Lived Experience Forum

[emptyspace]

At 8 years old I was diagnosed with depression after attempting to commit suicide multiple times. I was sexually abused my whole entire life as far back as I can remember until I was 14. From 8 to 14 I drank a lot of alcohol and did a fair amount of illegal drugs. At 16 I had a miscarriage. At 17 I birthed a healthy baby girl. At 19 my childhood friend committed suicide, which absolutely gutted me. At 20 I had a partial molar pregnancy and after was diagnosed with infertility. At 21 I had a stillbirth at 22+3 weeks. At 23 I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder & grief reaction.. but that's not all that's happened and is still happening. When I lost my daughter it was just the beginning of medical issues for me, from low white blood cells to low red blood cells, to low b12 and an iron deficiency, to subclinical hypothyroidism, to heart issues, to crippling migraines and so so much more.

All I want is an end to the on going pain. All I want is to be normal and have normal thoughts. I am so incredibly suicidal and no coping methods are working for me, still. This is the whole reason I sought professional help to begin with because it seems like absolutely nothing is important to me anymore until it's almost too late and then the voices in my head change and keep telling me "she needs you here" "just keep breathing" "she needs you to breathe" even though moments before they were feeding me a different story. I haven't told anyone that yet. Not even my psychologist because I'm too afraid she'll intervene and I'll end up the one place I don't ever want to be, the PA mental ward, but I need the help and I just don't know what to do.

[Victor]

Dear Emptyspace, firstly I would like to welcome you to the forum. I would be interested to hear how you found us. If you take your time and review the numerous posts  on the forum you will find many amazing people who have been through so much and have engaged in this community to support self and others in their recovery journeys. Depression and life traumas can have an incredible impact on us. I hope that you find this a welcoming place.  I have linked to you a Topic Tuesday that occurred in early August about Trauma that you might be interested in reading. To conclude as I mention to all people I welcome remember to keep safe  If you or someone you know is in crisis and needs urgent help call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or in an emergency call 000. I look forward to seeing your contributions on the forum in the future.

All the best

Victor

[Appleblossom]

You must be quite a survivor.

Your voice of wisdom was telling you to breathe ... and often that is all we can do ... focus on that next breathe.

Try and nurture that part of you.  Having a baby we see the incredible vulnerability of the human condition and their neediness can be overwhelming ... but YOU will always be the mother.  How old is your child now? 

Trauma in childhood can leave us full of conflicting and many negative thoughts. 

I never spoke about my suicidal thoughts to my therapists for about 16 years ... i dont  know how I managed not to mention it ... there was always so much going on ... but it is their job to deal with it ... so dip your little toe .. in .. you dont have to say too much ... if you dont feel ready .. and your psych hasnt developed trust with you yet ...

I had a tough childhood and did illegal drugs .. was very afraid of losing my children ... but luckily dont have the other health problems you do. 

Yet I did have severe pain ... and developed the ... goal ... to be pain-free ... I would chant it to myself when I was mentally disturbed and it became like a mantra ... it meant more to me .. as it evolved from my set of circumstances ... find some healing thoughts to repeat to yourself ...that work for you.

I hope you gain from being in the forum ... there is a lot of give and take ... we dont always know how what we share ... effects others .. but mostly it seems to work and help ...

the bad stuff is ..better out ... than in.

Take care

Apple

[utopia]

@emptyspace. Welcome to the forum. I'm so glad you were comfortable enough to share with us what you haven't been able to share with your psychologist. Well done for reaching out here.
You will find many members on this site have suffered similar horrific childhoods as you did. Hopefully you will finnd some support, understanding and friendships here.
It is not always easy to talk about suicidal thoughts or negative voices in our heads.
I'm guessing you have been with your psychologist for a long time. Maybe now might be the time you can open up and share these thoughts.
When I had SI it was my decision to go to hospital. After 12 years as a single parent - I thought a break from home would also be good - & it was.
At the moment your daughter is keeping you safe from following through with these thoughts. That's good. Use that & keep reminding yourself that she needs you.
I think by opening up and being honest with your psychologist - that then things can start improving. You may not need hospitalisation. You may need a change of medication or dose. You may need a new therapy technique to learn. Slowly but surely - more treatments are becoming available.
Please keep talking with us here and if your thoughts get stronger - please call LifeLine or your local Mental Health Team.
I'm thinking of you.

[emptyspace]

Thanks for the welcome, Victor. I've actually seen a lot of advertisement for this site around my area and on the tv the night I joined, although I don't watch much tv it was that ad in particular that had me signing up. Thank you for the link to the Topic Tuesday thread about Trauma. The amount that I have read so far was interesting and helpful however it's going to take me a couple of days to fully read all 14 pages of it due to these continuous migraines though. I hope that's alright. I plan to look around and help out where I can but that's going to have to wait until I can bare to look at a screen for more than a few minutes at a time.

[emptyspace]

Hi Appleblossom! Thanks for your reply. I'm not familiar with the term "voice of wisdom" so I'm not quite sure what that is exactly. My first born is 6 years old and she is absolutely the light of my life and the whole entire reason I'm even still alive.

I don't know what it was other than the fear of her intervening that kept from telling my psychologist but I took your advice and told her today. Thankfully I did not end up at the hospital again. Thank you for sharing part of your story with me too and I'm sorry my reply is not as thorough as yours. I am currently experiencing a lot of eye pain and vision distortion due to this migraine that I haven't been able to shake yet.

I love that quote, it is very similar to Shrek's and I just love Shrek

[Appleblossom]

I am glad you could deepen your session with therapist and that they did not over react and put you in hospital.  I hope in the long run they prove to be a real support.  My daughter kept me alive too when she was 5-6 ... she was so utterly amazing.... she still is amazing and good reason for me to be proud.

@emptyspace  you are far more than that .. as mothers we often feel we need to negate ourselves.

Take care