Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JAC]

I have a 20 year old daughter with BPD. The last 8wks have been like hell on earth. She has a 21month old son who we have temp custody of, a situation that looks likely not to change for some time. Our relationship is practically non-existent at this point, again something that seems likely not to change. Every day brings a new revelation of something she is doing or saying to others. I have tried really hard over the last 7 months ( when she was diagnosed) to try to understand this disorder. Some days I have more clarity than others, some days more sympathy, more anger etc etc. After reading your posts and trying to educate myself I have come to the conclusion that I cannot stop the actions of a 20 year old, I can only be there to catch her when she falls, and that will be very soon. I HOPE? And I say hope because I want my daughter back!!! Some days I want to lash out at her so much, other days I am in tears all day on and off. We have to concentrate on my grandson for the time being but thoughts are always with her. She will not communicate with any of her family, has cut off all her friends and the new ones she has are questionable to say the least. I know substance abuse and suicide are real fears of mine at the moment. But I will say that I had a revelation today. I realised that I am allowed to feel angry at her, I am allowed to feel hurt by her and I am allowed to feel totally pissed off at the world!! This was quite freeing to me as the guilt and the "what-if"s disappeared, if only for a moment. Tomorrow may be another bad day for all of us but I had one good moment today. I would love to hear from anyone else dealing with this and any advice you may have. Any experience with DHS is also welcomed.

[Frustrateddad]

Jac, I like you are a new contributer to this forum and it sounds like our stories are not dissimilar. We have a 32 year old daughter who is a single mum with a 2 1/2 year old little girl. She has not been diagnosed with BPD, but with ADHD and was prescribed dexies for this. She exhibits all the signs of BPD except the self harm, though she does threaten to suicide but only once tried anything silly, but I don't believe she intended to go through with it but used it to manipulate us.

i. Early February she started to exhibit signs of paranoia and believed she was being tracked, followed and her house was full of bugs.  She started blaming her ex and said it was to try to take her daughter of her. She would come around to our house and get angry then leave driving erratically with her daughter in the car. 

She would rock up with a new dent in the car and tell us it must have been stolen in the night and someone else did it. She accepts no responsibility for any of her actions and always blames someone else. 

Having our grandchild involved has put a different feel on the way we respond to her as we need to ensure she is safe. 

We have had her put in care twice, the first time using the police, a psychiatrist and ambulance, and she was released in 3 hours. The second time her private psychiatrist committed her to a public hospital and she was kept for 10 days before she discharged herself against medical advice. 

She is still suffering from paranoia, her pyschiatrist doesn't want to see her any more, her GP is having to limit her visits to him and her mum and I are at our wits end with the lack of support. 

I wish she could find someone who could diagnose her correctly, she has been stopped from taking dexies and can not be prescribed any more, but it hasn't changed anything. She refuses to accept she is ill and will not take any other medication, she wants to go back on the dexies.

My wife and I are both getting angry from frustration and as my wife does not work at the moment she is getting hounded in our own home by our daughter several times a day and it usually ends in a yelling match. 

We have tried to set boundaries but she doesn't remember or take any notice from one day to the next. Her mood swings can be timed in minutes, and are difficult to manage.

currently she seems to be pitting my wife and me against each other and this causes issues.  She will ring at odd times and then not have anything sensible to say.

i know how you feel and I sometimes think BPD is the Lyme disease of mental health, no one wants to diagnose it because there is not an easy fix, let's just diagnose ADHD because we can give a drug for that. 

I have lost nearly all respect for Psychiatrists in the last six months. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Frustrateddad @JAC

This is not my personal experience, so I don't have any practical advice to ab able to offer you.

I just wanted to let you know that others of us on these forums will read your stories, are listening to you, and feel for you deeply.  We generally won't comment, because we will feel a bit powerless to help in practical ways, but I would like to know if it helps to know that we care about what you are going through.

If it does, you will likely receive other messages of support.

Wishing you courage and strength, and try to look after yourselves somewhere in the interim, even if it is just small things across the day, and expressions to and from other loved ones.

