Lived Experience Forum

[believeinme]

So I've had meds of various sorts, docs, therapists, ECT, hospitalisation, employment, unemployment, colouring therapy, mindfulness, arts/crafts, journaling, exercise just to name a few.  I'm losing what remaining hope I had, and it's becoming more than I can bear.  Yesterday Lifeline suggested just having a cuppa tea and a warm bath.  Oh, that's so that's a sweet idea. Making a hot cuppa tea is a delightful way to counteract my intense, deep and serious feelings of wanting to be forever non-existent. *sheesh*  I feel that all the places I've come across to help are patch-meal.  I need a better plan than someone on a keyboard or in a call centre telling to not off myself because I have tea in the kitchen.  Oooh yipee.  

I don't know what the point is.  I've been an absolute leach on my family and society, and I can't even find the most simple of jobs to start making a contribution again.  I can't seem to trust myself in the simplest of tasks (like sending a work-related email) because my confidence is blown.  Most of all, the majority of people (like my family and daycare drop-off) need me to just be smiley so I play pretend a few hours a day.  I'm losing the ability to play pretend.  I don't give two f*cks anymore about myself.  It scares me that I don't, but I don't.  I know my attitude is shot, but I hope you can forgive me.  

[Mosaic]

Hi @believeinme sorry to hear how much you're struggling at the moment. It can be really frustrating when the person you're speaking to offers that 'stock-standard' advice that just doesn't sit right and feels unhelpful. I really think people who are feeling suicidal need to come up with their own strategies, it makes it that much easier to implement those strategies when you're feeling low. A great tool for this is the BeyondNow safety plan app. Not sure if you've heard of it as it's a relatively new tool that Beyond Blue has developed. Some of our fellow members here have found it very helpful.

Keep in mind that helplines obviously comprise a diverse array of staff and volunteers from a multitude of backgrounds, many often have a lived experience themselves. So calling again you'll almost certainly get onto a completely different person who you might prefer, and get more out of the call. I understand it can be discouraging, but I really encourage you to try again if you continue to feel low today. Here is the number for sucide call back service if you'd like to give a different service a try as well.

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or online chat (available 24/7)

It sounds like you're sick of pretending and just want somewhere where you don't have to do that. I'm glad you found us here, please know that as a community we care about you. I hope you will come to feel welcome and safe here to just be yourself - you are among friends 🙂 

[utopia]

Hi @believeinme. Sorry to hear you are stuck in that self negative talk phase.
It seems it's not just one thing, but everything making you feel like this.
Do have a counselor you talk to? Or your gp.
It sounds like you really need timevout for you right now. Time to clear those thoughts and feel stronger again.
Do you think a stay at hospital may help you?
What about a temporary measure of punching the stuffing out of a pillow - or screaming into the pillow. Yell and punch it. Tell it what you want fixed. Tell it how this is not the life you wantvto lead. TELL IT what you want in your life & then go and write it down. What will help you get that life you deserve. Medication. Meditation. Psycholigist or psychiatrist. Hospital. Going to your favoutite place. Taking time out.
I hope some of these ideas help you. Other forum members may have other advice or words to share.
All the best

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @believeinme

I'm glad you found us here too.  There are many people on this forum who have expressed similar thoughts and feelings as what you just have, and it might help you to feel not so alone.

While I don't have ready answers for you, I do support the suggestions @Mosaic has offered you in particular (hi @Mosaic 😊) and the Mods here are really great ..... if you rest with us here awhile, and find your way around the site a bit, I hope you feel you are in company that understands how you are feeling and can offer empathy and support ideas .... hopefully you will start to renew your strength and a sense of belonging.

I will tag you from the "Writing as a Form of Therapy" thread, if you want to take a look at the poems there .... many of them are an unstructured pouring out of thoughts and feeling.  Not a "have-to" by any means .... just an offer if you like ....

