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Former-Member
Not applicable

Shutting everyone out including myself

In the last two months I've been diagnosed with Bipolar and have started seeing a psychiatrist weekly. I'm yet to start up on medication.

I've always tended to be the type of person when things get hard I shut down a bit and turn into a hermit. But lately it's gone to a whole new level. I haven't spoken more then a few words/grunts to my husband the last week and other close family members. I just look at them and feel angry or tiered with no energy and sometimes I just think they are better off with out talking to me because I'm rubbish and don't want them to love me anymore because I'm not worthy of love.

I've also been locking my self in my bedroom in blackness for days at a time because I don't feel safe outside my room and don't sleep and turn to self harming, But then the next day I've been getting fully out of my comfort zone and making new friends and trying out new things that are fully not me because I hate me and I want to be fun and amazing and the person everyone wants to be. But I make sure I hard core self medicate for that incase it turns bad I'm already in a calm state and hopefully won't crash to hard. But I also have items on me to self harm incase I get to excited and need to bring my emotions back to normal.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this at all normal with the fact I'm delving into some hard issues with my psychiatrist that are making me feel less human and screwed up. Or am I just a heartless selfish person?

19 REPLIES 19

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

It can be hard dealing with a new diagnosis. I would take it easy for a while, it is likely to be up and down for a bit while the meds/life/friends all adjust to each other.

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

Hi @Former-Member,

Glad to see you back on the forum. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2008. I too am the kind of person who shuts down under stress and had a long period of withdrawal into my flat without even going out to check the mail. Wouldn't get dressed half the time and just sat in the loungeroom with the blinds shut. That other side that goes out and puts on the fun and amazing face - I have one of them too. I've never been a regular self-harmer and I hope you can get that under control. It's awful for you that you feel you have to do that to bring emotions back down.

I've been taking medications for a long time and am grateful for the relief they have given to the extremity of my symptoms. One thing that has definitely improved for me with medication is my now 12 year relationship. Before I received the proper meds, I was angry and would sometimes abuse my partner verbally in fits of frenzy that I often didn't remember after it was all over. Medication doesn't fix everything and it comes with side effects but meds have levelled out the playing field for me (and my very patient partner) a lot. Is your psychiatrist planning on any meds for you? How do you feel about the possibility of that?

Having a diagnosis of bipolar is not the be all and end all. It's a just a way that a particular kind of doctor works out how to help if they can with problems we are having. Take it for what it's worth and don't let it grind you into the ground. There's not really that much difference between having a regular illness and a mental illness. It happens to the best of us. Not saying we are the best, just that it can happen to anyone and the best way through it is with some self love if you can find it in your heart somewhere.

You are worthy of love and those around you are worthy of your love too, and want it and probably need it. I hope I'm not overstepping the mark with anything I've said here. I really wish you well. 

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

Hi @Former-Member

Just the way you posted shows you are worthy.  If you dont feel cheery, upbeat and companionable all the time ... you are like most of the human race ... find ways to be more forgiving of your different aspects ...

I self-harmed for a while with a lot of intense issues ... but have been able to change that behaviour and deal with intensity more creatively these days ... though just last week ... I needed to crash and spend a few days in bed .... it is better if you can not lock yourself away and hurt yourself though ...

Glad you are posting again.

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

Hi @BamBam thankyou for the encouraging words.

@mazartia I fully can relate to you. I can't even check the mail box. It's to stressful to get out of bed and I just can't deal with it nor have the energy. I did though go out one day this week for 30 minuets and got told I look thin (+) and numerous people said I looked tiered and my eyes are black (-) I some how cooked dinner then spent the next 15 hours straight in bed. Knew I shouldn't push my self. I know got to work the next few days which I'm mortified of but I'm getting through it saying save this money and become inderpented and the strong person you want to be. I'm also on a lot of painkillers and rexlaents.

I found it interesting how you said you would get angry. I find my self screaming at my partner and when he catches me in the act of self harming I start screaming kicking and punching him if he tries and stops me and he has to hold me down for an hour till I calm down then I feel so shocked and guilty by it I cry and vomit for hours. Something I'm working through with my doctor.

@Appleblossom I'm trying to find different out lets for self harming. Sometimes I find drawing can help or Facebook stalking people.

