Lived Experience Forum

[flange]

This is my first time here and I'm not really sure what it is I need.  My GP diagnosed me with depression about 13 years ago and put me on medication.  I have been to pyschologists on and off over the years but have not found one that I have any kind of trust with.  My physio in the pain clinic I attend has actually helped me more. 

The reason I have decided to join here though is lately I have been feeling empathy for those who chose to end their own lives. By empathy I mean, I feel so angry and disappointed with myself that I don't have the strength to follow through for myself.  There are certain situations in my life where I feel this would be the best and only solution but I don't have the strength to do it.  I'm not brave enough and I find I'm hating myself for this.  I have opened up to my husband about this and he thinks I need to see someone but I feel like I have gone on for 13 years without really being properly diagnosed with depression, so maybe I can just deal myself, I just need to know what I'm dealing with.

So can anyone help with that please??  

I know I'm being naive and I need to see someone, don't I????  

[NikNik]

Hi @flange

Welcome to the Forums 🙂 I'm glad you found us!

Thank you for being so open in raising this topic - it's something that often is brushed under the rug.

While you may see yourself as weak, others, such as myself, see your experience as one with strength and perseverance. With perseverance comes exhaustion - and I can understand why that could lead to suicidal thoughts.

It's so important to find the right person and type of treatment. Finding someone to trust and you can click with is the most important. I really hope you continue to persevere finding the right fit for you. 

I'd be interested to hear what you're looking for in a psychologist . If you could describe the perfect psychologist, what would the experience be like and/or what characteristic would they have?

(I just realised how much that sounded like a terrible dating show question!)

Perhaps other forum members could share what qualities they have found in their own psychologists or members of their treating team?

By the way - if your physio from pain clinic is helping - that's great! Keep doing the stuff that helps - regardless of how big or small.

[Kurra]

A very interesting question @NikNik and on I'd need to think about. Give me time to gather my thoughts.

I have been blessed with an exceptional psychologist, psychiatrist and GP. More's to the point they work as a close knit team and remain in frequent contact with one another. I recognise that this arrangement is less common than it should be but finding the right fit with each health professional has certainly been a major factor in attaining my current stability and joy of life.

In a psychologist and for that matter psychiatrist and GP I looked for people with whom I felt comfortable and had some rapport.

People who would listen to me and would dare to challenge what appeared to be erroneous thought patterns.

People who wouldn't allow me to pull the wool over their eyes.

Who wouldn't provide me with the answers I wanted to hear but left me with enougg open ended ideas to chew over between appointments.

Above all practitioners who were not afraid to take whatever action was deemed necessary to keep me safe even if it made me angry.

Someone that I can argue with if that is warranted but most importantly people who treated me as a person first and my specific diagnosis second.

I think that might be my ideal in a health professional suitable for Kurra.

[utopia]

Hi @flang. I will be honest with you. You have been coping in the past. Bit now you're not. Now your mind is focusing on suicide. This is a warning sign. A sign that your brain is tired from being so strong for so long.
It needs a rest. You need a rest. I think hospital could be the best place.
I was diagnosed with depression 11 years ago and put on anti depressants. Coping & surviving. Then crisis hit 2 years ago and I ended up on Workcover. I kept plodding along. Depression getting worse. Then out of the blue I started seeing different scenes of my suicide. Scared the shit out of me. I never thought of suicide. But my brain just picked up thesd images. I told my counselor. I got a referral to the hospital. I managed to keep myself safe until I got there. I knew I was safe when I walked in the door. I slept for 2 days. Got allocated a psychiatrist and my journey towards healing began. I didn't want to die. But I couldn't keep living how I was. That was no life.
I imagine you are scared. Be honest. You are scared of dying. You are scared you can't live life like this. You are scared it will always be like this. But it won't always feel like this. You can and will get better.
During a hospital stay they can review your medication - dosage might be wrong or you may need a change of meds. You can sleep and get your strength back. Then after a few days - you can join in on the therapy groups. I learnt same easy and some not so easy new techniques in hospital to help me change the pattern of thinking my brain had got used to. I learnt techniques to relax me, to help motivate me and steps tp prevent relapse.
I still have down days - but that dark vortex doesn't suck me down as far - so I don't stay down for long. I have more good days. And I am having and recognising happiness. Today I even remembered something that I used to enjoy doing - pre getting sick.
Depression does not have to be your life. And it certainly doesn't have to end it.
Please make an appointment with your gp for tomorrow. Take your husband in with you. Let him support you. He loves you and wants to help. Be honest with th gp about your suicidal thoughts. Ask for a referral. Your gp will help. Your husband will help.
And we are here for you to. All of us from this site.
But please let us know what happens tomorrow.
I wish you all the best in your Recovery.

[flange]

Hi @utopia. I had a quick appointment with my GP today and she has told me that I am to have a weekend off. To spend it with my dogs and family, only watch comedies, go watch my son's band play, do things that make me happy. Then on Tuesday we are meeting again to do a Mental Health Plan to see a new counsellor and then go from there.
I completely agree with you though, I do feel I am at breaking point. Every little thing that happens I feel I am going to break. My doctor said I am brave as I haven't followed through with suicide as I realise what I have. Which I do know what I have, but doesn't stop the thoughts. Thank you for your post, I really appreciate it.

[utopia]

@flange. That is brilliant news. So glad you saw your gp. She sounds very supportive. Will be good to get your mental health plan done.
What sort of music does your son play with his band? I like the sound of only watching comedies. I'm a fan of the British Comedies. I love Ab Fab, Mrs Browns Boys, Vicar of Dibley.

[Appleblossom]

It is actually BRAVE not to follow through ... it took me a while to realise that as I also wanted to go there with them (brother sister and 2 uncles) ... but had to separate out my grief issues.

You sound like you have a decent therapist.

Good Luck Apple

[Allinthehead]

Hi

I thought I would add a perspective from how I have lived with what you are going through. A little about me, major trust issues chronic social anxiety and lacking confidence within myself. I found letting go of these negative thoughts that have only been seconded up from my mind that I was able to trust my now inner circle. I think by you acknowledging you have this illness and yes it an illness you have already started to trust in a minute way.

I see you as a brave confident person who is misguided in life due to negativity that has filled your bucket. You need to find someone to hand some of the weight back so it's not so heavy. I have a good doctor now and im learning that may someone can really gets outcomes in due course that is.

I hope you continue your journey of getting better and finding inner happiness.

Take care and thanks for listing.

[utopia]

@flange. How are you coping today. Are you able to keep yourself safe til your Tuesday appointment?
Please keep in touch.