Lived Experience Forum

[crimsonkitten]

Ok, so i'm new here but not new to mental health problems.

I have a diagnosis of PTSD and Bipolar disorder - and have had several hospital admissions the past few years, ive recently got a new psychologist (who is great) and my GP and psychiatrist i'm pretty happy with.

Lately i've been opening up to friends and significant others in my life, and i found it hard but rewarding, its just lately ive been feeling down, and people are being supportive which is good, but they're getting worried and i dont know how to put their mind at ease when i know i'm not doing too well at the moment.

It just feels like i'm going to drive them away by a) being too needy and burning them out, b) pushing them away, c) be dishonest and tell them i'm alright, when i'm not.

I dont want to become reliant on other people, and i definitely need to change my pattern, i just want to be independant - but everything feels like its falling apart, i dont know if i'm doing too much or not enough. I'm not out of control, i just feel detached and numb, overwhelmed and frankly - so over it.

I'm stuck in a place where i dont want to burden people, i dont want to push them away and i dont really want to admit i'm not coping because there's life events stressing the family out already. It's just all so much that i dont want to get out of bed anymore and scary because i know if i dont, my work, my study, my family, my friends... it's all getting away without me.

I've been taking time off work, but i dont know if withdrawing is the most sensible thing, i just dont feel capable at the moment.

Am I alone? how do people cope with this kind of thing? any suggestions?

[Kurra]

Hi @crimsonkitten
I've found going to work really helps me. If I take time off work I become increasingly withdrawn and my depression becomes worse. At least at work I have distractions and less time to think about things that don't really help me. It also means I'm mixing with people and that helps me to feel just a little better than I would hiding away from the world in my bed.

I too am fiercely independent but allowing other people to help when the going is tough is a strength not a weakness. Are you getting any help from your GP? Do you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist?

[crimsonkitten]

Thank you, I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist, my psychiatrist is away at the moment and I feel like I'm being too needy if I contact my psychologist too often. Work is a tricky place at the moment because my team leader at work is going to be changing soon, and because of my hospital visits of late, my leave is really high. I just don't feel like building a new working relationship either. It is all just so hard at the moment. Feels like either way is going to be hard to do.

[Kurra]

Hi @crimsonkitten

I know my psychologist prefers me to contact him when I'm needy
It's easier for him to assist me if I contact him early rather than waiting for the crisis point to smack me in the teeth. It also means I can get on top of things more quickly too.
Have a good day. Make it the best that you can.

[NikNik]

Hi @crimsonkitten

I was going to post and ask how you're going, but I just found your post in Recovery Wins and was thrilled to see the big step you're taking 🙂

Awesome news!

[crimsonkitten]

Hi @NikNik

I've been very all over the place at the moment. It's hard to see that things might get better. I'm dealing with the concept that I will have to live with some form of mental illness for the rest of my life and that's making me question if I can do it or not.

I feel obligated to try, which is really really irritating me and I'm putting my problems to the side with my closest supports, my mum and dad because we have so much going on at the moment. I feel like a burden but at the same time I know that they would be devastated if I took my life, so I feel stuck.

So it's very up and down inside my down mood at the moment, I have times when I think clearly and other times where I have had to call crisis lines to keep safe. But I'm still safe, which is so difficult.

[NikNik]

@crimsonkitten

You're such a thoughtful daughter - I'm sure your parents would want to know if they can support you - but I understand where you are coming from.

At times like this, can you lean on your GP, psychologist and/or psychiatrist during times like this?