Lived Experience Forum

[Tryinghardto]

Hi Everyone. I suffer from clinical depression and ocd and have done for many many years. Am on medication and have the normal ups and downs. But lately things have got much worse. I have been in a relationship with a man for the past five years. I love him dearly and he loves me. The problem being is teenage daughter and his ex. They have been very manipulative and I am no longer welcome at his house if his daughter is there and he will not answer my calls or communicate with me if his daughter is around. She hates me and her mother has encouraged that. Anyway I have dealt with this and have finally decided that I can no longer tolerate living like this. I feel the relationship is toxic. I have told him it is over. He has promised to try his hardest to fix this but I have heard it all before. My first relationship was with the man I married and lasted twenty years and I have two beautiful children. Ages 25 and 18. This was my third relationship. At the moment I am trying to deal with this loss. I am so scared and anxious. I dont want to be alone with my scarey thoughts and feelings. I am terrified of being unhappy for ever and really dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. I turn fifty at the end of the year and just see years of unhappiness and lonliness ahead of me. Can anyone help me with some good advice and tell me what worked best for them. My son lives interstate and my daughter is studying uni and not home that often.

[Kurra]

That's a big load you're carrting @Tryinghardto. Feeling the way you are at the moment is to be expected as you are mourning these losses.

Can you think of something you enjoy to help you over this huge hurdle? If the weather is nice where you are could you go for a wander down the street to your favourite coffee shop? I've found that it helps me to get away from my home so that I'm around other people. It doesn't necessarily change how I'm feeling but it does work as a distraction for me.

I'm pleased you found us on the SANE forum. There's a number of members here who have also had experiences similar to yours.
Keep talking to us. We can be a very chatty mob but you'll find kindness, understanding and caring people who will be only too happy to help you as much as possible. Hugzzz

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tryinghardto,

Welcome to the forums. I have some similar life experiences to you and don't really have any answers but can just share my experiences. I've now been on my own for three years after being codependent on my last partner for a long time. I have Dependent Personality Disorder which really means being on my own is quite difficult. I really want to be ok in my own skin before I have another relationship.

For now I experience depression periods where I sink to the very bottom weekly. I was so petrified thinking I would never find love again. These days it doesn't really take up much of my thinking because I have to try very hard to just focus on each day as it comes. Once I get caught up in thinking about the future I'm a complete mess and suicidal thoughts take over. I would recommend just concentrating on each day as it comes. As time has gone by I don't crave that elusive relationship like I once did. There are a few patches where I feel alone but in all seriousness I'm not in a place where I could deal with another relationship. Just trying to live is a full time job for me. I do have adult children and one teenager living with me still but they are all very independent

I can understand how very difficult your current relationship is. Step relationships are really tricky at the best of times but when you are totally excluded it must make it difficult. I think that you just need to look after you the best way you can. If this is ending this relationship then do it to take care of you. If it is looking after you by staying and finding other solutions to take the pressure off you then that sounds like a good idea too. I guess the main focus is finding what will work for you to help keep the depression to a minimum.  I can also tell you from experience love isn't always enough for a relationship to survive. I would recommend just finding things that help pass the time that give you a sense of achievement or fulfilment. I think for me when I realised that I could reinvent myself took a bit of pressure off. Having said that for me this is a very long difficult process (I just didn't want to sugar coat that part). 

I wish you all the best. Here if you need an ear. Take care💜😊

[Tryinghardto]

Wow. Thank you SO MUCH for your replies and wonderful feedback. I felt so teary reading the replies knowing that other people have gone through the same thing.. I have been in realtionships before but  it had always been "me and the kids" and then "him". Now the kids are grown up and I really am on my own. I like the way that it was explained to feel secure in oneself before getting involved in another relationship. . I think that is so wise. I may do the same. Perhaps I have been too co dependent too. I will try going out to the local coffee shop. Will also try walking and also planning on visiting our local Neighbour Hood House to see what I can get involved in. . I understand what you mean about working full time to live. That is kinda how I am too. Just trying to achieve one small thing each day whether it be preparing tea for myself (( something other then toast) or putting washing on the line. I also do patchwork and quilting and am planning on doing a little more of this. Any other advise I would be more than willing to take on. Thank you again so much for making me feel welcome in this group and most importantly....HUMAN. 🙂

[Connect2uplift]

Taking one day at a time and reaching out to a good  friend can really help. 

[Tryinghardto]

Have been pretending that all is fine. That my partner(!!!???) is fixing things with his daughter before fixing things with me. Just had a horrible phone conversatio where reality has set in. His way of sorting things out is not admitting to his daughter that he is seeing me again and that he loves me. He seems to want her ok first. She is almost 19 and has a very unhealthy mindset and upbringing. I now realise that this "sorting things out is not happending and I really need to move on. The point being I am finding it really hard to be by myself (maybe I am co dependant too). and feel anxious and sometimes suicidal.

