Lived Experience Forum

[Angelic8888]

Hi,
My ex partner, I say Ex as we have had a huge break u once again last week.
He has bipolar and suffers sociopath tendencies and is a Alcoholic with major addictions to gambling, infidelity,alcohol, drugs and painkillers.
We have been together on and off for the last 14 months.
His bipolar is out of control as has been on and off all last year.
We moved interstate together, me moving all of my belongings and furniture interstate early last year to look after his teenage children due to their Mother dying.
Was rough with the teenage daughter living with us with all her addictions and mind games.
Now the ex wife has died the teenage son is living with us.
My ex has never coped with raising a family and conveniently goes interstate every few months for his own business.
During this time as with his wife, he pretends that he is single, partying, single bats and dating sites.
He still contact his ex girlfriends regularly even with me and frequents dating sites, denies it all to me but this is when he is drunk or stoned and his other personality.
I've been abused verbally,mentally and he has withdrawn from me for the past 6 months.
Barely spent time with me at all.
We have had a huge fight last week and split up with me going interstate to stay with my daughter for a few weeks.
I love him but I had a major breakdown and told him everything that I thought of him and all that he has done to me as I can't do it anymore.
I do love him and have tried the best I could to support him but the alcohol and drugs and mobs games are destroying me.
He had taken all of my money so now I am broke.
He pays the bills for the house.
Work has dried up for him and I work for the business.
I can't afford to pay for the removalist to pack and transport all of my stuff if I move back home interstate.
He had suggested as we have a rented house that I stay there while he works where the work is and I look after the house and his kids.
His family and friends are close by and support me but I feel like a outsider.y daughters want me to move back home.
I feel like a failure.
We are not talking and he is back on his medication and threatening legal action.
What do I do?
I would appreciate any help please

[Angelic8888]

P.s he has very little money but promised that he will try to help me financially when he gets work but he is a lier and a manipulator.
He said that he doesn't want to be my partner ever again but we will always remain good friends even when I have someone and he has someone, I told him that is never going to happen.
Altogether I have lost $75,000.00 in the last year on business expenses and gambling.
He loved to spend money he says but is very tight with giving me money but his daughter can have, do or say whatever she wants.
He is a alpha male and aggressive verbally when drunk every few nights.
Other wise he is very loving and attentive

[Mazarita]

Hi @Angelic8888,

Welcome to the forum and good on you for being brave enough to share what has happened in your traumatic relationship with your ex-partner. Relationships are always complex but, from what you've written, I'd have to say I'm with your daughters in thinking it would probably be best for you to move back home. I hear that your financial situation does not allow moving all your things at this time. But is it possible to put everything in storage for now and just get away from this awful situation that you have landed in? I feel for the pain and difficulty you are going through and am sorry for your naturally deep sense of loss. But it sounds like you are being abused in this relationship. I say this as someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar myself. But bear in mind that these thoughts are just my opinion based on what you have written.

I also suggest that you consider seeking advice in the Carers Forum. The perspective there is from people who are in ongoing relationships with partners and other loved ones with mental illness. Some of these carers have very long experience of difficult relationships and may provide you with some really helpful thoughts. I wish you well.

[Angelic8888]

Hi,
Thank you very much for your kind words and advice.
Yes I had thought to put my things into storage which you also suggested.
At this stage that appears to be the best option.
I feel so humiliated to move back home after all that I've done for him, what a fool I've been.
I only found out that he had bipolar after I moved, he changed completely and yes I am being abused as he dies go his sister and his mother but I thought that I could get through to him.
He has told me that no one else has loved him as much as I love him.
He is mentally sick and really I feel that he is not aware as he has little empathy and de compartmentalises so as not to deal with his emotions.
I don't understand, it's as though he has a nature who wants to attack and destroy himself.
I really don't want to abandon him but it's what he wants
Thank you very much and I send you love and light

[Loopy]

