk to for support and understanding.

You obviously care deeply about your son, and your family, which is beautiful, but you must also take care of yourself, and find time for some of your own interests.  I have grown kids, and as they move into their adult lives, it is important for you to consider things you haven't been able to do while they were growing up and make room for them in your life now.  Your friendships are also important.  If your son does need some help finding his way, or support for issues he is struggling with, your friends can be there for you, while you are there for him.

I hope this helps.  Take care.

[Appleblossom]

I think that fear of madness is more common than most people think.  For many it passes as adolescent angst. 

I have certainly felt the way your son has, but I did not have the support of my family.  What you have tried to do is show your care.  Part of it is hard, letting our children grow into adults and make decisions.  Reach out and talk about your fears so that you handle yourself as separate from your son.  I too have a young man to care for. We are so interconnected.  Try and get him to talk about his real life issues rather than worry about madness.  Every child and human is unique.

[mrm2174]

Hello everyone! Sorry for taking a bit of a break here! Been busy the whole week taking care of my family and myself that's why. Things with my son is getting better. Just last night he message me asking if he can talk to me😊. Was so happy and at the same time nervous to read that message though. Deep inside I know that I still need to be strong for him and that keeps me going. He just started talking about what had happen to him the last time. He said that he was so scared that day and don't want it to happen to him again. His issue now is feeling alone with all this. He said talking to his ex gf again helped him in a way and YES..I did see that it did helped him a lot! His concern now is his friends that didn't stay there for him😔. My son is really out going and a very active in a way that you will seldom seen him at home coz he's always out with his friends. Now his feeling the changes and him suddenly thinking and realizing that he lost his friends after. As his mom..I did try my best to comfort him. Assure him that we..his family will never ever abandon him in anyway. I also told him to reach out to his friends. Told him that maybe him thinking that his friends changed already is the other way around and his just not aware about it. That maybe he's the one that changes and not his friends. I really don't know if what else to say coz this kind of talking between me and my son are new to me. We talked about lots of stuff and he told me at the end that he felt good after. Maybe unloading some of his feelings and maybe questions in his mind helped him a bit. I really love my son and I'm really proud of him for opening up and its felt really good to somehow get a confirmation that he's not really loosing it! That he's still conscious in everything that has happened to him and I thanks God for that. I'll just continue to support him for now and hopefully soon, he will find his own self again. Thanks again guys for all the advices that you continually giving me. I really do appreciate all of you. God bless us all!

[Skylark]

Hi @ mrm2174 and welcome 🙂

My son is 19 and recently experienced first episode psychosis. It was frightening for everybody but especially him. I and been trying for at least 2 years to get him to talk to somebody but he refused and was quite angry whenever I would suggest it. The day he asked me for a lift to the police station so he could let them know that if anything happened to him it would be us that needed to be investigated was the biggest wake up call I could have gotten. His fear was very real to him. I love this person more than life and after that I could no longer pretend to myself that things would get better on their on own or just with the support that we could provide. There had been other incidences of anger and some where he would throw things and scream at me. Even though your son seems better now, which is wonderful, I would still try and encourage him to get some counseling. It sounds like he was very frightened and didn't understand what was going on with himself at the time. Even if there is no mental illness present, taking care of our mental health is so important. There is so much stigma attached to mental health issues that even going to see a counsellor is avoided by many, rather than being seen as a positive self caring action. Our mental health is fundamental to to our physical health and I feel that the one cannot completely be disconnected from the other. I live in hope that in the future there will be no more stigma. I truly hope that your son stays healthy and well xo

[MissB]

Such a positive post big hugs to you and your son.