Teej you mentioned you have been there and are still dealing with this. I need your help with this because my future is so helpless and futile. I really dont want to do this anymore. Just getting out of bed is hard and then I have to try not phoning him to "make things better" . Stuff is going around and around in my mind. Do I post this stuff publically or email one on one. Really really struggling. Please help me..........

[JoseJones]

@Tryinghardto,

Sounds like the phone call you just had has had a really jolting effect on you, and it has put you in an emotional place that is really raw and overwhelming.  I'm sure many on this forum know how hard it is when you have stuff going around and around in your head.

Are there people you turn to for support in circumstances in this?

Whfit from the support you can get from others, ile this forum is a good place to share your experiences and benefit from hearing from othres, we are also not a crisis service.  If you're really feeling down or unsafe, it might be a good idea to give one of these services a call.

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

What sort of distraction strategies do you use in situations like this?  Maybe even listening to your favourite music might ease the burden a little bit

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tryinghardto,

it was three years ago for me and things happened a bit more slowly in that there wasn't a clean break. I was receiving lots of counselling and still am. I don't know if you've looked up co-dependent, there is quite a bit of information about it. I'm not sure if you feel like me and I've moved a slight step forward but the hardest part for me was not having an identity because my identity was worrying about him and passifying him constantly. I'll give you hope by telling you that I'm finding it hard to remember what it was like at that point when it was finally over which was my choice. Please know my situation was complex and different to yours. Basically I ended up in a psych ward because I had attempted suicide. The psychiatrist there talked me into moving out on my own with a couple of my kids. It happened in a whirlwind and I left the psych ward to start a new life living on my own but my ex and I kept in contact everyday for quite a while. I then had the support of a social worker and my therapist and GP. I was put on a high dose of antidepressants. I guess like you it took a few months to realise that things were never going to change and that he wasn't going to take responsibility for his actions which is a bit like you. It was at that point I started to cut most contact but as one of my kids was still living with him...step dad....I had to still have contact.

The next phase for me was trying to find an identity as I was lost and out of control. This part of my life has been very erratic and I was then diagnosed as having BPD at first as I wasn't coping with my emotions and ending up in hospital a lot (every 4-6 weeks). Through this my therapist had been trying to sell me the idea that it could be wonderful to invent myself and create a new identity but I didn't really buy it because I was still hooked on trying to work out how to get my old life back. After I didn't improve for another 12 months I was then diagnosed with DPD with BPD traits depression and anxiety. 

As I said in my last post I am now slowly embracing the concept that I can create a new identity. I have gained so much support and acceptance on the forum that has helped with this. BUT I'm still a long way from that and each week has its challenges. 

I wrote all this to say that it may be a really long process like mine or it may be something that happens for you much quicker. I'm not sure what professional help you have but I think that has been essential for me to have that. Secondly I guess you can decide whether to leave quickly or slowly. It seems to me from an outsider that you need some strategies to help with cutting contact. I would suggest not putting so much pressure on yourself. Maybe say things like I'm just not going to ring him today but if I do tomorrow that's ok. If that works you can say I'm just not going to ring him for 2 days and then if I need I will. I would also maybe try to treat yourself with something if you don't ring him, maybe a coffee out or something that's ok, gets you out the house and feels ok. 

In the meantime I'm happy to be here to help you through. If you want to get hold of me the quickest way for me to respond is to type my name with an @ infront as in @Former-Member then I receive an email notifying me that you've posted to me. Unfortunately there is no capacity to email privately through this forum but you can post here and continue this conversation. 

Also if you are feeling like you can't cope at all tonight please call the crisis lines @JoseJones posted. I use them still when I'm very distressed. 

Take care @Tryinghardto and please post back if you have more questions or just want to chat. 💜😊

[Tryinghardto]

Hi.  Feeling a little better this morning. Bit of a rough night. Took some a tablet to  calm a bit.

This morning feeling ok but a little unsettled. I know the best thing is for me to look after myself. I like your idea Teej of the phone calls. About not ringing today but if I want to tomorrow then thats ok. I like this idea. I find that, like you, if I think ahead to tomorrow or a day during the week or sometimes even this afternoon that I feel panic and anxiety. So, just like you said, it is one moment at a time. This relationship has been ongoing for almost five years. The first six months were wonderful but then things started to deteriate afterthat. I have had three years of councelling and have been told that I am ok. That the problems in this relationship or more to do with him and his decisions with his daughter and ex and probably would be best if I let it all go. Thats where I feel that I am somewhat co dependent on him. I did read up on this and do recogise some of the symptoms. RIght now I plan to do my dishes from the past few days and listen to some relaxing music. After that, who knows. I will keep in contact with you because I think that this will help. I thank you again from the bottom of my heart and hope that oneday I can help others in the same way.

[Former-Member]

HI @Tryinghardto, I'm sorry I havent posted earlier. My mental health deteriated a fair bit and spent a few days in hospital. I was just wondering how you are going with everything. I hope you are ok.