Lived Experience Forum

[Lch86238]

Good evening,

I don’t really know where to start. I found this forum while I was browsing the Internet today and spent quite a bit of time reading the articles in it.

I also don’t know if it’s a very good idea to write something in here, as I’m not diagnosed with any mental illness at all, but I thought it might be worth a try (If this is the wrong place to post something like this, just let me know). I’m a female in my mid-twenties and originally from a not English speaking country in Europe, so please excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes I’m making…

The reason why I was browsing this website was that I recently started thinking that something’s going seriously wrong in my life. The past few years everything has been very good for me, but I have to start at the beginning I guess…

So when I was 12 years old my mum tried to commit suicide. She survived, got diagnosed with depression, was put on medication and got therapy. It all started then. One evening my dad, who I was never really going along with too well, openly blamed me for it. He told 12 year old me in my face that it was my fault. I didn’t understand what was going on or why, I just remember one thought I had that night: “I will never forget this and never forgive him for blaming me”.

I started harming myself a lot, nobody ever found out apart from one of my closest friends, he was the only person I could ever talk to about it and that made it a lot easier for me.

At the same time I started hanging out with the wrong kind of people, started drinking (not excessively though), had my first boyfriend who was 5 years older than me and was doing things with him I shouldn’t have done at that age. Sometimes he even made me do things I didn’t want to do. I made a lot of bad experiences with these people and got disappointed so many times, I just somehow couldn’t see that they were bad for me at that point. I lost quite a few of my other good friends because of them but I couldn’t really figure out who I wanted to be friends with somehow.

2 years later my mum was in a very bad way again, and made another (unsuccessful) suicide attempt. The relationship with my parents by then was so bad that I just tried to ignore what happened. We didn’t talk about it, at all. One of my mum’s psychotherapists was talking to all of us once, but I think she didn’t realise how much everything that was going on was hurting me. And I have always been pretty good at pretending I was fine. I never used to talk about my own troubles with people.

All in all – why shouldn’t I be fine: I had friends, was exceptionally good at school, had the best perspectives for my future blabla…

There were times when I swore after finishing high school I would go studying somewhere far away from home, having an apartment for myself just so I can harm myself without the risk of anybody finding out.

Things started to change for me though, I found the best partner in the world, I never stopped harming myself though, it just didn’t happen as often any more. My partner found out and tried to talk to me about it a few times, but eventually stopped because I told him I was fine and I was seeing somebody about it (which was a lie, I have never ever seen anybody about it…). After 5 years we broke up, not because of that, just because the relationship wasn’t working properly any more I think.

Funny enough it didn’t really make things worse for me at the time, only the first few weeks were hard.

At that time I didn’t have too many friends because it somehow got harder for me to make new friends and also maintain these friendships. I don’t know why, but my social skills somehow just vanished. Every time I would make a new friend I would do or say stupid things to ruin it or get mad at them just because they didn’t have time to hang out all the time or whatever else. Furthermore a lot of my friends at the time were actually my ex’s friends, so I didn’t really have contact with them anymore because I just couldn’t trust them.

I had finished uni by then and decided it was time for a change – I ended up coming to Australia where I have been for about two years now and where I’m most probably staying for another while.

The relationship between me and my parents only got worse and worse. By now they think I don’t care about them at all and there are indeed times when I really hate them. But at other times I just want to call home and apologize and tell them I love them.

What is really upsetting me at the moment is my own behaviour, I don’t know what’s wrong with me!

I started having casual sex or one night stands with a few of different men, some of them I hadn’t even met before. One of my good friends is cheating on his girlfriend with me and somehow I don’t even care what makes me feel even worse. At the same time I push everything that looks the slightest bit serious away. I tell everybody I don’t want another boyfriend at all, but at night I sit at home alone and cry myself to sleep because I just want somebody to trust and to talk with.

I’m still horrible at making new friends because I’m always caught somewhere between idealising them/getting to attached and mistrusting them.

I drink way too much on the weekends and behave like I was 18 again. Then I’m shattered during the week and start harming myself. I even thought about trying drugs but didn’t go that far because it’s simply madness…

There are days when I miss the few good friends I had back home so much. I just don’t have anybody over here I can really trust, and it makes life hard sometimes. Then I try to talk to the friends I got here but I just don’t want to bother them with it.

