Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[arwenreborn]

My husband has been on an anti-dep for 6 months for depression and wants off. Previous to this I suffered from his emotional abuse for years until I reached breaking point and threatened to leave with our 3 little kids. His anger has definitely subsided from the anti-dep but he drinks heavily on it, and still seems to have a split personality. Some days he loves his life, other days he hates his life and will even complain about his days off. When he was about 16/17 he was king hit from behind and fell onto the bitumen giving himself a bad head injury, was in the hospital for a long time and according to his family "Wasn't right" for about a year.

He went to the doctor and got a final repeat of anti-dep to wean himself off. Since then, things have gotten worse. I understand he is in withdrawl but I have no idea how to help...especially with a 6, 4 and 2 year old watching our every move. If not for the emotional abuse previous to this, I would have more compassion but it feels like he's using the withdrawl excuse to use me as an emotional punching bag again. It took me so long to accept the fact he was abusing me, and to strengthen myself to stand up for myself that I don't want to fall into old habits again by taking the easy way and just accepting his ill treatment.

It is exhausting living with someone who seems to be two different people, and who is so miserable and complains most of the time...please can someone give me some advice, is this typical withdrawl? What can I do? 

He tried to explain the other day about his anger and said it's almost like voices in his head telling him to get angry about an issue that is really no big deal. Today he came home in a foul mood, drank 2 strong beers before also drinking a bunch of straight liquor from the bottle and a cup of red wine. His father is a recovered alcoholic but husband is adamant he has no drinking problem. He then proceeded to get angry because the door was stuck and as he walked out he threw my gumboot which had been kicked into the doorway. He won't go for counselling (I went for a couple of sessions at the height of the worst of it) or see a psychiatrist. I am grasping at straws and starting to feel fearful again, the anger seems completely irrational. 

Please, any help or advice would be so great.

[coffeegirl]

@arwenreborn I'm so sorry hear about what you're going through. 

In times like this, all we can control is ourselves and our actions. There was a great Topic Tuesday some time ago about loved ones who won't seek help. I recommend having a read of it. At the very least you will see you're not the only one going through this. You can find it here

It might be worth giving 1800 RESPECT a call to get some advice. You may also find it helpful to call the Carers organisation in your state (just google Carers *insert your state*) and/or ARAFMI (google ARAFMI and your state) . Both organisations are wonderful at providing resources and support. 

I hope you continue to use the Forums - as there's always someone here to listen.

Please take care of yourself. 

[snoopy]

Thankyou so much for sharing your story @arwenreborn. 

I’m Snoopy, a moderator here.  It sounds like you have a lot going on at home. Withdrawal effects of anti-depressants can make us feel physically unwell, and consequently frustrated for feeling that way, but being emotionally abusive is not a recognized side effect.  People choose to be emotionally abusive, and you are better than being a ‘punching bag’ as you described.

Violence and aggression are much more likely to be a result of drug or alcohol use.  It’s unfortunate your husband doesn’t recognize his drinking is a problem, and that he is trying to justify his abuse by blaming external factors.  I was so encouraged to read you went for counselling.  Just because he won’t go doesn’t mean you can’t.  You don’t have to live in a world where you are fearful.

[BeHappy]

Hi @arwenreborn,

How are things? 

You sound like a very caring and patient person, despite what you say about feeling like you're not being as compassionate. 

I'm with @snoopy, being emotional abusive is not a symptom of anything but more a choice. Yes, people can feel unwell, and frustrated, but it is never ok to use this as a justification to treat someone poorly. From what you've written, it seems that your partner is not really aknowleding the impact of his behaviour - he's placing it on the withdrawing. 

It's ok for you to take a stand around how you want to be treated. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their actions. 

[MIFANTCARER]

Good morning, I am hearing you loud and clear, one of the other contributors mentioned abuse is not a side effect from anti dpressant, and they are right, it is a choice.  

I think it is very humane of you to  provide the support to you husband that he feels he needs.

It is very important you remind yourself, you are a worthy human being, whom is worthy of receiving fair and respectful treatment.

