Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jenna]

My mother is 50 I am 22. She claims to be a good mum but she's not. She has a drinking problem, anger issues and has a way of making me feel bad for her actions. Her boyfriend bashes her and apparently I'm the one in the wrong for not being able to stand or tolerate him. She puts him first before her kids! The amount of times she has stood by him while he has belittled and dragged my name and through the mud is sickening. I can't put up with her anymore. I need to cut her out of my life completely but I can't bring myself to it. She doesn't want to help herself. I can't be around her she just causes me too much stress and anxiety. I can't take this no more I just want it to end.

[Janey]

Hi, Jenna. I am sorry to hear how much you are suffering.

Unfortunately I can not give any advice but I wanted to say sorry because I am mother by myself and similar age as your mum and I have 20 years old son. i recently realized that he has been suffering for long time somehow and i must have caused some of those suffering to him somehow.  And I am trying to understand and undo where it's possible. It's not going well and I feel lost now. That's why I have been reading this forum on my sleepless night.  This is my first post.  I just wanted to say, you need to look after yourself. It's not your job to change your mum. She has much more life experience and you have less than half of hers,  She can not expect you to help her.   It must be very hard. Because she is your mum and you love her.  Do you get councelling or something for yourself? You are still very very young and you should be thinking about yourself.  I don't want you to waste your such a precious time in your life for something you can not do even you really want to. 

You can not take responsibility of anyone else's life even that is your loved one's life. And it is not your fault where she is at right now.  She is at where she is because she made her choices by herself.  Whatever the reason, your mum made her own choices to be where she is now.  So please make your own choice carefully because you are the only one can take responsibility for your life. You need to look after yourself.

sorry I think I am repeating myself....

I hope you mum realize that sometimes in her life.  But don't wait for it.

tske care.

[Janna]

Hi @Jenna and Welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so overwhelmed with your mother and the situation you have described.  It sounds as though  this is an extremely difficult situation to live with.  I'm not exactly clear as to whether you live with your mother and her boyfriend or not, but am assuming that you do.  If this is the case then I would like to make a few recommendations.  Firstly, what you have described regarding her boyfriend bashing her is domestic violence and you do not have to tolerate this.  You have a right to report any incident involving violence to the police, particularly if you are living in the same home. Your mother may not be consciously aware that this behaviour constitutes domestic violence and I would recommend attempting to discuss this with her from this perspective, although she may not be amenable to this.  Prior to doing this it would be worthwhie ringing 1800 Respect, the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service.  The counsellors there will be able to provide you with support and information.  Here is the link:  https://www.1800respect.org.au

What you are experiencing is not OK and I can fully appreciate why you feel like you can't take it anymore.  Please speak with a counsellor as soon as possible and let us know how you got on.  They are fully trained in DV and will understand.

Janna ❤️

[Former-Member]

Hello @Jenna and @Janey - welcome to the forums - both of you!

@Jenna, thank you for sharing your story on our forums. I hope you soon find this little community a safe place for support. It sounds like both you and your mother are going through a really difficult time. It must be hard to sit back and watch this all unfold. @Janna provided some good advice and support - it may be worth while getting some information, support, and referrals with this. An another alternative to 1800 Respect is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, they can provide similar supports to 1800 RESPECT. 

In all of this, it is important that you look after yourself and your well-being. I found this post that may interest you - it is just about taking care of yourself, and finding time to just focus on the things you love to do. It may be hard to refocus your energy on things that make you happy, but it is important to give yourself that space. 

I hope you find support and comfort on the SANE forums.

Jac-in-the-box 

[Jenna]

Dear Janey,
I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. It is helpful to hear from someone who is in a similar situation but on the otherwise of me (not too sure if that makes sense but I'm trying to say is a parent) I know I need to just worry about myself and my own choices but I just can't understand why she would stay in the situation she is. My mum and I are quiet opposite (she has lived off welfare for her life, government housing dependent on a man, had kids young where I am independent make my own money and live by myself with no kids) when we get along she is great it's just when the boyfriend is around we fight nonstop. I won't to help her be happy and make positive life choices but like you said I just have to worry about myself and my well being. Thank you for replying it's greatly appreciated.

[pip]

Hi Jenna. How long since your dad left or passed, whatever? If this is the first man since him, it could be at 50, your mum feels 'lucky' she has anyone in her life. Often too a woman in her 50's feels that unless she has someone in her life, she has no life. Therefore she takes all the abuse fearing that without him she has no-one. Men like your mother's bf make women feel that the reason they abuse them is because they 'love' them and need to keep them in line. Men like that brainwash women into believing the abuse is their own fault. Unless she WANTS to leave him, she won't. You, unfortunately need to decide where you want to be. If you want to remain in a very toxic situation, you need to accept there is nothing you can do to change the situation. If you do decide to leave, you can try inviting your mum to go with you, but you need to accept her decision if she decides to remain. I feel so sorry for both of you, you are in a no-win situation as long as you remain. You can report him for abuse if you want, but if you do, expect a torrent of abuse from mum for what she may view as overstepping the mark. Your mum will just about need de-briefing if she does decide to leave. I hope my words have not hurt you, I don't mean to hurt you, it's just that I've seen so many women in these situations. They're all gung-ho about leaving, till 'crunch time', then, one word from him, and it's all over and the abuse forgotten. It's always very sad and difficult for the families of abuse victims when the victim accepts the blame.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Jenna

It is fantastic that you have managed to get get a good job and live independently. 

it is also good that you can be happy with yourself as a person without being in a relationship ... it usually means you will choose better if you do start up with someone.

How often do you see your mum?  Maybe reduce it to every couple of months.  Definitely keep good boundaries and distance from her boyfriend .... she does sound in a terrible position and family is family ... Maybe you can find a way to set a limit on contact ... maybee see her every 2-3 months for a bit ... than the complete cut ...so you can be less traumatised by it ... and she might reassess her priorities over time ... try it for a while ...

You have done a good job to see things so clearly ... it very distressing the situations people get into.