Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Lckj]

Hi everyone,

I new to this forum. My fiancée and I are struggling at the moment. We've been together for a long time now and we have had many ups and downs but mostly downs lately. She has recently been diagnosed with adhd, depression, and possibly borderline personality disorder. I'm a doctor myself and I don't think I even fully understand the diagnoses and how they interact. I have read things online, in my textbooks etc... To try to understand but I am at a loss as to what to do. I'm a surgical trainee and my hours are extremely long. My fiancée J often asks me to take days off and I have done so willingly. As much as I love her and want to care for her... I still need to go to work. My bosses have noticed that I have appeared more tired at work (which is true) and they are also getting tired of me often taking time off as supportive as they have been. I don't have much support as J is really secretive about her diagnoses and also her family seems to be part of the reason why she has developed these condition as explained by her psychiatrist/psychoanalytic consultant. I'm not sure how to proceed? Should I take time off work? It seems like if I take a week off, I'm not sure if it will have any lasting impact on her wellbeing but only a transient one.

It also seems that we've loss the connection we once had and she goes to her friend for support and it's given our relationship a lot of stress. It feels almost like she is preparing to leave the relationship. I can understand that what she does is part of her diagnosis but it doesn't make it feel any better. It might be selfish to admit but that's how I feel about what is happening lately.

I realise it's a lot of information and I am hoping that someone has some advice.

[Janna]

Hi and welcome,

You sound like a wonderful person who is trying very hard to juggle your "caring" role with your professional role.  Mental health issues impact profoundly on relationships and most definitely increase stress.  If your partner has Borderline Personality Disorder she will fear abandonment in an extreme way which is probably why she is wanting you to be around her more.  Unfortunately I don't think she is seeing your absence from her as being for legitimate work reasons but is internalising and catastrophising this and seeing/feeling it as an abandonment/rejection.  This is also probably why she is so guarded about her diagnosis because she fears rejection and abandonment from people if they should find out.  Unfortunately I feel that the more you cater to her needs, the greater her dependancy and fears of abandoment will grow.  From that perspective I think it's essential that you continue to work as you would and only take time off if there is a major crisis - otherwise I fear that they'll be no end to it - the more time you have off, the more she will come to expect this.

I hope that she is in regular therapy because BPD is quite responsive to therapy.  BPD often has a trauma base as a primary cause so there is much healing work for her to do which is not going to be easy for her, or you.  If her history involves trauma please make sure that her therapist works from a trauma informed perspective.  BPD individuals also have poor boundaries so it's really important that you maintain strong healthy boundaries - going to work would be one such boundary that you'll need to enforce. This by no means is a reflection of your diminished care and concern for her but an essential way of maintaining your own strength and sanity in the situation.  

It's very important that you somehow get some self-care along the way as well.  Being a surgical trainee is a highly stressful and demanding role, as is caring for a loved one with mental health issues.  Try and get her involved in a support group, therapy and set up some self-help tools for her to engage in e.g. art therapy, journaling, mindfulness, etc.  Ensure that she remains involved in something and encourage her to disclose or talk to at least one good friend about what's happening.  If things become really tough and you feel that she is not coping a short inpatient stay at an appropriate unit where she can engage in intensive group/individual therapy may be beneficial in teaching her coping techniques and also coming to terms with her diagnosis.  

This is not going to be easy.  Hoping that this is a somewhat helpful answer to your question.

Janna ❤️

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @Lckj

Thanks for your message.
@Janna Is so thorough with her message ..... I like to add....to it as someone who is a proud consumer meaning that I have had the guts to access mental health agencies myself. And married to someone diagnosed at 19 yrs old. Chronic paranoid sch.

You have an important job - you seem very caring and one thing I've only learnt in the last 2 years is self care. Self care means ....

To me at least : every time you are asked to do something you ask yourself, 'is this action going to assist my long term me ?

It Can take a long time to fall into a habit, of this thought process.
Of thinking :
Will I Benifit from this activity ?
Example: should I take the day off ? How is this going to help me ?

It feels that your poor fiancé is displaying part of her MI ..... .. 🏩,🌄 With the feeling that you write of her leaving the relationship : fear of abandonment and I agree how @Janna writes about catering to her needs.

For many many years I struggled ( still do ) with a Bpd mother and Step Father so I have a little understanding pf what your going through. Just a little : everyone's story is different.
I remember about 5 years ago, my mum retired back to Western Australia from working in another country. I stopped work and literally turned myself inside out to help her out for about a month. It was exhausting and my work ...Jeepers they were surprised if I was in the office and my phone rang and was mum ide jump to attention : then ...... I went out for coffee with one of my mums and one of my friends...... She was furious at me because my Mum had been so complaining about me ..... Then her other friends would cross the road if they saw me my mum had spent all of her time complaining about me



Also I agree about group therapy for your dear fiancée
You write of little support : would you do something for yourself ? Do you have any time ?
I have about 4 personal projects on the go but my job is fulltime caring for Mr H. That's my husband. We've been married about 4 years about 18 months seperate so he could deal with his journey.....

You sound cool
Hope what i wrote helps out
Anne

[NikNik]

Hi @Lckj

I hope you don't mind, I moved your discussion so it didn't get lost in the other thread.

I thought I'd also share with you a link to a Topic Tuesday that happened a little while ago. It's a discussion about BPD with the special guest being an expert in BPD and with lived expeirence too.

You can find it here

Welcome to the Forums

[artee]

Hi @Lckj

You've found a good place here. I only found this place recently too.

I don't have much advice, just to let you know you definitely aren't alone and there are wonderful people here who do understand. My hubby has an acquired brain injury, so I don't have exactly the same issues as you, but he is clingy and obsessive and I know he fears abandonment but instead of wanting to leave, he works very hard on pushing me away, but then fears my leaving and becomes controlling.

You have a career to consider and you'll need strong boundaries to ensure you keep on track with that. You might also want to talk to your finacee's counsellors, and ask them to help you reinforce with her that your work is important.

I also agree you must have you time, outside of work and from your financee. This is the part I really struggle hard with, due to strange circumstances. Without it you'll burn out. I've seen it written here and many other places, if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of others.

Good luck, keep posting.

[Growing]

Good morning,

I can't comment on diagnosis or other details of your story, but may I share with you that I found help for a  dysfunctional relationship when I started attending a Grow self help group. 

Key things I learned is that the only person we can change is ourselves; that mental health involves aligning our thoughts with reality-the way things are (not the way we fear them  to be, wish them to be, think others expect them to be etc). Also that we should not be doing for others things that they should ordinarilly be expected to do for themselves; because this is a pathway to a codependent type of relationship - effectively an unhealthy cycling between two people who end up bringing out the worst in each other instead of the best, as should be in a healthy relationship.

I ended up divorced after 22 years of unheathy relationship, but the program helped me see that there was also good that came from it, not least the learning that helped us both to grow as people. We have a healthy and respectful and appreciative relationship now.

The humbling thing about the self help group I attended was that I, as a "socially successful, competent" participant in society was helped immensely by people who had been delegated to the "scrap heap of humanity" on the basis of a mental illness diagnosis. I am  much wiser now in spite of the pain I think I needed to go through and after an 8 year break from any romantic relationship, a newly formed one that is proceeding quite healthily and proving through practice "in the field"  the veracity of the maxims and strategies I learned in Grow.

This is not to say that a relationship has to end to improve. I wish I had learned these things earlier in my relationship and that we could have lasted the journey to the end. But we didn't and acceepting that is allowing us to appreciate other adventures unfolding for us from which much good and happiness can also be drawn.

I wish you and your fiance well.