Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[anon1]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting in this forum and im looking for some guidence on how to deal with my husband who suffers from depression. I suspect my husband has suffered from depression for many years but was only diagnosed a few years ago. He is incredibly moody, impatient and difficult. I feel like i have no where to go for support. My mum is an alcoholic with depression and anxiety and my father committed suicide some years back. I try to be supportive of my husband but sometimes i feel as if my life revolves around mental illness.

[Former-Member]

Hi anon1,

Congratulations on having the courage to ask for help.

One of the things I have done which might help you because of your experience with your parents is to see a relationship counselor. Although the counsellor may not be able to help with your partner they may be able to help you understand a good relationship might be like and where yours is out of step with this and once you know this you can problem solve for solutions. If you have never really lived in a house with healthy relationship it is hard to see this on your own I think.

I tried a lot of things before I ended up on the forum here and I have found that this is probably the only place where I have felt really understood. Hope you do too.

cheers

[Appleblossom]

I have felt similarly surrounded by mental health issues @anon1

Is there a Carers organisation in your state? They may be able to help.

[cheersquad]

Welcome @anon1,

I know exactly what you mean and I am paranoid of being co dependent of my husband. To the point I am often completely unsupportive.

i wish there was a simple answer and have a lot of issues through my family. In saying that it's not through my friends.

Only advice which I forget myself sometimes is don't forgot to look after yourself. So so important. I agree these are the best groups I've ever found for support.

cheers
Cheersquad

[anon1]

Thank you everyone for your advice and guidence. Its nice to know im not alone and feel a bit less guilty for having these feelings.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @anon1

Welcome to the Forums. It's nice to hear that you don't feel alone in your experience.

@Former-Member raised a great point about seeing a counsellor and getting support. I agree that having discussions about what a healthy relationship is can be really helpful. Obviously, there's no one size fits all, but I often wonder, how do we know when we are in a healthy relationships, what are the signs to look out for? 

Here's a few initial thoughts:

- People are respectful towards each other

- There's open and honest communication

- I can express my needs 

Am keen to hear what @Former-Member @Appleblossom @cheersquad and @anon1 think?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi anon1

It helps to remember that you are as important as everyone else in your life is.  

Sometimes as carers we can get so caught up in everyone else's need that we forget to be care-takers of ourselves as well.

Try to make a point of doing one small thing every day that is in support of you and your own values.  Sometimes that is as simple as sharing a smile in passing with a stranger,

You might eventually find that you can skip on those eggshells without breaking them 😊

[Faith-and-Hope]

By the way ...

My only sister has an intellectual disability and signs of mental illness.

My only brother almost died in a traffic accident a few years ago, and has a resulting disability.

My mother died many years ago now from a rare illness.

One of my children has a physical and intellectual disability.

My daughter in law struggles with bipolar.

My husband is currently oblivious to his undiagnosed mental illness.

Two of my brothers in law are seriously ill.

😓 I hear where you're coming from !!  

You have to find something in each day that counts for you, otherwise it's all about them.  Bloom where you're planted, any way you can.  Find little things to smile about, and simple things to take pleasure in - the warmth of the sun in a corner of the kitchen, the smell of rain after a downpour, think about your favourite colour and make a tally of every sighting you have of it every day.  The people you care for are in your outer world.  Only you are in your inner world.  Make that count for something.  My gorgeous Mum taught me that.  I have a picture of her hung on the wall of my inner world.

Peace.  Breathe.  Talk with us some more ... ?  We are listening for you. 🌺 💌

[cheersquad]

Great advice @Faith-and-Hope

[Former-Member]

Hi everyone,

Thanks CherryBomb. I like your suggestions.

I think in a healthy relationship:

It is possible to express differences and not agree on everything.

It is okay to make a mistake, own the mistake and apologise.

If something goes wrong the focus is on problem solving not blaming or rescuing.

Interested to see what others think.

Cheers.