I know exactly I shouldn’t be doing what I think is wrong, but I just can’t help it somehow. It’s got a lot to do with the people I’m hanging out with as well I think, I just always want to fit in. I somehow don’t even know what sort of person I want to be any more.

At this stage, where I have achieved so many things in life I always wanted to achieve, I just don’t understand why I’m feeling so bad again at times.

It just seems to be getting worse and worse and I don’t have anybody to talk to about it, this is why I’m here I think.

Well, that was a long story and I just re-read it and don’t even know what to think about it myself. On the one hand it maybe sounds worse than it is, on the other hand I’m afraid I still left a lot of things out I just don’t want to tell.

Well, just tell me what you think about it and what you think I could/should do…

Thank you so much and good night!

[Mazarita]

Welcome to the forum, @Lch86238,

Many of us here will identify with some of what you have described. I have had problems with excessive alchohol in the past (and other substances in my case), self-destructive sexual behaviour and childhood trauma, among other things. Some other forum members struggle with self-harm. Most of us here will recognise when our feelings, thoughts and behaviours are unhelpful or damaging but may nonetheless be unable to help ourselves without support from outside. This forum is a good place to start and there's no need to be 'officially' diagnosed to be here.

What you have described is a difficult journey so far in life and, from my point of view, it's not surprising that you might be struggling. It may be of assistance to you to consider seeing a mental health worker to get some professional help with what you are going through. I suggest a next step in doing this might be to go to a GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist. If you find this prospect too daunting at present, you might instead be interested in community organisations that run support groups for people struggling with mental health. Finding one of these would involve doing some web searches in your local area. Even if you do none of these things, participating in this forum may be of assistance to you.

Despite all you have been through in the past and are going through now, it's great to hear that you have achieved so many things in life. To me, that shows great strength and determination. Sending best wishes to you for improvements in your wellbeing now and in the future.

[Sahara]

Hi @Lch86238,

I agree with @Mazarita, you are a very strong person who has made some good choices in life, even though you have had many set-backs. 

I think it is really amazing to be able to come to this country by yourself and learn English so well as you have. Don't worry, your grammar would probably put mine to shame. 

I am no expert, but I think you have some trouble forming relationships and trusting people. I am like this myself. It's something that can be worked on and you can make progress, but I think you do need some help to begin to change.

It might be good to just contribute to SANE for a while and get used to talking about your issues and relating to others here in a safe place. Or you might like to see a professional counsellor to talk to someone face to face. It can be an enormous relief to actually talk openly to someone who has heard these type of problems many times before and who has the ability to understand them.

I was always very reluctant to talk about my mental health issues with my friends as I thought they would judge me harshly- but this has not been the case, I'm glad to say. Most people are caring and understanding.

If you feel the need to tell your parents that you love them, then that is perfectly fine. It does not then mean that you have to rush back to them and see them. You can maintain your distance from them while you heal.  Even just send them a postcard every month or so to say 'hello.' 

As for drinking too much and having casual sex - well many of us have been there and done the same thing. It's how it makes you feel that counts. If you feel like you are having regets and that your drinking is making you more unstable then you might like to cut down. 

I hope you can write back and tell us how you are doing... 

hugs to you. 

[Lch86238]

Thank you so much @Mazarita and @Sahara for your kind words.

As to seeing a doctor or counsellor I think I'm way too nervous about talking about my issues to people. It already took me a lot to even post something here, in total anonymity. I'm almost paranoid of people I know finding out about all this, it might be silly, but I'm way too afraid of being thought of as weak or in need of help. I always had to go my own ways to achieve things and it's very hard for me to ask for help even with everyday things... If things get worse it might be the only chance I have, but until then I think I'll just wait and see.

With all the drinking and/or casual (or not so casual) sex: it always seems like a great idea at the time, but I feel awful about it the days after. It almost always ends up in a few days of feeling almost guilty and self harming behaviour. It might even be the worst trigger for it at the moment.
I just can't not do it somehow.
I always think it might help with forgetting all my troubles for a while, but I'm not a person who blacks out or loses control when I drink. That's why the thoughts about trying other substances came up. Another thing that did not help at all was that I recently suffered a major injury and got put on very strong pain medication for about two weeks. I could feel it making me worry less and even though I have been off it for a while now, I still wish I could go back to it.
I just hope I can keep myself from doing such a thing, as I'm a very addictive personality and I know it wouldn't end well.

