Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

Good evening gentle folk, I wanted to put a shout out for help to understand why my girlfriend self harms.

This evening she did it right in front of me and well, I was kinda shocked. I mean I know she does it but she's never done it in front of me before. I just don't understand it, why does she do it? We both live with mental health conditions (I with sz and depression, and her with bpd). 

I also thought self harm was a private thing, perhaps I was wrong? 

I'm kinda upset by the whole thing. 

[Kurra]

It seems rather unusual to SH in front of you @Queenie

A lot of questions come to mind and you've probably thought of them anyway. It's really important for you to understand that you are not responsible for her actions in any way.

If I had a friend who did that in front of me I would certainly be letting them know that such actions are not acceptable in my home and would they like me to take them to the hospital.

This is not something that you can necessarily prevent but nor is it something you should be made to witness. Understandably you are upset but try to remind yourself that this was her choice and in no way does it reflect on you as a friend or as a person.

If you need to just keep on talking until you feel more comfortable about what has happened. 💕

[Appleblossom]

I have witnessed my brother in the past and recently my son's girfriend SH in front of me.

Its hugely distressing .. but dont write it off as mere attention seeking .. it all depends on the individual and also where the person is at any time.

my brother was mostly too far gone .. even when it started.

This young lass 27 ... has a lot better chance than he .. and I am trying and so is she ...

I also SHd .. can you believe it .. in front of my children ...

cos there was no where to hide my anguish agony pain ... too many suicides .. and i tried a score of other ways and often I forgot they (my kids) were there ... I was just too far gone in my grief ... 24/7 16 years and bloodshed bloodshed ... oh ... but I foget this is the lucky country .. but not for us.

I thought i was CONTAINING my pain .. I didnt even realise I was self harming til about 5 years after my divorce ... this is huge ... I was so busy trying to stop SH in brother and my SH behaviour was very different.

and saw a description of my behaviour on the net .. oh ...light bulb moment ...  thats what it would have looked like from the outside ... and then I had a name for it which helped.

No MH profeshhhh ... helped except my physiotherapist and then later an osteopath.... So much for conventional medicine.

 .. I wasnt attention seeking ... sometimes the pain is too great to contain ... the world is not a level playing field.

So sometimes the boundaries between private and public are blurred.  it could also be a real gesture of trust in you.

I did not know what to do with the young girl ... I just spooned up behind her and held her for half an hour and then we continued.  My son was there too. But last weekend I made sure it was out in the open with her dad. She had told me 2 years ago that she did it ... and I also fessed up to her .. then another 12 months before it actually occurred in front of me ...

@QueenieYou shouldnt have to manage it alone ... but maybe try and pick your management of it.

Try and raise it with her ... nothing deep probing ... just verbal acknowledgment that it happened, it distressed you and you care ... let it go ... check she has another professional person with which to work through it.

Nobody ever managed me properly ... the last time was the worst before my divorce ... and my biological daughter was crying ... and the police came and I went to the psych ward and they bloody sent me home. Cos I am too sane??

I managed to stop the behaviour on my own after separation ... because I had control of my environment ... and only one child to care for ... gradually the urge receded ... over about 7 years ...

the consequences ... are visible in xrays .. hence my DSP.

I give myself liberal permission to use the word bloody cos I have seen too much.

[Queenie]

I still don't know what to think of it to be honest. I don't think I'll be giving her ultimatims about it, but I try and find out why she was distressed to the point of self harm. She has been under a fair bit of stress of late, just recovering from a hysterectomy so no doubt that would've played a part. I'm still learning how to be the best partner I can to her and she sees a therapist regularly thank goodness.

I've just bought a book about Borderine Personality Disorder and it covers a chapter on self harm in that, so hopefully I can understand it more. 

[Appleblossom]

Sounds like you are a good friend @Queenie

Ultimatums are a bad idea ... I remember once expressing my frustration to my sis about dealing with her SH ... in about 1984 ... there was less lit or understanding about it then ...her suicide wasnt a direct reaction to that moment ...and about the only one where I expressed exhaustion frustration overwhem etc

so I have been concerned about nice therapists suggesting ultimatums ... if they are inadequately empathic ... any ultimatums will do more harm than good ... hence not impressed with "handing over tools" ultimatum that I read about ... that tells me about the person supposedly caring .. being a tad impatient.  Our @@Former-Member is having a tough time .... sorry for all the wanna be nice middle class managers ... ultimatums do not recognise the SYNTONIC aspects of a person's behaviour.

When parents or life partners or lovers or sibs ... dont bother to do at least a bit of research and extend their understanding of their loved one with MI... they lose kudos with me ... not that I matter .. but they are my personal standards.

You can ALWAYS make an "I" statement to her ... with respect.

You can make a plea ... on her behalf or your behalf ... or remove yourself ... or make a call to make her safer

tell us if the book helps

Apple