F&H

[Mazarita]

@believeinme,

I have bipolar but the overall ground tone of it has been at the depressive end of the spectrum. I've been struggling with this feeling of deep emotional undertow ever since I can remember. Recently I've slumped back into seriously depressive behaviours again, like not leaving the flat, sleeping huge amounts, not showering, eating mostly breakfast cereal and toast. Like you, I've had a lifetime of trying various things and feel like no sustainable momentum ever really develops from my various efforts to improve myself.

I don't think psychiatry or psychology has the answers to these things. What they are offering is some attempt at alleviating our symptoms, even if these things are only partially helpful some of the time. Ultimately I think we have to live the reality that we have chronic illness that has no cure, as many people with physical illnesses that go on and on have to accept this reality too. And then do the best we can with it, taking support that's offered for whatever it might be worth.

The main thing I would suggest is to try being kinder to yourself with the way you think about your situation. Thinking of ourselves as leaches because we are ill is just not helping anything. Worrying about contributions we can't make because we are limited by illness, the same. Loving our family enough to 'play pretend' some of the time may be a real contribution. I'm sure all of us here forgive you for your attitude of not giving two f*cks about yourself at present, but could you try to do that too? Hope fails us at times and at these times maybe the best we can do is just keep breathing.

[believeinme]

I just wanted to say that I'm alive and thank you for writing to me. That's about all the energy I have right now.     

[utopia]

That's more than enough. We just wanted to be sure you are safe. Hope to hear from you later @believeinme

[believeinme]

@Mazarita and @utopia  What you said resonated with me.  Thank you to you and the others for writing.  It's nice to know that you are all out there.  

I have been in bed for days.  I don't know why I'm out of bed not except that I can't be in there any longer.  I had to go to a funeral today for a family friend.  I wasn't going to go, but I MADE myself go for my partner.  At least crying and such is okay at a funeral so I fit in okay.  Being at a funeral is better than being around normal people that expect you to be peppy and full of life. I wanted to sob, but I contained myself.

I'm still scared of this depression.  I've been calling lifeline heaps, and they are mostly kind-enough-but-not-that-helpful in their 20 minute call quota.  I'm assuming that's how long I'm allotted.  Twenty minutes is the point in the calls that they get antsy and start recommending I get a cuppa tea and to get off the phone but call back in an hour if I still need help.  It's irritating and impersonal.  Oh well, it is exactly what it is.  There is no point.  

There's really not anything anyone or anything can do to help the pain.  I'm just trying to do my time.  

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @believeinme

Please don't feel you need to answer if this is too personal a question, but have you received a diagnosis from any of the therapists you have visited ?  

I am asking in the hope that you can find some solace in the company of other people who are struggling with similar issues or life circumstances ..... at least there is a base understanding and empathy regarding the source of your pain, and the symptoms or limitations you are struggling with, including but perhaps not limited to the depression.

I am glad you have continued to post .... you are not alone.  It can be difficult on partners as well, so this is somewhere else you can talk with anonymity if you feel it helps ....

Take care 

🌷

[utopia]

G'day @believeinme. Well done for getting out of bed. Not the easiest thing to do - I know. & how great that you found the strength to support your partner and go to the funeral.
Are you currently taking medication for your depression? Or are you seeing a counselor at all? I ask because Life Line can help during a short crisis (duration of the call) & direct you to other sources of help.
I've got a great psychologist that I see. He has beeb so helpful and supportive. As I've gotten stronger, he pushes harder for me to dig down to my feelings or past feelings. He is the kibd of help I really need at this point in my life.
I'm no longer stuck in bed. I'm able to shower and do jobs around the house. I don't cry very often - probably because I don't react to my triggers any more (or very rarely). I'm feeling strong. I hope to re-join the work force in a few months.
This is what I wish for you. To start feeling stronger. Less depressed. Able to do more things that actually bring you joy. It can happen. I think it will happen faster though, if you have some professional help along the way.
Sending you good wishes