Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Chris]

My day is crawl out of bed at two pm. Feeling overwhelmed with everything. House a disgusting mess. Husband home at 3pm. Looks around and i see the frustration in his face. He told our son that lives with us, that  i dont do anything. He says nothing to me, but i see his anoyance. I some how manage to cook dinner. Then medication. Thoughts turn inward. I cant do this any more, thoughts of self harm get stronger, so i go to bed in hope of a peaceful sleep. I dont want to think. I dont want to dream. I just want to be in a state of nothingness. I dont want to face another day.

I know ive made progress the last few years, but i am oh so tired of the constant struggle. The older i get the harder it gets. Ive had enough.

Now my delema is Thursday with an appointment with the psychiatrist  who overseas the group programms. I dont actually need to see her but kept the appointment as its another week before i see my psychiatrist  . Dont think i can hang on that long. I dont know how i can address what i really feel. So scared of rejection and abandonment. 

[Baboo]

Oh Chris,

im very sorry to read you feel this way.

Is there any one that you can speak with tonight? Family or friend?

- perhaps Lifeline? ( 13 11 14 )

Kind regards,

Baboo- Moderator

[Chris]

Sorry just realised  i posted on the wrong side.

[pip]

Dear Chris. Even though you're married with a child, your loneliness is so obvious. Did you have a job before you were married. If you married, then quit work to have the child, no wonder you feel life has passed you by. Do you have any hobbies, or interests that you enjoyed before you started feeling so down. If you can remember how you felt before this illness, what you did to make you feel good about yourself. Perhaps you could try to get back to that. Your hubby can't help you as he can't feel what you're experiencing. He sees what he thinks is you being lazy, what he can't see is your lack of motivation. When we get depressed, motivation to stay in bed is overpowering and controlling. I used to convince myself my ex was SO cruel expecting me to get up. He wasn't being cruel at all, I was SICK and all he could say was 'are you depressed'. Tell your hubby you are depressed and desperately need help. I would also suggest you contact lifeline and ask to speak to one of their trained counsellors. It sounds as though your psych is not being very helpful either. Perhaps a visit to your Dr and referral to a therapist might benefit you more. Therapists usually try to draw out what we're feeling by asking how we spend our days. Possibly get your medication reviewed as well.

[Former-Member]

can 100% relate chris

This might not be much help but kindness you have shown me and others in these forums are proof that you are an amazing person even if that is hazy to you. Thank you for being you. 

[Chris]

I have four adult children and five grandchildren aged eighteen to four. My life has been taking care of my mum from age eleven. A two year break because i move to Australia. Then the four children. Two with learning difficulties. Then my parents moved in with us. Followed by caring for my father who had cancer, then mum lived with us for thirteen years. I didnt go into the workforce untill in my forties. That was in childcare, so again in that caring roll. During that time at work i had two breakdowns. The second was so severe i was unable to return to work. I also have social phobia, which is an ongoing problem. I find it very difficult to be around people and converce.

Over the years and especially the last three years i have put alot of work in on myself. Both with personal therapy and group work . But i feel the same basic problems are there. Fear of people. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandenment. Fear of being hurt.  Those fears have been with me my whole life.

I guess im just tired of the ongoing struggle.  The worst i feel, the more i withdraw. My psychiatrist has told me in the past to contact him via email if im having problems. I am thinking i will do that monday before my appointment  Tuesday.That way i can get out what i want to say..my other problem is if he wants me in hospital, were due to go away. I already feel really guilty if we have to cancel.

I hope this makes some xence,i feel like im jumping around all over the place.

[pip]

Dear Chris. What an amazing life style. But an incredibly draining one too. All these people you've cared for, but who cared for you? You didn't enter the workforce till your 40's, but you've never actually stopped working. You've cared for someone since you were 11, you're totally exhausted. I'm not surprised you've had multiple breakdowns. No-one could do what you've done for decades without something 'giving'. In this case, you. Over the space of the years, you lost 'you'. The fear of rejection could be partially due to the inability to talk to some other than care for them. When you try to talk to someone, you possibly subconsciously revert to your 'care' role. Try writing down what you're feeling (if you can). If no-one but you understands that doesn't matter. Write it down, give it to your psych. If he/she asks for clarification on something, try explaining. If you can't explain, ask your psych to try reversing the role. The psych becomes the patient, you become the carer. Ask the psych something about his/her life (nothing personal). Then tell the psych how you view their lifestyle. This should give the psych some idea where you're coming from, in relation to how you view things as opposed to him/her.

[Chris]

I dont think I've  ever felt cared for. I cant ever remember a hug from my parents. It was always harsh words from my mum.  The old ways of children are seen and not heard. You speak when your spoken to. It left me very unsure of myself. Always afraid to speak in case i said the wrong thing. So i constantly analized what i said before i spoke. I still do it.

My dad was hardly home. I desperately wanted a relationship with him, but as i got into my teen years and adulthood. It was just filled with misunderstandings and i was living in my sisters shadow, being compared to her.

Theres been other stuff that has hapened that has left me unable to trust. It makes it very difficult for me to reach out for help, for fear of rejection and ridicule. I know this sounds awful but i dont really like people. People hurt. If i rely on myself i can only let myself down.

I dont have any friends and im ok with that. My family is my life, but that gets too much sometimes.

Sorry to be so negative. This is just how it is right now.

[suzanne]

Hi @Chris, just wanted to drop in the thread and say hi.  You're story is an amazing one but those experiences have clearly come at a cost.  You haven't received back anywhere near enough care and support for those situations to be sustainable.  Maybe that's why things came to a head when you entered a professional caring role.  You were already running on empty. 

I'm sorry to hear that you feel so drained and sad at the moment.  I would imagine you've been through these cycles in the past.  What tends to help?  The contact with your Psychiatrist is a good one - both writing and through the appointment.  Even if you don't feel like attending, you never know what will come out of it.

Is there anything else?  Something that nurtures you?  Rights the balance even a little bit? 

[Chris]

I'm  at the point where i am reaching out for the wrong things.  Sleep most of the day. I crave alcohol even though i havent drunk in years. I want to drink myself into oblivion.  Food anything sweet. I know all of these things take me in the wrong direction.

Other self harm enters my my mind. Bed seems to be the safest place to be. Feels like such a long time untill Tuesday. Ive been here before many times. This isnt much different really. By the way having said all this has helped take the fear out of what is going on in my head. So i fhink i am safe. Thanks for listening and responding. It means alot.