🌷

[Frustrateddad]

Thanks Faith and Hope, as everyone knows it sometimes feels better when you have had a rant, it fills the tank enough to end the day. It does help to know others care, my concerns are we don't know what the right thing is to do, we get all conflicting advice about setting boundaries , not setting boundaries etc etc.

we care about her greatly and love her to bits but we can't fix her.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Maybe all you can do at the moment is vent, and then keep doing what you are doing @Frustrateddad

I can appreciate that it is heart-breaking, and frustrating, and appears in this moment to be endless.

Sometimes it gives you some wind beneath your wings just to hear someone say, "I hear you, and I understand".

Please remeber that, as people, you are just as important, and make space in your life to tend to your needs too. One patient is enough to cope with right now.  Don't become a patient too, if you can help it.

There are other people on these forums that are battling the same sort of issues you are, and you will likely receive a trickle of responses, but those people are living within a tempest too.  When they have the time and energy, they will send some advice or understanding, or both your way. 

If nothing else, you may find some "comrades in arms", and be able to lean a bit on each other.

Take care.

[JAC]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope@Frustrateddad, thanks for the story and the encouragment. I have felt the need to rant for quite some time and doing so on here in a strange way helps. Family and friends can only understand so much but when this is happening to your child, the feelings are different. @Frustrateddad, I too am fed up with the mental health professionals at times but we have to hang in there as there is one that is just right for the job. My partner and I both work fulltime and my daughter is currently living an hour away from us so we have not seen her in quite some time. Visitation with her son is restricted and currently she wants nothing to do with me and some days I am glad of that. Working fulltime and trying to raise a very active (but not naughty!) 2 year old as well as run a house and make sure my partners needs are met is very hard. He cannot understand it fully as she is not his daughter but feels very frustrated too. He has been extremely supportive though and loves the little boy as his grandson. I know I could not do this alone, I have a very supportive family and friend network around me but I also know that I cannot fix my daughter. She wont admit there is an illness that needs close attention and until she does we have to wait. Her current boyfriend also has mental health issues and in the past drug issues so her environment is not good at the moment. I am terrified with every knock at the door for fear it is the police to give me bad news. I wish that we could put her away in a treatment centre against her will sometimes. But for now it is an day by day process ( sometimes hour by hour!) and I just have to be strong enough to hold on. But like a lot of us on here, some days that is easier said than done. Must love and support to all of you

[Frustrateddad]

Thanks JAC you nailed our feelings exactly. This weekend wasn't to bad we went to look at rentals for her. I think some realisation is setting in, actually got to set up an email for her without her worrying who was going to hack it. Still very frustrating though I am getting sick of promises by health professionals to call you back and never hearing from them. 

[JAC]

@Frustrateddad, very happy to hear that you had a good weekend, it is nice to have a little victory every now and again. I too had an OK one as well. I chose to have a stress free day, turned off my phone and Facebook and did a few things for myself. the real world will start again tomorrow. Best of luck to you for a happy tomorrow. Try to start and end the day with a positive.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @JAC and @Frustrateddad

I don't know whether it has caught your attention, however someone else has just posted their story on the Carers Forum this afternoon, and it sounds quite similar to both of yours.  

They are at their wit's end and struggling to cope.  I know you can relate to what they are going through.  If you can spare the energy, it would be good for them to know they have been heard.  It's just a thought.

You will find them at -

Carers Forum - Our stories - My Heartbreak

🌿

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @JAC @Frustrateddad

I am guessing the moderators have helped the other thread-poster towards crisis care support.  

Their circumstances had become extreme.  Perhaps they will be back when things have settled down for them again.

There is obviously a wide spectrum of many of these illnesses we are working as carers to support, and sometimes we can only offer a fleeting touch in someone else's journey, but I believe they appreciate it anyway.  I know I certainly would.  It is so important to know we are not alone.

As far as I know, it's not adhd or bpd we are dealing with in my husband's situation, but there are definitely ocd issues underlying his eating disordered behaviour, and sometimes adhd and ocd can co-exist or closely resemble each other.

Some of the issues we were faced with last year had me questioning whether it might be bpd, but the psychologist I went to for support didn't think so.  He did recommend I keep reading the support material for bpd though, because he felt it would help me develop coping strategies for the similar behaviours anyway.

Take care.