Lived Experience Forum

[Melly2]

So I've been battling with depression since I was 16 I'm now 27. No matter what meds I'm on I always feel they don't work. One doctor says I have depression, the other says I have bipolar I don't know what to do anymore the doctors seem to not listen or care. Every day is a battle for me, i feel like I'm stuck inside a body that's not mine and I'm trying to claw and scream my way out but no one hears me almost like I've been taken over by another personality and I'm in the background. I feel completely crazy I don't know who I am or what I want in this life and sometimes I feel like I want to die because I feel like I don't belong in this life. And I want to know what it's like. Most of the time I feel like I'm having an out of body experience, I have such anger and hatred all the time and I try so hard to push it back down and put on that happy face it takes so much energy. I'm always tired, I need professional help. And I don't know where to go. Please help anyone.

[Appleblossom]

Have you tried any meditation or mindfulness practices?

They have helped me survive many states simlilar to those you describe.  It can be difficult, but it has helped ground me and keep body, heart & soul together.

I know there are psychotherapeutic sessions and meds .. but they arent always as reliable ...

Take care and Hang in there @Melly2

[suzanne]

Hi @Melly2, I can't imagine that was easy to write so thank you for sharing your story with us.  Reading it I just kept thinking 'it can be so much better than this'.  While medication can be effective, the emotional pain you express needs more careful attention.  Someone listening and helping you unravel those thoughts and feelings.  Helping you let the person you know is under that layer of anger and despair to surface.  Not necessarily as a replacement for meds but certainly as an addition to.

Have you had counselling yet?  Or should I say, effective counselling?  If not, please talk to your GP next time you see them and get a mental health care plan and a referral to a Psychologist.  There are lots of threads on here that will be able to relate to if you have a wander around.  This one, different condition, but still about the search for the right combination of treatment approaches.  It's something all members have in common.

What's most important is to not lose hope.  To keep reaching out, as you've done here, because that's how you start to move towards recovery.  It's been a couple of days since you first posted.  How've things been in that time?

[NikNik]

Hi @Melly2

Just checking in to see how are you travelling?

[MoonGal]

Hello @Melly2 - that took some courage to write. You really descibed what you are exepriencing so clearly.  How are you feeling/thinking today its been a week since you posted?

I am in my 50's now but back in my late teens early twenties all the way up to my early thirties I felt exactly like you do now. I used to descibe it like I was 'behind dark glass' not really here, but the bits of me that were here were horrible, painful. I used to feel flayed like a raw nerve ending at the same time as not feeling anything but rage, then self-pity, then wanting to 'change' and throwing myself into a new "Me" and of course the old me coming with me and us all ending up in yet another pudde of muck.

I am sorry to hear your experiences with the doctors , I am wondering if you might ask for a referall for a Mental Health Plan - and do some research online if you feel up to for Psyhcologists in your area, and whther a referal to a diagnostic Psychiatrist might also be useful so you know what you are dealing with.

When you say you are stuck inside a body that is "not yours" is that about feeling as if you are not who you 'should' be? That you should be someone different? I am just wondering if you would benefit from talking about this aspect some more - maybe not here - but with a Psychiatrist or experienced counsellor. This kind of dysphoria may be a good thing to unpack and ge to the bottom of it so you can feel more at home in your own body/skin.

I know just how utterly alone we feel when we are going through it.