Lived Experience Forum

[Change123]

Ok I'm probably asking the same question in different ways but my main battle in healing from BPD is that I have gone from an abusive home straight to an unmedicated bipolar partner who is abusive.

All my life either by my family and then after with my partner I keep getting told that everything is my fault and basically being made to feel worthless by everyone around.  When I was seeing a pysc and doing my DBT group they said to trust that inner voice (wise mind) in my head and that everything cant be just my fault - it takes 2.  I also know logically that you cant control someone's reaction to you, it is their responsbility to take control of their own actions. But logic doesnt come into with BPD as you are all aware when you are feeling like crap.

What I really struggle with and what I feel stops my healing is not REALLY knowing what my reality is, what I mean by that is I get blamed constantly from my partner for everything, his bipolar, his life in general, the fact that he doesnt work and the list goes on and on.  How do I know if its his bipolar talking or if this is actually my fault.  I have absolultely nothing to gauge it on and no one to talk to physically (no friends, family, work colleagues) no seeing a therapist at the moment as I have said in other posts he wont let me see them anymore because apparently it feeds my BPD??  So how can I tell what is my reality?  This is something that really eats at me and I'm constantly over analysing myself to apoint that drives me crazy.  I think if it really is all my fault I must be really sick and not even realise it. I dont know whether to be angry with my partner for putting me through this or if I should go to the hospital and just get myself admitted - I really really dont know as I have had this all my life without a break.  I didnt even get the chance to live by myself I went straight from home to my partner so this is all I have ever known, abuse, blame and how useless I am.

[pip]

Dear @Change123. Your partners constant abuse is adding to your feelings of unworthiness. His bipolar is HIS, not yours, his lack of employment is HIS fault, not yours. You may have to think about where your life is going if you want to remain with him. It sounds as though you completely lack self confidence due to your dysfunctional home life, plus dysfunctional partner. possibly getting yourself admitted and asking for help to do whatever you need to do would be a good thought. You are the only one who knows what you want in life. If you could get away from him long enough to 'breathe' it possibly would gain you time to decide what you want to do. When we are raised in abusive, dysfunctional families, we often involve ourselves with similar partners as we don't have any other male role models to guide us to make better choices. We meet someone who appears to be our 'dream come true'. We don't know how to 'see' them for what they are, before we jump headlong into another disaster. Perhaps the best thing for you is to be on your own to get to know yourself and whether you can live with you, before living with someone else. If you can't live happily and peacefully with you, it's going to be harder living with someone else. I was similar to you in that I made wrong choices too. I had terrible male role models when I was growing up. I now live alone and for the first time in my life, I know me and what makes me happy. I do have a bf, whether we'll ever live together is not an issue. Whether I can continue living with me is more interesting. I have discovered I can be extremely selfish, lazy (bad). I am kind, but I don't want (at this stage) to live with anyone.

[Change123]

Dear @pip

Thanks and I know you are right and living by myself is something I would want to do but firstly I dont think right now I'm strong enough. He would totally lose it if I did that and I'm scared of the outcome and if he would do anything to my dog out of spite.  I dont know if I have the will to start all over financially aswell.  

I just feel so stuck at the moment and that I have no control over my life.

I also feel that if I left I would have to leave my job as he would come down and cause a scene.  He often says that he would come down and lose my job in second for me. He tells the BPD carers his perspective of things and make them think I'm an evil person who cant control her feelings or anything.  I mean how many BPD people could stand someone coming up within 5 inches of their face screaming at them saying all these cruel things and then spitting in my face and I dont say a word- I'm too scared incase it gets him worse which I have learnt from past experience.  Sometimes he pushes me and pushes me for hours on end until finally I crack and then its " see - your crazy". I bet he doesnt tell the people how he talks  to me, what he says, everything in my life that he tries to control - what I wear, what I say, who I see and when and then he distorts things (I think) he will make me answer his questions with only a yes/ no answer and I end up admitting to things without realising when I havent even done them and when I try to argue that I didnt do that he says but when I asked you admitted it by answering those questions he says I manipulative when I try to argue the point but I think he is manipulating my answeers to suit him.  I cant say too much as I dont want him to recognise who I am because he would freak if he knew I was online. Its almost like he doesnt let me get the support and help I need as he is supposed to be my support??? and the only way to get it is to lie by omission and not tell him that I'm getting support on line but then its well your lieing your BPD they always lie.

Ultimately becuae of all this I'm in my late 40's and I have no idea who I really am as I have never ever in my entire life been ALLOWED to be me!

I guess another reason I dont leave is probably BPD issues but also I am fully aware that he may go over the edge and do something to me in the future but I guess I dont care enough about me to opt out and maybe I think down deep inside that I still deserve this as thats all I get told.

I really dont know what to do, for me right now I just need things to calm down so I can breathe and think.  I'm thinking of going to my gp and telling her what is happening and maybe they can hospitalise me for a day or two to give me some space and look at my meds too.  

I feel very alone and desperate for someone to take me away from all this but I know that wont happen as I have no one at all that I can even talk to. 