I hope staying in touch with this community and reading about how other members are coping with their struggles will help a bit.
Reading the two responses already made me feel a bit better, as I always thought I might just be overreacting about things.

Thank you again!

[Sahara]

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Lch86238 wrote:
Thank you so much @Mazarita and @Sahara for your kind words.

As to seeing a doctor or counsellor I think I'm way too nervous about talking about my issues to people. It already took me a lot to even post something here, in total anonymity. I'm almost paranoid of people I know finding out about all this, it might be silly, but I'm way too afraid of being thought of as weak or in need of help. I always had to go my own ways to achieve things and it's very hard for me to ask for help even with everyday things... If things get worse it might be the only chance I have, but until then I think I'll just wait and see.

Hi @Lch86238,

I used to be a lot like you.... I was adamant that I didn't really need help and thought that getting help would mean that there was something really wrong with me and I felt ashamed. When I first started going to see a counsellor, I told no-one about it, not even my then partner.

But it was such a big relief to finally talk to a professional! 

I had got to the point where I just suppressed all my emotions, all of the time. I did that from the time I was very, very young until I was 35 years old. It took a major effort, as you can imagine. I was exhausted.

I also self-medicated with alcohol and cannabis and I put on a front, even with my friends. I would smile and laugh and pretend I was happy all the time. Again; it was exhausting.

Underneath, I was very depressed, very uncertain and afraid. I did not even know who I was and I did not believe it even mattered. It's unbelievable to think of this now; but that is how I was.

Give yourself permission to accept where you are and who you are - all of it. You will feel a bit better even with this one step.

hugs.

[MoonGal]

Hi @Lch86238, so much of what you described in your post rings true for me as someone who is struggling with a number of issues that may well be helped by talking to a counsellor/psychologist.

I resisted help for a very long time, and when I finally got there I found there were some very sound and helpful ways of thinking that helped me enourmously. 

Self-harm in anyway is something that is indicative that things are not right for you. Your explanation of being blamed for your Mum's suicide attempt made me want to cry... I am so sorry that happened to you.

Many of our mental health issues are genetic - some people have a genetic legacy that through good luck or good management never get swtiched 'on' but trauma can switch us over - and if your Mum struggles with depression, perhaps you may also have inherited that trait.

You asked "Do I need help?" and when someone said - perhaps seek some help - you said "no" - I wonder if you asking the question is already the answer... If we had a car that needed fixing, we would take it to the mechanic so it ran better, or if a beloved childm cat or dog was not well we would seek help immeditely.  Yet when it comes to ourselves we might avoid seeking help... it is understandable that we do not want people (anyone!) to know the whole of it, but you are in charge of what you tell and what you choose not to. Help comes when we open ourselves to it. I hope you might find someone to talk to and help carry the load.

I love @Mazarita and @Sahara's responses too 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Lch86238

I have also felt I was an addictive personality and had substance use and promiscuity when I was young.

You have been very strong to continue with your study after having been exposed to a suicide attempt by your mother.  Its tragic for her and for you .. no blame attached ... but certainly a thing that is worth discussing with a professional. 

Stigma about receiving counselling has changed a lot. Nowadays organisations demand that counselling be provided in traumatic situations.  You have had trauma to deal with and are trying to work your through relationship issues.  A psychologist is probably best to see.  Talk to the GP simply.  Say you heard that it is possible to get a few sessions to talk about relationship issues, mention your mum's suicide attempts and be vague about the other issues.  It is probably enough for them to refer you to counselling with a psychologist.  Then it is up to the psychologist to develop enought trust over a few sessions with you ... for to open up about your own self harm.  Its a complicated world we live in .. and talking things over doesnt hurt.

I am glad you like our forum and hope it continues to be helpful.

Regarding promiscuity and affairs .. and values and spontaneity and sex ..  it can be so tricky when we are young to work out these things out.  If you are crying and not happy it is much better to get help than ignore it.  My little sister had a lot of difficulty getting away from a relationship with a married man as he was getting the best of both worlds .. in the end she did get away from him but it was hard ..... you have to find your own way.