Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ruth]

Thank you Appleblossom for sharing something of your story and experience ... I appreciate this. 

Your advice is good and sound. Believe me, I have tried different ways of talking to Kate; from different angles etc.

In my own mind, I am questioning whether she is really (I mean "really") trying to help herself. She has an answer and an excuse for every perceived failure (ie it's the fault of her mental illness). 

I don't see a young woman who is making a concerted effort to conquer her issues.

Contrawise, I understand that when you're depressed and when your brain is going a million miles an hour (and not helped by using cannabis as an emotional-pain relief). It's like her substance use and mental issues have become her way of life. Full stop. 

Meanwhile, I am affected by this. Her 'way of life', emotions, drug use, etc., is controlling me and how I feel each day.  Outwardly I maintain a happy disposition, supportive, loving, (enabling, rescuing!), but inside I'm so churned up with worry. 

Unfortunately I don't have someone with whom I can talk really openly and honestly about this. I've tried the 'professionals' but what a waste of time that was.  My experience was the same as Kate's.  She has drawn the conclusion that it's just a job for them ("your hour's up. See you in a month. Pay as you leave").  I have looked for peers with whom I can have a coffee, knowing that both parties can share, without feeling that either is burdening the other. In all my searching, I'm surprised that some organisation doesn't have something for parents. 

As I said in an earlier post, it's insufficient to comment on isolated aspects of living with someone with a mental illness and substance abuse issues. The picture is broader and there are other contributing factors and experiences that have occurred along the way. For example, Kate's issues (self harm, etc) started when her father suddenly walked out on our family for another woman 4 years ago. I suffered the most severe trauma, as there was no warning about this, and I loved him. He abandoned Kate too, and his behaviours were unbelievably abominable.   Kate says she was not affected by his abandonment, but I find this hard to comprehend. Anyway, enough of that. 

Another morning. Another day to worry. 

I have many blessings to count in regard to other things though.  I'm going to start counting NOW 🙂

[Ruth]

Dear JustAnother47yr

Thanks for your reply ... so lovely of you. Thank you. I have just posted a reply to a post from Appleblossom, and I hope I don't come across as rude, but my response to her matches the reply I would have given you 🙂 ... To save me typing again, would you please read that post?

A short answer to your question, though:  No.

Have a good day and thank you again for caring.

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Ruth

Yes we do need to count our blessings and focus on the positives in our lives.  One day our children might be able to do that, but it is usually an outlook that comes with maturity.

I figured you would have been flexible and trying different things.  I am just throwing ideas about ... to be used or discarded ... but I hope in the sharing there is benefit. I too tried the "reciprocal share over coffee" and "professionals" but did not get what I needed.

You are probably right about Kate's abandonment feeling re her father ... but as with my son explaining triggering events doesnt actaully heal the wound. It can be interpreted as blame. Its just something to bear in mind when dealing with challenging behaviour.

I felt that Kate was blocking and not really trying either.  I have dealt with long term cannabis users (brother and ex-husband) and used for 3 years myself but stopped when young. I did foolish things like try to function while coming down from acid and go to school or go to work and keep trying to function mentally while "stoned".  There are many reasons why people use ... and different life pathways.

I also often fall into a rescuer mode but became fairly clear about not enabling drug use ... not that I was prohibitionist.  It is tricky to walk the line between love and care and enabling.  In my family history there are scary stories that influenced my children against drug use ... so that was "good" in a way ... I took my son out with me a few times to charity work ... soup vans and christmas hamper runs ... it gave him a broader outlook about the range of families and life outcomes that people had.  Eg he met a few schizophrenics in their homes and gave them food vouchers and I did not need to reflect that his father was doing pretty well in comparison ... but that he did not want to go down that path... it helped my son develop more compassion but also a desire not to go that way.  I am not sure what would work with you but am just sharing what I did in our circumstances ... through dealing with my husband I know that reality checking is important and that it is also necessary to limit support to enable negative behaviours even as we feel heart wrenching concern. 

I am not an advocate of extreme tough love ... but I occasionally frame things from tough scenarios in order to get a message through and encourage more adaptive behaviour that is likely to produce better outcomes long term.

