Lived Experience Forum

[Doc_Gonzo]

Does anyone else live with this?

I study at uni part time, I work two jobs part time and am very successful at both and at the same time live with dissociation and manic and psychotic like symptoms. I have extraordinary amounts of energy at the moment and suffer from what I describe as disturbances. I have been hospitalised numerous times for psychosis and mania in the past and I have lived with the impact of complex trauma for more than 20 years. I have a long history with self harm and have many scars over my thighs and arms ( I haven't self harmed in many months :), so don't panic, that is under control)

I am very independent, I have had to be physically, financially and emotionally as I don't have anyone outside of my therapists office to offer valid genuine support. I am long term single, with almost no social life and in spite of all of this I manage to forge ahead. I always seem to bury myself in professional endeavours to the point of becoming nothing but a worker. I do have someone outside of my psychologist that is a good support, however they are also my boss and I fear for my job if I am too honest (not a fear of losing it, he would never ever stoop to that level, but the fear of people seeing my non-professional personality)

My mask and my shroud cover so much pain, grief and loss. People can see that I am struggling in some ways but I have suffered so much invalidation from people that I am unwilling to tell them how hard I find life. At the moment all I want to do is what I do best and just quit everything and dissappear off the radar (as in shut down and hide).

If I do talk to people then generally all I am met with is " but look at how much you have achieved" or " but you are doing so well" or " look at how far you have come".

I used to abuse pharmaceuticals to the point of pushing past LD50 on a range of substances as well as many other types of drugs.  I used to drink almost a litre of alcohol everyday. I used to be hospitalised (psychiatric) 2-3 times per year. It has been 10 years since I sobered up. and about 5 years since my last hospitalisation.

I live with body dismorphia and sever body image issues. Despite everything I do, I rarely feel anything but worthless.

I don't know what I wanted from this post, I guess I just wanted to put something out into the world that wasn't just me putting my mask and shroud on display.

[Kurra]

Hi @Doc_Gonzo

Your history sounds remarkably like my own withe the exception of self harm and body dysmorphia.

I lived my life in this manner for many years. I have however been completely open about my my bipolar 1 with psychotic features aka schizo-affective...... since diagnosis. This occurred when I was involuntarily hospitalised with catatonia.

Approximately 12 years following diagnosis I chose to do everything I possibly could to achieve remission. I have not been hospitalised since May 2004 and this is, I believe will remain so for the remainder of my life. I choose to be fully compliant with medication and all other treatments.

I believe the day I chose to take full responsibility for my own mental health was the beginning of my recovery. It has been a lot of hard work but certainly worth the effort. Three weeks I was told by my psychiatrist that m6 condition is inactive although I must remain vigilant because the vulnerability will always be there.

I wish you well on yout journey.

[GonePirate]

thanks for sharing first and foremost @Doc_Gonzo

i am Gone Pirate you might remember from such threads as music soothes the savage beast

*spoken in a troy mcleur voice

lots of what you have said has resonated with me and reminds me alot of myself

similar but different as i suppose all of us are

i am diagnosed bipolar type 1 and schizophreniform

that means well i have bipolar with mania and the schizophreniform means i get psychotic and or delusional times but not all the times

i self harmed from age 13 to 20

i used drugs like they were going out of fashion from 20 to 24

every single time i have worked i have excelled to the pain and detriment of myself

and i completely understand the mask wearing at work

there used to be so many pirates

work pirate

family pirate

father pirate

friend pirate

all different masks determining how i would act

then there was me just plain old me

but after years of hiding this me i knew not where or how to show it

release it even

life is a hard game i dont know how to pause it and turn the difficulty down either so i just keep playing

and time and time again like a running constant i too feel worhtless

so dont feel alone and keep posting

hoping you are well

[Doc_Gonzo]

I took charge of my mental health years ago. I take full responsibility for my actions and decisions, I am viewed as ahighly intelligent, incredibly skilled mental health worker and student.

I have been an outspoken mental health advocate for years. I have made more changes to my life, my thinking and my behaviours than anyone I know.

And yet...

I feel like i am chasing what I describe as 'the impossible golden carrot'. As in life keeps dangling this golden carrot in front of my face and if I just change one more thing about myself then I can have it. It alsways seems to come back to 'you have made massive changes Gonzo, however, you just need to change one more things' So i do, only to find out that now I need to change something else.

Monstrous changes, huge positive benefits in many ways, but all I have is a two selves. Professional self (visible), which most people see and then my emotional self (invisible). I am well known for my sense of humour, my intellect, my passion, the fact that I am unashamed of being an 'emotional' male. Yet there is still a whole other world that people have not seen. The lack of support available to help me undo these whopping great boundaries around me is infuriating.

I started seing another therapist as well as my psych, who was truly the most gifted therapist I have ever met (She is top of our referral list at work). We had 10 great sessions together under the underwhelmingly 'generous' government back mental health care plan. But then the sesions had run out and we had barely scratched the surface. I tried to negotiate seeing her privately as I really wanted to continue with my progress. However I don't earn enough to be able to afford seeing her privately as well as my current psych who I will be starting to see privately as well soon (I met through uni health and counselling so uni paid for it)

I have never been married, never had kids and I am old enough now that this is really starting to hurt!

