Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[xorsted]

Hi,

I have been married to my husband for 20 years. He suffers from major depression and anxiety. He has just come home from hospital and had another 6 rounds of ECT and I m so worried. I don't see any improvement. Just more vagueness. He is in bed 22 hours a day.

[xorsted]

The other thing I forgot to say is this time around I find my own mental health is doing downhill. I am not coping. My husband's world is all about himself. I have him plus two teenage boys who have been affected by their fathers MH while trying to balance a household and maintain a job. At work I have to make good decisions and maintain a strict code of conduct when really I just want to cry and snap at everyone.

[fmm]

Hi xorsted, just wanted to say I think you're amazing for supporting your husband the way that you do, but I know what you mean re work!

I work in a DV service and my work requires empathy and patience with clients and these days I really struggle to find it within myself. I just want to snap at everyone!

[xorsted]

I am struggling so much. For 10 years he was emotionally abusive but one day I woke up and said enough is enough. Well he did stop being angry but I think he internalised it all. Then things weren't good at work and he got an accepted workers comp claim for a psychological injury. He was on that for two years until comcare said it was no longer work related. They stopped his claim and he had a breakdown and the first lot of ECT. That was 12 months ago. Slowly he has gone downhill.

I just can't take any more. I know I must go and get counselling myself and I will. I am just so overwhelmed by everything. My resilience is zilch.

[suzanne]

Hello @xorsted, welcome to the Forums.  It sounds like you've been through a great deal within your relationship.  The fact that you've managed to keep looking after your children and maintain employment is amazing.  Your resilience may well have run out as you've been spending it on looking after everyone else and doing the right thing by your employer!  We're a bit like cars that way, if you don't refuel it all grinds to a halt. 

Sometimes when we feel overwhelmed it's good to remember what we can actually control.  Your husband is receiving treatment that will hopefully start to make a difference soon.  But either way, his health is beyond your control.  You've hit the inevitable place where you know deep down that you can't continue without more support for yourself.  The scales are just too far out of balance.  But this bit you can control. 

So even though you won't feel like you have time, you really do need to invest in yourself.  That might be a referral to a psychologist from your GP. Or it could be giving yourself permission to do more for yourself - like hang out with people you enjoy but don't feel responsible for.  Or go for a walk with an audio book so you have a break from thinking about all this.  Book a couple of days leave from work to spend how you want.

When we're drowning in our responsibilities this feels impossible.  So you need to start small and think about it as essential maintenance

It's been a few days since you posted.  How are you feeling now?

[Appleblossom]

Being a mum in a family full of boys has a different culture to when there is a gender mix.  Take care of your self.  The former abuse would not have helped the boys grow up. 

Get whatever professional help you need. I am sure you have been very helpful to all the family members over time.

Try and keep it family based rather than ... tables turning and you getting labeled ... for others' behaviour problems.