My heart is broken about my daughter ... who is doing well in all the superficial markers ... study, career and house buying ... but dogmatic, judgemental and rigid in a few key family areas that are quite destructive for myself and my son ... her brother ... she is losing out too but I cannot control her or him ... just guide a little ... and hope a lot.

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @Ruth
Great post from @Appleblossom
Personally I'm not an advocate for tough love either. It doesn't work

I've been watching a wonderful ted talk by Gabor Mate called addictions and power spoken on 2014 but I'm on my iPad and can't post it.
I urge you to look at it
@Maritza has the ted talk posted on the dialogue with Sane forum Forumites thread.
So ...... This how I would be speaking

Kate : I'm scared I'm scared o don't know what to do but I can't get out of bed

Ruth: ( how do I feel right now. Am I going to get a headache if I see her ?can I speak for 5 minutes or 10 mins?

[Madat]

Dear Ruth,

I can so share your heartbreak with your daughter as I have a teenage one too recovering I hope from drug induced psychosis. I dont have much knowledge or experience but we were saved by the Mental Health Dept in our public hospital. Meds which worked well which she is still having, a stay in the sub acute ward and outpatient help when she was discharged.

We are now dealing with residual anxiety and some  depression, and side effects of the meds.  I know your daughter is not keen to see professionals but perhaps a small time in the hospital with good meds might start recovery?

You may have tried this and I will apologise if I am suggesting the wrong thing but it worked for us. I wish things improve for you, you sound like a wonderful mother, your daughter is so lucky in that. 

Regards.

[Ruth]

Appleblossom ... thank you for sharing your story. I've read it three times. You are a strong woman. Thank you.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you. I dont know what else to do. I am struck by how much unecessary suffering keeps occurring.  Good Luck Ruth.

[Ruth]

Thank you Madat. My heart goes out to you as you care for your daughter. I appreciate your recommendation about the Mental Heath Unit at the hospital.

I hope Appleblossom et al are reading this too .. because I have a positive update about my Kate. Her anxiety 'episodes' have been daily, and she has agreed to look at residential care. She has an assessment for a youth rehab later this week. This is a huge move. 

Watch this space 🙂

Sorry I can't write much. I'm tired. 

My love to all of you who are so encouraging and supportive!

[Ruth]

"how much unnecessary suffering" ... so true! 

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @Ruth

I am so hurt for you.....oh boy could I yell and the memories.........grrrrr

Okay, lets move on and start working out how you can get good support......

Im a great believer in Psychoanalysis so there you go....

It took me many many years to find support from the weirdest places but this is maybe.......a kick start for you?

If you look on a site called "Ask Anything 

Monday, a lady is asking about first symptoms of Psychosis and a few of us, mainly thinking about @Kenny66 and myself both agree with having a good support system behind you, the sufferer and I think that us as mothers need them too.

1. Drug and alcohol places in Western Australia; we are about 20 000 years behind the rest of the world (I think) and thank goodness that my oldest son lives in the East of Australia. but hopefully they focus on mental illness being a kick start (self medication) to illegal substance use and I found the BEST councellor in one here. 

When I married my husband ....My son was being diagnosed and my husband and I have lived experience. I've got 'friends,' but the usual saying about me is that I'm very strange....It made me feel angry. 

So I went to a 'mental health advocacy group in Western Australia, I was mingling with people who were parents of children suffering times of mental ill health and people with lived experience as well (like me) It was wonderful. I could fall apart and do anything, I went to courses with workers from all around the world. It was great. 

The good thing about the group was that the leaders were very very good facillitators. Ive seen other people from places like ARAFMI etc, people who would go to their group meetings ..if they asked, they could go to these courses as well. 

Could you look around for this in your state??

I'm a big person for self care. Big person, its taken me years and years and years to learn this lesson. 

I'm so grateful that I'm not bitter or focus on the past too much ( well...lol) My husband is always on my back. 

So, these strange places, there are these awesome councellors but its a little like.....try and try and try. I did see a councellor there who was...silly before I met this councellor who I resonated with.

Drop in centres. Strange I know but......so what ?? Are you interested in  volunteer work? This is a new life for you and I would never ever thinnk that I would be associating but it helps me so much..... Would you be able to?