Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[pip]

Dear Chris. With your family history being the way it was, it's hardly surprising you're unable to communicate. My home life for lack of another description was soo similar. As I grew up, what was more confusing, my friends (such as I had) seemed to have an almost 'Walton' type of relationship with their parents. I envied them this, but I never had the opportunity to experience this with my parents. Their word was LAW. Can I ask if you share a 'bond' with your own children and g'children. I have two grown kids, plus 5 g'children. The love we share, more than makes up for what I never had at home. I vowed that when and if I had kids I would be the 'perfect' mum, totally the opposite to what I had. Unfortunately, that idea went 'pear-shaped' too, as my kids were not 'perfect'. Overcoming the rejection I feared from my kids was actually easier, because they had never experienced rejection, therefore they didn't know to reject me. I would like to suggest, you sit down with your remaining son and try explaining how you feel. My son now understands fully why I feel so bad and he often tells me, 'mum, while I don't often say 'I love you', I let you know in so many ways'. When we 'love' without question, or expectation, we get back so much more. Yes, people can hurt, I've been let-down by those I trusted. I have had to accept that not everybody has my intentions. I'm not perfect, far from it, I expect nothing and I'm always pleasantly surprised when someone smiles and acknowledges me. If you can learn to love yourself, people will notice and start accepting you for the warm, caring, sensitive person you are. Take pleasure in knowing you did what you could for ungrateful parents. Take extra pleasure in the realization you are free of the past shackles. You can be your own boss, you can't 'sack' yourself. You can't change your past, but you are in charge of your future. You know what you want, don't be scared to ask hubby to spend time with you. Ask for his friendship. Try writing him a letter.

[suzanne]

Even being aware that you could be making better choices to comfort yourself is good @Chris.  It's so important to be gentle with yourself though.  So don't be too self-critical about these choices.  As you feel stronger you'll be able to make better ones.  None of us get it right all the time anyway.

I'm glad that talking it through has helped.  We're still here 🙂

[Chris]

I too vowed i would make things different for my kids. I always tried to listen to them from an early age. I encouraged them to try new things, to be independent.  My mantra was to let them go in order for them to come back of their own free will. And over the years they have done that. As for feeling close to them, i feel distant, even disconnected at times.. but at the same time they know i am there for them 24/7, that includes the grand children. Its still a work in progress to feel connected. My emotions have been buried for a long time, and I'm  still not comfortable  with feeling positive or negative emotions.

[pip]

Hi Chris. I can relate to how difficult it is to feel close to your kids when you were never encouraged as a child. Feeling close, hugging is foreign because you never experienced it. We bury emotions rather than allow ourselves to open to 'hurt'. Hurting is something we're 'used' to because it's how we were raised. However, we now don't have to allow ourselves to be hurt anymore. I say 'we' because I had such a similar upbringing, I too buried myself in anything rather than allowing myself to 'feel'. Have you started keeping records of what makes you smile, feel good? Sometimes a programme on t.v brings out a smile, or a tear. Allow yourself the luxury of enjoying something that makes you feel good. Maybe a walk with hubby or child, talking about everyday things that make you feel good. Maybe allow yourself to feel anger about something, anger is not necessarily a 'negative' emotion. Anger is a feeling like happiness, sadness. I'm feeling anger at the moment as I've just had an operation remove a cancerous tumor from my right breast. I have just received news that I may have to have a course of chemo instead of radiation. I feel anger because I don't feel 'in control' of my life or destiny. My bf is too far away to help, he is 'there' for me, but he can't 'do' anything. He is my rock, but I still feel anger because of what's happening. He lives interstate, I know he'd be here if possible. I am not afraid to feel anger because it's not a negative anger it's a frustration type anger. Once you learn to distinguish the different emotions, it does become easier to deal with. Negative emotions are only negative if you are unable to control them. Anger, happiness, sadness are emotions we can deal with because they're controllable.

[NikNik]

Hi @Chris & @pip
I hope you're taking care of yourself tonight Chris, as Suzanne suggested.

@pip - I'm so sorry to hear your news about potentially having chemo. I know that Breast Cancer Network Australia has a network / community, just like this - which you can find at https://www.bcna.org.au/online-network/help-faqs/
and they also have a heap of resources if you feel you need it.
I totally understand the type of anger you describe. When do you find out for sure?
Sending you both positive vibes for good health.

[Chris]

Hi pip

Im so sorry to hear about what you are  going through . Here you are supporting others. I hope you can continue to share you experience with us, so we can support you.

[pip]

Hi Chris & NikNik. Your support means a lot. I haven't been on the forums long, but I have had some positive feedback already, so I have gained, where before when I felt 'alone' it was not a good feeling. Helping others find their way to where the sun always shines, is my way of dealing with my frustration. After tomorrow, hopefully, I will know for sure whether it'll be chemo or radiation. There is good and bad in both treatments, so either way, I will win. It's just that with chemo, hair loss, physical changes to the body, face etc, is going to be difficult to adjust to. Radiation has it's fair share of side effects too. Burning, scarring, skin stretching is not a nice thought either. I have just written my bf and informed him of possible physical changes and received no reply. I guess he didn't think about that side of things either. I'm sure it won't bother him, but obviously my news shocked him slightly. I'll no doubt hear from him tomorrow and all will be okay.

[Chris]

Hi pip, please let us know how you get on. Even though we are not able to be with you physically, we are with you in spirit, and thinking of you.

I saw the psychiatrist  this afternoon and was able to get out what has been hapening for me in the last six weeks or so down to present. She was very understanding and asked me if i needed to be admitted to hospital. I declined for a number of reasons. First its ok to go in, but i still have to go home and face the same issues. Second we are going away in just over a weeks time and everything is booked and payed for. And i am hoping the change will break the cycle of whats been hapening. 

I see my own psychiatrist on tuesday and my psychologist on monday, so just have to get through the next few days.

[Chris]

Well over a week has passed. At the weekend i decided to email my psychiatrist, with the knowledge i had an appointment on tuesday.

Iwas very open and honest with him about what has been hapening and how i feel. I have had very mixed feelings about this. Part of me feels like I'm attention seeking, another part says I'm reaching out for help. I also have a feeling of being dependant on him, and i really hate that. 

I saw my psychologist on monday whichwent welland she said she would try and contact my psychiatrist and let him know she was concerned about my mood. 

After all that i had a phone call on monday to cancel my appointment on tuesday as something urgent had come up.  So i now will see him tomorrow  morning.  My mood has been all over the place. I dont know what to do if he says hospital. We go away next week, and my husband is looking forward to it. Part of me say, i just cant do this any more,  but i also feel incredably guilty.. i feel caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Guess I'll just have to wait untill tomorrow. 

Pip wher are you? Are you ok. Thinking of you hugs.

[Skylark]

Hi @Chris was wondering how you are? I read your original post and felt like there are times I could have written it. Also wondering how @pip is. I'm struggling a little myself the last few days but hoping to feel better soon. I'm a wife and parent and my role is taking care of others etc which I love but it's hard to take care of ourselves sometimes. I have a difficult time and feel guilty if I even want time away alone - even if it were 2 hours. It's also hard to make it happen logistically so I try and find ways to recharge while I am still doing what I need to do. I hope you are both well and happy xo