Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jane9]

I have worked so hard on setting boundaries and creating better social supports but resentment continues despite improvements in our relationship and having a partner who is mostly kind, generous, considerate and loving now I've put my foot down. I thought it would be enough to reduce the terrible moodiness that darkened the house and to stop the meanness and jealousy that she felt about my little dog and decrease the angry recriminations when I made changes to the house like bringing in a new stool or buying a mattress to replace a futon for the spare bed that I often end up on with stress fuelled insomnia. I thought that now I've finally recognised and named the emotional abusiveness of some of this behaviour (thank you to my psychiatrist/analyst and domestic violence line) and given enough time for her changes to be more than a honeymoon period that I might feel happy again in my life like I used to, but I don't.

I love her company. She is intelligent,interesting, engaged in the world and career savvy but when I try to disclose a few of my own small childhood issues and talk about my own family members with mental illness she gets overwhelmed and shuts down. It seems like she can't bear to consider that others also might have childhood trauma like her and struggle with mental illnesses. She has some compassion which she says comes from her lived experience of meeting people in the psych ward but ultimately she can't take it on and I suppose why should she. I can see that it's hard to think about other peoples issues when you're trying to hold yourself together but it's not altogether satisfying for me when I want to share myself and tell the family secrets to deepen our relationship, trust and intimacy. It goes the opposite way as she gets overwhelmed with information and trumps my minor childhood issues with detailed reminders of what happened to her . It becomes about her again and I wish I had never shared anything and I become angry and resentful and shut down.

I've finally after 3 years together figured out that her bi polar diagnosis (where she is well medicated and largely not symptomatic) is not the end of it. I hadn't bargained on what seems like borderline traits as a result of her significant childhood abuse. She now tells me that her psychiatrist prefers to name it a mood disorder instead of bi polar although her meds are for bipolar. I feel trapped in a guilded cage. Our life is pretty good and we share values and interests but if I can't freely share myself without worrying about overloading her and if we can't have sex because it retriggers her childhood trauma if I initiate anything then it starts to feel like it's not really an equal relationship. It's not enough just to not be angry and moody and blaming.

I want to feel that I'm equally heard and understood. Is that too much to ask? It's probably unrealistic in this relationship so then I get stuck with having to decide what to do. Leave and lose out on all the great stuff (she opens my mind up to creativity as she's a poet, she teaches me about business as she's corporate, she takes us to her beach house for relaxation, she looks after me when I'm physically ill, empathises about my childlessness, encourages my career and creativity and is reliable, ethical and honest ) or stay and put up with feeling like a chunk of myself is missing (as she can't listen to my needs very well as I express them or anything too "deep")

[Attahua]

Wow , first can I say that you write with such eloquence!!!!! I understand how it feels when partner's needs seem to always come first and it feels like there is just no room for our own! I know how it feels to be torn inside and questioning , considering other options. It's just not a nice space to be in!!! I know this is probably going to sound cliched but have you considered couples counselling? Would your partner be open to that?? I know in my situation, especially now when my partner is currently in a pysch ward, it does make you think and stress a lot.....I myself have gone over and over in my head lately the what ifs!!??? What if I just finish this six year relationship now as realistically I know this is not his last admission.....this is our future.....I love him but I ask myself is this what I want for the rest of my life.....and if I am honest with myself I know I won't leave, I know when it all settles and he is home again we will carry on as normal.......but for me that too is the hard part as I am forever questioning his actions etc wondering whether it's just him being him or is he unravelling again!!!!!Exhausting!!!!!! I know though that when my partner is home some things will have to change as he can be quite controlling.....but then loving and caring as well.......I am adamant that my needs , and those of my teen daughter will be listened to and acknowledged. We too may need couples counselling as at least if our relationship doesn't survive I will know that I have done all I can , exhausted all my options so to speak. What is a relationship if we can't share our most deepest thoughts and fears and be really listened too not just heard. Our past experiences may not be as traumatic as our partner's but it's not a spitting contest....our experiences no matter how big or small are huge to us and we deserve to have them acknowledged and feel supported!!!!!!!! Take care!!!!!!! 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Jane9

I can relate so well to the way you are feeling, even though our circumstances are vastly different. You are grieving, and you are not alone. Many of us have encountered a similar state, or current outcome. I say current, because the situation won't remain static. It will move and change, perhaps two steps forward, and one step back, but your movement is forward overall by the sounds of it.

Others who are experiencing your type of issue may speak up here with their own experiences in a way I can't, but it sounds to me that you are going to have to find a counsellor, or other close friends, to support yourself while your relationship with your girlfriend is not able to meet all the needs that would make it seem complete. It is important to take those steps to support yourself, and invest in the self-care that she is unable to provide for you in return at this time.

Like me, you can consider it temporary in one of two ways -

1.  It will tide you over until she, and your relationship, heals enough to resume the status and care you are craving.

2.  It will tide you over until you can determine whether the relationship will ever come back to what you need it to be, until you have gained strength and perspective and accepted a choice to move on, charting out a new course in the meantime and parting ways with a sense of balance and closure that you don't have right now.

There is a fabulous team on this forum with advice about support services and numbers to call. Please accept their advice.  They are great.

Do something special for yourself everyday that brings you joy, no matter how small, and take care.

[Jane9]

Thanks Attahua, your post was really helpful thank you. My first reply (by email ) never made it to the site so I'm writing again a bit later. I love your line about the spitting contest! Couple counselling is a great idea and we are trying to organise it. It's good to hear you say that you also are setting boundaries about controlling behaviour with your husband for the sake of you and your daughter. When I do that, my relationship sort of comes into alignment (it's a really good patch this week and I feel very supported around being sick) but its tiring keeping it up in fear that if I don't, things might slip back. I really hear what you say about assessing your options after 6 years. We just celebrated 3 years yesterday and I want to look forward not backwards. It's too painful to think about what I've put up with and I want to focus on making things better in the future. Yes we flirt with the idea of leaving (I suppose it gives a sense of control) when we do love our partners and want it to work. I hope it works out for you all. Take care Jane

[Jane9]

Thanks faith-and-hope, I am going to take up your idea of taking temporary action to 'tide me over'! A great thought . I'm working hard now on resestablishing family and friend relationships just to get out of the stressful couple bubble so that I can have space to think about what I want now and for the future.. Jane

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Jane9

That sounds like some positive moves.  

Take courage.  Take care 🌺