It sounds like your husbands rules and values around this beahaviour are very different to yours. This is always going to be something to consider, in all relationships we come from different family/ life cultures, having vast experiences and learning scenario's form birth.

It is also important to address the impact on your children of your husbands behaviour toward you,

Before I implemented some  boundries to our relationship, I had some wise old gal ask me "would you allow your neghbour or your best friend to speak to or treat you the way your husband is treating you?".

One last thing to consider, all that your children see, not necessarily hear, will have a bearing on their relationships with others. How much are you willing to let them think is ok?

Small decisions can make big changes, stand tall, your children are not always going to be small, they too will grow and share in the community what they are exposed to.

Stay in touch

[Janna]

I have been separated from my husband for 12 months. I believe that he suffers from an undiagnosed mental health issue which frequently translated into severe emotional/psychological/verbal abuse. Living with him was a nightmare. I tolerated alot and attempted to get him to see the error of his ways with a hope that this would act as a catalyst for him to seek treatment, but I was wrong. It wasn't until some very clear paranoid and persecutionary delusional elements began entering into the equation that I realised that his abuse was being generated from his psychosis, however, this did not make it more acceptable or tolerable. At one stage he believed that he was at the epicentre of a conspiracy to destroy him and that I was the orchestrator of this who was determined to destroy him and potentially murder him. Regardless of his mental health condition (which he vehemently denied, and still does) I realised that his behaviour towards me and our children was abusive, disrespectful and completely unacceptable. Once I came to accept that he was not going to take responsibility for his abuse or mental health I decided that the safest and best option for me and my children was to leave.

When you are in an abusive relationship, regardless of its origins, everyday life becomes a nightmare. The effects of long-term exposure to such abuse for all concerned are enormous.  I would highly recommend speaking with a counsellor at 1800Respect (1800 737 732), the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service.  They helped me tremendously in the years leading up to my decision to separate.  

I lived with abuse (DV) for years and myself and chldren have been profoundly affected by it.  I cannot emphasise strongly enough that removing yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.  This is not about him, his depression, his drinking, his meds or anything ... this is about you and your children.   Abuse is unacceptable no matter what the cause.

Please take care

Janna ❤️

[Former-Member]

Hi @arwereborn,
Welcome to the forums. I think there is a question in your choice of display name which is interesting. Rebirth implies a fresh start which sounds appealing however the practical side of me suggested that we live and learn and relearn.

You have been given some good supporting words already. I just have a couple of questions to add. Firstly has your partner been investigated for brain damage as a result of the accident? If not it might useful to discuss this with his doctor. Also have you made any attempts to show your partner how he behaves? He really may not understand. My partner gave me terrible, don't bother me looks which I challenge in a joking way. A photograph helps or maybe a video. The thing is to bring it out in the open in a loving and non-confrontational way.

cheers

[Shaz51]

Hello @arwenreborn,

how are you today ?? have been thinking of you today xx

@arwenreborn, how is he when he is on the anti depressants ?

as my hubby was put on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds after being in hospital , six months later the doctors said to start going off them

well, it started getting worse again day by day and I said you will have to go back to the doctor or go  back on the meds -- my hubby said, oh can you see the difference -- YES and I don`t want to go through that again

so he went back on the meds again, he still has ups and down days, bad and ok days

Hello @Former-Member, @Janna, @MIFANTCARER, @BeHappy

[MIFANTCARER]

Good morning, I hope life is looking better for you this week.

There is a terrific course called Well Ways. We are running ours March 2018. It's is on education of Mental Illnesses and coping strategies for support persons. I found the tools were really helpful and still come into play when my husband experiences a fall back with his health, has had a larger than ususal life event or just gone away fishing without his meds.

The other tool available in the community is an online clinic. It's the Mind Spot Clinic, a few of our registered caers have been through their program with great reports on their own life improvments.

I hope you see the good in you today.

[Former-Member]

I've lived through domestic violence twice, my older son was affected by verbal abuse from his father, after going down the path of marijuana he has now been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and is in total denial. I have major depression and anxiety and am trying to help him despite being told by other family members that i have to look after myself. keep yourself and above all your children safe - speak to the above organisations - even if only temporary no one should live with domestic violence - it can end so tragically . take care