@Angelic8888. Hi and welcome. My advice, for what it is worth is go to see a legal aid lawyer. He has no reason to take legal action. You are the victim of  abuse in many forms. If the legal boys do their job you should  be ok. But being an ex cop, call them. I know it sounds a bit drastic but you need protection. He has spent all your money, caused you to leave your home, and now is making legal noise to confuse you and keep you under his control. This is the sort of action that Rosie Batty was fighting for when she was awarded the Australian of the year award. I have deal with hundreds of incident like yours and really, your only step is to leave or get your own legal help. The Police now are very quick and helpful. Should not have to live under those types of circumstances. No matter how much you love him, he does not deserve to have someone like you. You have to weigh up the consequences of staying with him, as he is, or without him.

I feel so sorry for you because you are in a no win situation because of your love for him.

loopy.

[Angelic8888]

Hi Lpopy,
Thank you for your welcome.
Thank you for your email, all the advice is much much appreciated.
It is very comforting for someone with your experience and knowledge to help me,
Understanding my situation too is so valuable for me as well.
I won't be going back under any circumstance at all.
I will have someone sort out my clothes and personal items and car to bring to me and sort out my furniture.
It is a relief after all that I've been through.
Thank God for my daughters, from my previous marriage, if there weren't strong and supportive I would never have got to leave.
Take care and all the best :)))

[Angelic8888]

Loopy sorry spellcheck.

[Angelic8888]

Hi ,I've contacted Legal advice and am waiting for a Lawyer. Meanwhile my ex partner has been telling me how well he is running the house and managing the money.And;Work is coming in for him and has money coming in from Centrelink,;He and his mate are going to give me the money for bond and rent after I told him that I'm moving back interstate.;He is driving my car back here to me with my personal belongings this weekend;I can't rent in my name as he has left me with a bad rentals t history and a VCat tribunalHe won't put his name on the lease for me to rent;His latest suggestion is for me to go shared accommodation for a few months after I refused that he wants me to forge his signature and name on a rental agreement.He will pay for furniture to be rented out by him for me and he will pay or he will give me some money for me to buy second hand cheap furniture for me to have in my new home.;He can't afford to transport my belongings back to me and is too expensive so cheaper for me to buy new stuff.He will store all my stuff in the house we both rent up there and it is always there safe like in storage. All the furniture and belongings is mine and I paid to be moved there as well as I paid for the bond and first few months rent.;He spent $75,000 of my money or more and now wants to keep all of my belongings except my personal clothes, etc and I'm left paying rent and furniture rent when he sets it up in a way so that he's not liable to pay.I think that is what he is working at.;He was thrown out of his last girlfriends house, she is a multi millionaire and he was left to rent a small unit with rented furniture like what he is trying to do to me to me he is pushing the boundaries ore and more so that he takes everything of mine ;He has been giving my things to his friends and his family for the past year, even tried to give my car aware

[Angelic8888]

I think that he wants to stay in the house up there with all my belongings and live his life with his kids in a settled fully equipped home after he had nothing at all a year ago and find another woman while he sends me away to pay for a rental which I can't afford with no money and no furniture while I am forced to work to pay for my new beginnings after he kdrive me out.<br>Is this what he is angling at.<br>

[Appleblossom]

It sounds like you have been struggling with him for a long time. It is important to separate out things for yourself.  Deal with your personal safety and your legal rights first.  There may be some financial settlement and you may get your possessions returned.

When I finally left my husband there were blame games designed to reduce child support etc.

As women we are often socialised to love and deny our needs and feelings.  Dealing with poorly parented teen step children can be a nightmare.  But we can be our own worst enemy.  i had thoughts of making it up with my husband ... but am glad I ultimately did not.  I cannot respect the way he treated me or his own children to avoid responsibility and it is not only about "bringing in the bikkies".

Best of luck ... there is a lot to work out. @Angelic8888

Having a mental illness is not a licence to abuse others and it is important not to allow him to continue to do so. It can get confused in all the gender games and swapping partners ... but a lot of people with MI are very ethical ...