Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[suzanne]

Hello @Lucy12, welcome to the Forums.  I'm very glad that you found us and are reaching out for help.  It's an incredibly difficult and frustrating situation to be in when you can see that someone you love needs help but they won't accept it themselves. 

Can you tell us a little bit about how the depression is affecting him?  And the relationship?  It might give us more of an idea of how to help. 

Living with someone who has major depression can be a little like being pulled towards a black hole.  It can have a sort of gravitational force.  Their despair and anger can pull you down too.  So make sure that you are taking lots of breaks and spending time with people who support you and whose company you enjoy.  It will make you more able to cope when you go home.      

So that you don't feel so alone in this experience, have a look at this thread where @Violet talks about her own troubles with a partner experiencing depression.  In the third post you'll see that JoseJones provided some links to other similar threads.  You may pick up some ideas reading through these posts.

It's great to have you here Lucy12.  I hope you find some comfort and good company.

[Nhoj]

I went through a similar situation with my partner. I was her sole support, she had no contact with her family or anyone else who could assist. She would often have outbursts at me and make unreasonable requests regarding my own family, which I look back now and recognise that it was deep fear about not feeling good enough.

I was at a real loss in how to get help with one of the main issues being cost of getting support. Ultimately we went together to the doctor and I virtually pleaded for support, from there we were able to go to a councillor together.

I posted on this forum and one of the main things I was told was to make sure I looked after myself. This advice proved to be critical for me. I changed my way of taking all responsibility for my partners well being to feeling okay that I was worried about myself. The road to her getting better started with me asking for support from the doctor and I guess the process started about us seeking support together rather than her just getting support herself. In some ways I think this may have even helped her, I think it gave her self worth and increased her ability to feel good enough by realising how much I needed her and that she was responsible for my well being too. This was a slow transition though and she wasn't able to come to that awareness until she initially got some help with the councillor.

I think the councillor really helped because it made her feel that their was a safety net and routine to see the councillor, there was something to fall back on which also eased my own strain. It removed the feeling of guilt from her which always exacerbated how bad she felt, it sounds like your partner may be the same.

It's an incredibly challenging situation and I really feel for you. Id just like to say that make sure you look after yourself, don't feel guilty. You're partner is very lucky to have you and you've done an amazing job. Don't be afraid to seek profrssional support for yourself, it may provide an avenue to start the process and get advice on how to move forward.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Lucy12

You care for your partner a lot and he has good qualities. He has worked hard and endured a tough background. You have been together for long enough to see changes and experience life transitions from school to tafe/tertiary and from home to independant living. You have stuck by him and tried to provide, but he probably needs the feeling of being able to provide as well. He may have felt he could not compete with your family.  Sometimes that is an objective reality not just insecurity.  Counselling may help if he agrees or you are in it together.

It is important that both parties feel a sense of balance in what they bring to the relationship and are able to get their needs met. There can be difficulties when there are many unequal power issues and what legitimate needs are, is often up for debate. These are mundane tensions that are part of many relationships.

I am probably as old as your parents.  Some parents allow young relationships in the parental home so that can keep some influence and control.  This was rarer in my day.  I left and we sorted out issues about work, study, rent, bills and life on our own. Yet things are not really easier these days, just more complicated.  There is no one answer.

Different generations have different challenges. I wish you the best in your choices.  Take care and go gently with yourself.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Lucy12

I hope you are going ok and I havent said anything wrong. You are so young and responsible. Take care that you get a life.

Apple

[Former-Member]

Hello Lucy12,

I am very sorry for your situation. I do not think that your partner's behavior is a result of his depression. From what you have written he is unappreciative of any help and trying to separate you from your family. I was reading your post and thinking Oh No, Oh no.

It would help to give yourself a bit of space. Have a trial separation. If you are meant to be together then things will work out. You are at university and this is a difficult time and you need to concentrate on your own studies. If your partner cannot bear to be without you then you cannot afford to be with him. That is what I think anyway from my expience.

Hope you are doing okay.