[pip]

Hi @Change123. As I mentioned in an earlier post. I left my hubby last year, I'm 65, and yes, I was TERRIFIED. There's not much your partner could do if he did discover you were posting, but putting that aside. If you were to leave: no1), the police would help you if you reported being scared of violence from him. 2), You could get a DVA against him. Put simply a DVA means if he comes within a certain distance, he stands a good chance of being arrested. Try to put aside your emotional attachment to him for the moment. What, if anything, are you gaining from remaining with him? You could temporarily place your dog with boarding kennels, R.S.P.C.A may also help out with temporary care for your dog, they have 'foster carers' where the dog would be placed till you are settled. I realize leaving and kick- starting again is scary, but I did it, you can too. I wasn't working, C'link helped me with deposit for the unit I now occupy. They arranged budgeting for me so they deducted my repayments before I got any money. They arranged everything for me. I was on Newstart, now full pensioner. My rent, and utility payments are all deducted before I receive my pension. I do have a car, I have a volunteer job, as I said, I'm 65, and better now than ever. Because of your BPD it's possible your Dr could also help you with medication. There is NO WAY you deserve anything except love, stability, respect. You are not getting anything from where you are. He doesn't deserve your consideration either. Unfortunately, you're the only one who can change your situation, I had to, you can too. Scary, but do-able and possible.

[Change123]

Thanks Pip, I am very aware of DVA but it would not help, he has told me in his bad states that he if I left and did that he would torch the house, do something to me and the dog and then he would do himself so he wouldn;t end up in jail!

Things took another turn last night, usually there are 2 blow ups one major and then one a bit smaller well the smaller one came last night.  I was totally keeping to myself cooking dinner and he storms into the kitchen slamming doors and when I look at him he says " dont look at me you filthy bitch you dont have the right to look at me"  and again the tirade went on at me for a while but not as bad.  Sometimes no joke he can go on at me for about 4-5 hours straight, the whole time coming within an inch of my face yelling, sometimes spitting at me in disgust and other times throwing things at me.

I took what I though was a big step again today only to be let down I feel.  I rang SANE and poured out my soul to them and all I got was " mmm"  " ahaaa"" " I see well its a very difficult situation and there is nothing we can do but if you need further support you can ring the womens help lime"  I just rang you to get that support and didnt get it and now its just been confirmed I AM TOTALLY ALONE IN ALL THIS, NO ONE WILL HELP ME!

I have no choice but to ride this out and see what happens and wait for the next time but I know I cant go on like this.  I'm at work currently and cant even focus on my job all I have done all day is write on forums and try to get some help.

[pip]

Hi @Change123. To begin with I am very sorry the SANE helpline was unable to assist you. Your partner is totally out of line in his treatment of you. Perhaps it's time you approached the police and explain you are living in fear. There are women's refuges where you could go. Also the dog could be placed in an animal's welfare refuge till you could relocate. If you took the dog and left, how could he harm you? If he torched the house, and survives, he's in trouble for arson. You need to get away from him. Your life is in danger, go to the police and ask them to put you in touch with the women's refuge. Tell them you are in constant danger. You are not alone, no-one is alone. but to get away, you will need help. You have choices, but you need to be aware of them. I had a friend years ago in a similar situation. She married the guy, but after 5 months of torture, she rang the police, they came and helped her get away. Her hubby played Mr Nice Guy. As they were leaving, he went ballistic. He was subsequently arrested, charged with assault, GBH, abusing the police in the natural course of their duty. I might add here, there were no visible signs of abuse on her, but the police helped her leave a dangerous situation. You are the only one who can do anything, the SANE forums can advise, support, guide, but ultimately, you have to make the decision. If it was me, I'd go, take the dog, go to the police tell them you're constantly afraid. I realize it's classed as 'domestic' but there are now laws against domestic violence.

[Appleblossom]

Learning to trust oneself is a gradual process.  It would be easier to re-establish yourself while you are in employment. Limit yourself to what is viable and sustainable in the now and as you take each step clarity will confirm the way forward.  I moved into a tiny unit with concrete box quite close to my ex as we only had one car and it was close to the children. Gradually things unfolded and made a few more decisions.  A couple of older ladies, one had been a principal in high school told me that I had done what was necessary and little moments like those helped confirm my choices.  Now 15 years on a lot of the pain and acrimony has subsided and my health and the children are doing well .. I do not regret leaving although I was a total physical and emotional wreck at the time.  We dont really know how things will pan out ... in the long run.

[Change123]

Thanks @pip and @Appleblossom

I appreciate the support!

Things have calmed down a fair bit, not talking but atleast calm.

I'm still very confused, my head is spinning.

Firstly I'm going to concentrate on me and clear my head.  I'm also on a coupleof BPD forums but I think I will take a break from that as I find I get triggered when I'm really stressed and whilst I love to help others I think I need some ME time.

Thank you all for your support it was really appreciated!

[Dogman]

Hi @Change123, 

I agree with @pip, you need to be seeing some, you need to see your doctor and get a refferral to see some one, your health is your number 1 priority right now and as @pip said maybe getting admitted and getting some good help and a good routine will help you see things in a better light. 

Dogman

[utopia]

@Change123. I don't believe his BPD is your fault at all or the cause of his aggression towards you.
Does he sleep in in the mornings when you leave for work? If so - make a plan.
Organise to meet someone nearby but away from your house to leave your dog with. As said by others - there are a number of dog pounds that have kennels and foster carers for accommodating your dog - when in an urgent crisis.
Just pretend your going to work as normal - but take the dog.
Pre arrange through a womans support group on where to go when you leave him. Often they will pick you up and drive you to a womans shelter.
What you are dealing with here is DV - emotional DV. It has nothing at all to do with your MI. Your MI might just make it that bit harder for you - emotionally - to break free from this man.
SANE can help you with regards to a Mental Health issue - but this really is a DV issue - which is probably why they refered you to a womens help service - as they would be the experts with DV.
However, still post here about your fears and frustrations and confusion. We - the Lived Experience members will try to help any way we can - always.
But I really encourage you to call a Womens DV line. My best friend did and she got out safely from her emotionally abusive husband. You can to.
Sending you hugs and support