My doctor has prescribed me two types of medication but I know it sounds crazy and stupid but I believe if I take it I've lost. I come from a family of to be brutally honest Losers. I've my whole life have tried to opposite to them but every aspect in my life is crumbling and failing badly and if I take my medication it just to me is a massive statement I've lost and I can't lose because once I lose I 100% give up. Probably won't make much sense to anyone.

I just feel every time I take 1 step forawd a bomb hits.

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

I have often taken less medication than the doctor ordered ... as I felt I let myself down if I succumbed ... I have also self-medicated a long time ago (30 yrs) ... so I am saying I have had similar thoughts ...

There are a few conversations on the forum about stopping self harming ... it is a majoy issue for a lot of people ... I dont know the answers .. but hope that by sharing ...more answers are found ... what will help is probably different for different people.

Its sad that you got unthoughtful comments when you went out ... did they realise what an effort it was for you ... I havent found people are always decent ... everyone is struggling to get themselves ahead ... there is a lot of colateral damage... but sometimes ... there is goodwill out there.

Its great you can tough it out and get to work ... sometimes that is all we do ... but keep at it ... sometimes we think in black and white terms ...100% success oir failure etc .... but more often life's 3 steps forward and 2 steps back ... kinda thing.

cheers Apple

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

@Former-Member,

Your situation sounds very intense. When you say you are on painkillers and relaxants, is that self-medication or prescribed for you? I know with some of the standard benzo type relaxants, they can make me more depressed and irritable than usual. My take on the situation is that the two medications your doctor has prescribed are no different really to what you are already taking, except they may be more effective at helping you.

But I understand that it's a lot you're having to take in all at once, only recently receiving the diagnosis and now having to come to terms with it in your own head. I did take quite a while too before I first started on medications and at that time I probably had some similar feelings to you. I do feel differently now that I don't experience the intensity of mental and emotional pain I was once living with. But you will know if and when you are ready (or not) to take the meds.

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself


Re: Shutting everyone out including myself
@Appleblossom yer it's a bit annoying when you get critical remarks on a bad day. But I just try and think they got no clue what's happening behind my smile and I've also scored my self free delivery! Yer I don't really understand self harm except it's helps me breath and from going further. I know it's not a healthy action and very serious but that's all I got at the moment. Today I think I took 15 steps back! Not a fun one at all. Work seems to be the only good place for me because it's a place I win at. I'm good at my job. I do have very low days there but when I beat my sales I feel I've achieve something and it's a nice feeling. But I've had to limit my hours because it tiers me out and drains me a lot.

;@mazarita Na my meds are not prescribed for this reason. They are prescribed for sleeping issues and anxiety but I've collected them over the years because these particular meds are hard to get scripts for. I also take a lot of over the counter medication pain killers daily as it calms me and easy to get my hands on. I know what you mean about them not being really different from what the doctor prescribed me but in a way they are in my head. <br><br>It's nice to know I'm not the only one that has taken time to take it. Everyone is yelling at me to take the meds but I know they can help majorly but I want a better solution then that. I just want gone of this illnesses. Except the highs I love my highs. They are addictive.




Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

Well today I've shut out about 10 people in my life. I'm over my husbands family. They drive me insane. I don't hear from them for months and now they are all like we love you move move back home close to us, we are praying for you.

It's like um no you don't. You never wanted me in the family don't dare lie to me and you only want us to move back so you can have your brother and son back.

I just don't want fake love at this time of my life and people telling me what I must do and feel. I just don't want a single friend or nothing. I just want to be on my own. I'm not fun to be around and I'm a drag and also people use up to much energy.

Oh well I think I've created world war 3 but if the apparently love me they can respect my wishes and stay away from me

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

I haven't had contact with most of my extended family for a very long time and don't have much contact with partner's family either, though I am on friendly enough terms with them.  Basically we all just live our separate adult lives. I suppose there are some angry undercurrents happening between some of us but they don't really flare up these days. We all live far apart too so it seems natural that we don't have that much contact. With your partner's family, they probably do want him back nearby. That's understandable I think. But it sounds like there may have been other issues with them for you. Sorry there's been bad feelings there. I don't really have any advice on where you're at just now but am hearing what you're saying.

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