I have tried online dating without ever landing a date. My friend and brother have both met all their partners online. The last time I tried I didn't even get a profile view (once again it comes back to something wrong with me cause I clearly put out all the wrong vibes). I have tried social/interest groups, skills groups and study and I have never made a long term friend out of these.

I seem to only attract people who want help, I worked on assertiveness and boundaries to stop myself from damaging myself in the pursuit of others happiness and that has helped, but now I feel like perhaps this is all I am good for. I describe myself as a tissue box (not to people, just a little metaphor I use to describe my problems with relationships), wipe your nose and me and throw me away.

If i set boundaries or refuse to help people, then I end up being the biggest arsehole on the face of the planet and so I withdraw and dissappear.

But still I work on changing beliefs, behaviours, knowledge and attitude. I just want to know when it will feel like it has been worth it!

[Former-Member]

Hey @Doc_Gonzo, I can relate to being highly functioning and simultaneously (silently) falling apart, although I fall apart in slightly different ways to you.

(edited because I felt I said too much, sorry)

[Doc_Gonzo]

I get that feeling of work being a safe space. My professional endeavours are what keep my moving forward. I also get that living in a 24/7 intellectual stimulation world. wouldn't it be sweet! nothing but valid honest dissemination and discussion all year round lol. Yeah right.

Congrats on your academic career, I hope to do a PhD one day. Just one more thing to change lol.

My work situation is very unstable and I am very concerned that I will lose my position with an organisation that has been incredibly supportive in regards to mine and others mental health. They openly employ peer workers in numerous positions and go out of their way to support them when they get wobbly. I haven't had this before and it all feels like a bit of a tease once a gain. Like this is how life for me could be if things went my way, however they probably won't so best of luck in your next role.

[Doc_Gonzo]

Thank you to everyone who has posted so far. It is nice to be able to put this stuff out there. Like many of you I tak and 'and' not 'but' approach to life as in highly functional and higly distressed and sometimes it just really gets to me.

Because it would be nice to feel more emotionally secure within my world. I am not one for hope and yet I am one for carrying on regardless and sometimes I like to grumble and groan as I do 🙂

[Appleblossom]

I really like your sign off @Doc_Gonzo

"breathe deeply move deliberately"

May I adopt it?

I have always tried to take responsibility for my mental health, but it hasnt always been ideal.  There are many times it just gets the better of me.  I havent had fancy diagnoses ye beyond severe major depression in about 1988, have another referral for another psychiatrist ... but they dont usually want to see me for long.

This week I started with psychologist and put my situation out .. she responded with "you are surrounded by a lot of people with schizophrenia".  I said "I am mad as a hatter", and am no better than them.  She pushed but "you cant be both psychotic and functional".  My response was that I just had avoided being picked up by police or ambos.  I have often said to myself about mental illness ... forewarned is forearmed ...

Yes I suffer from severe distress and an ability to function. 

Unfortunately it is my children that see my least functioning side.  Not because I dont love or care for them  ... but it is just not possible to mask my distress 24/7.

I am glad you have posted and my hope is that activism and increased support networks at all levels grow. 

[Mazarita]

Hi @Doc_Gonzo,

Although I haven't posted so far, I have followed this thread since you wrote your first entry. I really feel for your predicament but didn't feel I had anything to say in response until now. It's great to see you have had so many supportive responses since first posting.

Before I comment, I might let you know that I am not very 'functional' at all, having struggled for years with the 'shut down and hidden' syndrome. Fortunately things have looked up in the past year since I arrived on this forum, though I am still very far from the level of achievement you describe and probably never will be anywhere near it in my life. However, I have found some level of contentment in my life regardless of my poor performance by most standards, thanks in part to medications for my bipolar, to doctors, therapists and support workers like yourself, to meditation and philosophical approaches to life, and to finding meaning in creativity.

One thing that has stuck in my mind about one of your earlier posts was when you said this:

"I feel like i am chasing what I describe as 'the impossible golden carrot'. As in life keeps dangling this golden carrot in front of my face and if I just change one more thing about myself then I can have it. It always seems to come back to 'you have made massive changes Gonzo, however, you just need to change one more thing.' So I do, only to find out that now I need to change something else."

I wonder if there is a driven kind of perfectionism in the equation for you. As in, it may be impossible to find any contentment in the good things in your life because you may be searching endlessly for an impossibly perfect ideal of wellbeing or life performance? I could imagine that working in the field of mental health could give rise to something like this, given that there are so many different ways to measure wellbeing that exist in different therapies and support structures. It's possible that in some circumstances, these yardsticks may become counter-productive. I relate to perfectionism myself though it manifests in me differently, focussing more on one specific area of my life (creative output). I may be completely off beam with all this in relation to you, of course, and it's possible that in saying this I may also be just adding another thing to change about yourself. If so, please just ignore what I'm saying.

But I do hope that you can take some heart in getting feedback from a number of different people here now who are not coming to you for support but rather wanting to help in some way with a situation that seems very painful for you. Kindest wishes.

[Doc_Gonzo]

@Former-Member, that's okay, there is nothing to be sorry about. Nothing wrong with editing your tracks. No one should ever share anything more than they feel comfortable with.