Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[paulee]

My name is Paul and have psychosis. I didn't know I had it before my overseas student girlfriend moved in with me after changing states to be with me. It's taking a toll and want to make it right, don't want her to go through this as she is the most vibrant girl but now it's tough times inside her.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @paulee,

I imagine it would be tough for you both, particularly because you girlfriend has moved interstate, so I'm assuming she moved away from her usual support network (family and friends). You sound like a very caring partner to worry about her.

Can I ask if you and your girlfriend have had chance to sit down and chat about the impact? If so what was said? I think it can be helpful to get an idea of what in particular she is finding challenging and then work from there to find solutions

For instance, she may like she has no one to talk to about this, so an opiton would be to find her support services. Or she may feel like she doesn't know what to do when you are unwelll, so talking through a plan can be helpful.

@paulee do you have support yourself? Like, do you have doc, or psych that you see regularly? It might be an option to involve her in some of these appointments. 

CherryBomb

[Acacia]

Hi @paulee

Welcome to the Forums!

It’s great that you and your girlfriend have decided to move in together. I imagine it will be a bit of a challenging time, getting used to the new living arrangements, a new state for her and a new diagnosis for you. As well as supporting each other, do you have anyone else to back you up, like friends or family or professional support?

There are several members on the Forums who have mentioned their experience with psychosis. @Elle @DefiantPanda @Bc2ast @33cRioli @AlienBP2 @Rosie feel free to share any thoughts or tips from your own experiences.

There are also lots of members who have mentioned the valuable support of their partners and might be able to relate to your concerns about your girlfriend. A few that come to mind are @chookmojo @MoonGal and @Rainbow789.

Back in May we had a Topic Tuesday about psychosis on the Carers Forum. You can find it here. There are some great insights from carers about their experiences and strategies as partners/family members/loved ones of individuals experiencing psychosis.

I hope things are going well since your last post paulee. I look forward to hearing more from you ☺

[MoonGal]

Hi @paulee, welcome to the forum. I'm fairly new here too. It's a great community.

Sorry to hear your psychosis has caused issues in your new relationship, I it sure is difficult for you both.
My partner and I have been together several decades and been through a lot. One thing that has helped a lot is my partner being very 'clear' when I am in an altered state and understanding it is 'not me', but my illness at that point. We have this fundamental rule in the way we conduct our relationship - and that is to 'always be on each other's side, even when the other isn't being on their own side'. That helps to step back from drama. We never accuse one another either. If things have gone off the rails, we take voluntary time out. Try to turn it all down and look for solutions rather than blame or shame. 

Our relationship at best is 50/50 - but over time it goes 70/30, 60/40 etc - when things are going awry, sometimes the best we can do is remeber to love one another and make a comittment to get through it together.

It could be really helpful for both of you to make a list about all the positives in your relationship, your hopes, dreams and future. These things that got you together in hope and had your Gf move from interstate to be with you, they must still be there, maybe just hidden by the shadow of your psychosis at the moment? Then make a list of how your psychosis might threaten these things, and what can you both do to overcome the threats. (for example. seek counselling, or have your partner learn more about your condition, a safe list for you Gf when things are going pear-shaped for you - up to you both as to what the best solutions will be for your situation). 

[CherryBomb]

A wonderfully insightful post @MoonGal. 

One thing that carers can struggle with is knowing what is and isn't the mental illness talking? How do you and your partner know what's what?

I really like the approach that you and your partner - to remember that you are on the same side. When things get tough, it's so easy to take oppositional stances. In the end, this rarely works out well. Meeting in the middle to find common and ground and work together is so helpful... in my experience anyway!

[MoonGal]

@CherryBomb - I checked with my partner (who is not my carer by any means and I am a bit affronted by that language...) about your question on this, because advanced Moongal Management skills are their forte. My partner says "clearly there is stuff I want to do or am heading towards (like a team of horses at 100 miles an hour!) that clearly are not good ideas..." at those time my partner points out it isn't a good idea, talks it through or suggests other solutions, if it is clear i am racing off into a hypo-manic , there are things said that help -like " how about you unplugg the computer and go to bed? No really, now would be good". (

Reality checking - If I am being particularly difficult, saying really hard stuff about myself, being hard on myself or catastophising - my partner will gently refute this. We have some clear one liners like "That is not true", "This is not permanent and pervasive situation this is temporary and transient" but all of these things are within the boundaries of MI of BiPolar II, anxiety, PTSD, OCD - i rarely have psychotic breaks and when i do they are associated with medication changes, aenesthetic or extreme anxiety - all which have 'end by' dates..

My partner stated that "I dont buy into your bullsh*t" if I am tense and techy and accusatory (which apparently I just found out, despite my comment above about not accusing one another, does happen when I am in a mixed state), doesn't mean that my partner doesn't feel hurt or confronted - but being emotionally contained at that point means we don't escalate. Bottom line my partner understands and will be "the big person in the room". and manage a situation towards calm, stable and safety as required. Has been doing this for over 20 years so is adept at it. (...Oh, maybe they are my 'carer' after all).

[CherryBomb]

Thanks for getting to me and answering my question @MoonGal. You and your partner seem like you both know each other so well, and so very caring and supportive of each other. I love the idea of being 'the big person in the room'. Someone's got to it, right?! 

The term 'carer' can see a bit odd, I agree. It can sound like people with MI are not capable of caring for themselves, but I like to think about it in terms of people who care and love people with MI. 

A question for your partner, if I may?: does your partner get stressed during times when you are unwell, and if so, how do they manage the stress?