Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Altogether]

Please move if I've chosen the wrong spot for this.

Just wondering how 'normal' (I use that word losely) the changes to your life are when you first find yourself looking after and responsible for someone in your family/someone you love?

It's been just 9 days since I found out about my sons suicide attempt and reoccurring thoughts. I've been worried for a while and I've actually been checking on him sleeping (during waking hours) for many months prior to knowing.

Now I've got a few other measures in place. I'm still key-locking the house bolts, I can't bring myself to go out before he's up and started his day, I've got the boxes of medicine hidden with just a sheet of each left in the medicine box. Oh, and I'm wearing full pj's to bed in case I have to get up suddenly.

He's had one psychologist appt so far. He's getting up earlier than weeks ago, but still not a 'reasonable' time and has started back at uni. I just don't feel enough has changed that I can lower my guard completely yet. Is this normal?

I'm not smothering. He doesn't know any of it except I'm dishing out his ADD meds in the mornings. (and he's queried that continuing to happen tonight via message, I'm trying not to respond!)

How long is 'normal' in other people's experiences? 😔

[Altogether]

ugh. And now he wants his pills back. I don't want a lot, but I seem to not even have a little, control. 

[NikNik]

Hi @Altogether

I only just came across your post.

I completely understand the measures you have taken. You are being protective - and it's what any other parent would do.

You might also find this factsheet helpful.

As a long term plan, are you able to speak to your son's psychologist about this and what you can do?

One thing I have heard from other carers that has been helpful, is establishing an agreement with the person they care for as to how and when they will flag they are not okay and plan together in advance, what steps will be taken if they do disclose they feel suicidal.

This can often help the person being cared for know what to expect if they do share their unwellness, and peace of mind for the carer, knowing the person they care for will talk to them if things aren't okay.

We also encourage carers to not worry in silence if you notice changes. Approach the person you care for with non confronting conversations starters like 'I have noticed x,y and Z lately, which makes me concerned for your wellbeing. How are things travelling for you at the moment'

It's such a hard situation to be in - it sounds like you're doing such a good job and it also seems like your son is moving forward (seeing a psychologist and sleeping slightly less). Don't forget to take care of yourself too.

[Altogether]

Thanks @NikNik. 

I've bought myself some time, but have thought of another compromise I'd be more comfortable with. I just hope he agrees. Thing is, he's right - it's not about me, it's about him. I just don't think he realises how hard it is for me because I don't want to lose him. 

[NikNik]

I don't think kids realise until they are in our shoes how hard it is. Regardless, now or in the future he will appreciate how much love you have for him. He may not understand, but he will know it's come from a good place.

[Appleblossom]

I cant talk about normal but as I am a carer of 22 yo man/boychild.  I felt nothing was over the top from your point of view.

I liked reading your post.

Its never all about one person .. that is the point.. neither mother or child or one or other spouse .. nor footie mates out on the field.

Mothering is delicate.  I have never been much into smothering but am quite entwined with my son due to his choices.

I check in his room when he doesnt come out over 20 hours .. and breathe a sigh of relief when I hear his breathing .. little things like that. My heart does a dance when I pick him up from the railway station.

Our discussions re suicide have a very different timeline.

My son was shocked when he was 14ish at Banksia and said everything was geared up for suicide prevention. 

Each person has unique journey... but we do effect each other.

[Altogether]

@NikNik, that is so true. My son is so insightful at times, and other times, nothing. Yesterday he said to me, "I know you are coming from a good spot", but of course that was in the middle of telling me off for something!

@Appleblossom, how hard is it not to be 'entwined' when going through this? Especially if you've been dealing with it for some time. God how I am still praying that my son is going to have a 'perfect' journey with everything going well and lightbulbs going off all over the shop. Naive, I know. What you said about checking on your son in his room, that was me the last 6-ish weeks. 😞 

And when they are over 18yrs you can talk all you want, but often it's simply that your hands are tied. I'm really hoping that as therapy kicks in then more 'logic' will fight it's way to the surface and with it a bit of empathy. So he can really see how we all do affect each other. 

I guess I just don't feel I'm doing half the things I want to or probably should be doing, to protect him. Yet I'm battling to do even the few things I am. 

[NikNik]

Aw, what your son said is kinda sweet @Altogether (even if it is hidden within 'telling you off')

From what you have written you are doing an AMAZING job. Don't be too hard on yourself and continue to reach out for support.

I'm not sure if you've noticed in other discussions, but self-care is a huge deal. I know right now you probably can't think of anything else, other than your son, but taking care of yourself helps you to continue to be the best mum you can be.

I have seen around here some people see counsellors / psychologists themselves, to keep themselves 'in check' I also read great advice from another member who recommended mentioning the "caring situation" to a GP - so they are aware of it.

There are also some great organisations for carers. What state are you? I might be able to share some.

[Appleblossom]

Yes I have noticed that the tail often wags the dog these days .. and its the kids telling parents off a lot

Yes I think a lot of it is waiting for their own understandings to kick in .. sometimes you do have to fight back and not let them walk over you .. its early days and you have to find the right way and the right time.

My son does not have a lot of SI just a little bit .. he just doesnt want to go out much .. but also hated it when he was locked up at youth mhu .. if he stays in it has to be his choice ..

Sometimes free will and choice is over emphasised ..

its a world chockers with choice .. but not really .. there are a lot of things just have to be done .. good luck

[Altogether]

He's arguing, arguing, arguing.He thinks he can come home and have everything the same?? After 9 days (or so) and one psycholgist appt? Aaaagggghhhhhhh................. 😉