Lived Experience Forum

[Bast]

Hi 

Regardless of the dreadful experiences, emotions, stigma and experiences that occur perhaps there is always a little tiny candle light burning fragrantly away. I believe so totally that I am a person first and not just a diagnosis. If I am abnormal that is disconcerting however I cannot influence the pre-conceived perspectives of others. In essence it is very hard (and I know this truly) to comprehend it is not my problem. Let's hold onto the concept that sanity doesn't actually exist, everyone has personality traits, issues and can be wacko! They just either get away with it more or camoflage better for self interest. To have connections via this post is incredibly helpful, I am currently not an isolate dealing with my own MH labels. I am a little braver and just a tad more resilient, I still live in fear that I may display emotions inappropriately though! Oh the horror of losing it and crying and being judged. Today a difficult work situation became very 'tricky' I think the total was 3 tears (I hope) and then back to being able to relatively function. Horribly I am monitored by amateurs regarding my mental state. I can now reflect and hold onto my little fragrant candle, I got through. Amongst the thinking was the horrible and resounding self deprecation that I caused this by my meds surrender and preference for feelings and identity. Realistically it is probably the right decision - I get to be me - tiny candle or not. 

Lotsa luv 

Bast

[Appleblossom]

I like your tiny fragrant candle metaphor @Bast.

Yes for about 30 years I was terrified of crying ... and about 10 years I was afraid of expressing anger or negativity inappropriately .. but then after ... I had done both and also learned to laugh ... it stopped being such a concern.  I always thought I was clumsy .. and then I started noticing other's clumsiness .. or other people's anger ... not to be mean or to remark .. but just to know that stuff happens ... and sometimes it happens in public ... in a social environment ... but it takes a while and some special people who might become friends ... or at least supportive colleagues.

I am impressed that you are going for identity over meds ... way to go @Bast. Maybe I will get back to that .. but I am going for quality of life at the present and not rocking my family boat ...

regards Apple

[Mosaic]

Hi @Bast thanks for sharing. Couldn't agree more with your sentiment that you are person first and not just a diagnosis. I'm sure we can all agree with you there. Everyone has their 'quirks' don't they? It just depends how well we hide them, or dress them up? Personally, I find a sprinkle of 'wackiness' in people can be lot more fun, interesting and engaging!? 😉 Sounds like you handled the tricky siuation at work as best as you could, well done!

What scent is your little fragrant candle? 

[Bast]

Hi Apple

You are truly a phenomenon. I am so impressed with the accomplishments described in your post and I personally luv the 'lived experience' of fear, tearfulness, anger and joy. Your words resonate so beautifully - empathy and comprehension of normalacy, being a human being. Life is utterly inexplicable and on human behaviour, to use a phrase - it is what it is. It is interesting that you are obliged and/or dedicated to maintaining a stable boat in the rip and curl of the ocean, sometimes that is what experience and the priority of personal values delivers. I have being so 'contained' by the necessity for such a long time too. Scary to be so 'experimental' at times, although also inherently rewarding as long as I can somehow maintain the momentum with my own lessons learnt. 

I so dislike feeling like a 'fruad' when presentation in a cetain way is essential however, I am required to ensure that the professional persona is displayed as required. Although I am incredibly fortunate at times to be able to work with people who welcome me just as I really am. I cried today (very briefly) due to the conclusion of work with such a significant person. 

My very sincere thanks for your replies and understanding - my tiny little candle now has more light and fragrance.

Lotsa luv

Bast