Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Caspar]

Hello,

I have a stepson (aged 35 years). He is only 6 years younger than me. I have been with his father for 18 years and we have 2 beautiful children of our own.

The problem is my step son has become extremely agressive towards me and I am at the point where I do not feel safe around him anymore.

He was recently living with us and whilst he was meant to be paying board, he would vanish on the centrelink pay week, only to return on the non pay week without any money left. We would have to feed him for that week until he recieved his centerlink payment again. There were rules whilst he was living under our roof and he continually broke them.

He can not get a job, or keep a job, and can not get his own rental accommodation as he is on the rental blacklist.

He has admitted to taking drugs in the past, and yes ICE was one of his drugs of choice. I don't think he is on ICE at the moment.

He has burnt all his bridges with other family members and friends through his behaviour over the past 18 years.

When you confront him about his behaviour he gets all agressive and defensive.

I am at my whits end. I don't know what more to do.

He is booked in to see a psychologist in about a months time for a mental assessment, but that is because his father is taking him. Step son does not think he has a problem, so I can see if they do put him on medication he will not take it and the whole cyclic pattern starts again.

What can we do?

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Caspar,

Having a mental illness and using illicit substances such as ice can make up a complex situation. It's hard to know where the behaviour comes from. 

You mentioned that your stepson does not think he has a problem. Generally, when people don't think there's anything wrong, it can be hard for them to address any issues because they don't really believe there's any issues. Is your stepson still living with you? And how long have things been like this?

It's really not ok for you to feel unsafe due to his aggressive behaviour. What type of boundaries have you set around this behaviour to keep you safe? 

Regardless of where this behaviour stems from, it's important that your stepson is responsible for his behaviour. This does not stop if someone has a mental illness or drug issue. 

There's a few people on here you may want to connect with. Check out this thread by @Sophie1 she (well her psychiatris) thinks that her partner has bipolar, but Sophie suspects that the symptoms may be caused by drug use. Also @Louise cares for a son who has bipolar. And @Maple has written in this thread about a partner who used substances (alcohol), and is reluctant to seek help. Perhaps they can offer some advice here?

You may want to consider calling Family Drug Helpline to talk through your situation. Even though, you don't think your stepson is using, they can still provide some advice on developing strategies to respond to your son't behaviour.

[Caspar]

Thanks for your reply CherryBomb.

This has been repetitive behaviour for the past 18 years. He is not living with us at the moment, but I expect he will be back within the next couple of days as it is the off pay week and he has no where else to go.

It has got to the point where I have told my husband I will stay in a motel with our 2 children if he has to stay here as I don't feel safe around him.

Am i being selfish? I guess I just need an outsiders point of view.

[Zahlia]

Hi @Caspar

Echoing what CherryBomb said, drug use and mental illness is a very complex situation. It sounds like you are going through so much stress with this whole situation. Do you talk to your partner about your stepson, and that he makes you feel unsafe? What other supports do you have at the moment?

Bottom line is, you have a right to feel safe in your own home. He is living under your roof, he needs to abide by your rules. What boundaries have you and your partner set up?
It might be a good idea to create a safety plan for you and your children. For example, pack a small bag with essentials that you can grab and leave if you start to feel unsafe.... Have a safe place worked out where you can go like a family or friends house? 

In response to you asking whether you are being selfish - you are definitely not being it. You are thinking about the safety of yourself and your children. Take some pressure off yourself 🙂 

Stay strong,

Zahlia

[NikNik]

Hi @Caspar

Just wondering how things are travelling for you and the family at the moment

Nik

[Caspar]

Hi Nik,

Well he is here again without any money (yet he can afford taylor made cigarettes!) as it is the off centerlink pay week.

Thanks you Zahlia for your kind suggestions. I have a wonderful friend I can run too with the kids if he gets agressive in anyway.

He gets paid on Friday and is "meant" to start a casual job next week. Husband has mentioned putting him in our big tent down at the local caravan park as of Friday but will see if that happens i guess.

Until he can get in to see the Dr and a mental health plan there is not much else we can do.

[NikNik]

Sounds hard @Casper
Let us know how it all goes & hopefully he accepts help.