Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[karen1]

Hi all, I am new here and feeling somewhat overwhelmed with all, so I am sharing my story to try and relieve some of the anxiety I face daily as a lived experiences carer and hopefully hear from others who can relate.

Each day the one fear that haunts me is that my daughter will finally give up and give in. 
Walking to her room it begins, the wondering what I will find when I open the door. Will it be SH, to release all of that built up tension and overwhelm or will the fog have finally taken her. 
It is a process of making myself walk down the stairs of a morning, try her bedroom door, if it is locked the dread in me sinks lower. Then unlocking her door and psyching myself up to look around the doorway and standing there taking it in, my mind processing what I am looking at, good or bad. When all appears normal, standing there concentrating really hard on her body in bed to see if the covers are going up and down with her breathing or not. Then the immense relief that my beautiful baby that is now 19 has chosen life for another day. 
What did she ever do to deserve such an existence at a time in her life that should involve being excited to be here. 
Why should it have to be so hard for her, why should she have to fight the detrimental fog that is depression. Why should she have to suffer depression, anxiety and PTSD where her self worth is non existent. 
Three years on and she is so tired of fighting it, so tired of the battle to the point where she has attempted suicide four times, and in the desperation of this begs me to just let her go as she has had enough, "Please Mum just let me go, please, I can't do it anymore, I am so tired of fighting it." 
My answer is, "That is not an option my baby, I need you here, your brother and sister need you here, and until we can get you the strength and the self worth to want to be here for yourself, you have to be here for us and stay for us, as you leaving is not an option in our world, our world needs you." 
So I fight for her, I find the strength and will for her, because she doesn't yet have that will and strength, her illness has stolen this from her at this point in her life. I fight on and I will get her there, it is just hard going living with the fear. Never as hard for me as it is for her, but it is hard.

[Mosaic]

Hi @karen1 thank you for sharing - Your mothers love is so strong and your story was very moving to read. Your daughter is lucky to have you offering such courageous support at a time she is unable to do so for herself.

We have a number of mothers on here caring for their daughter who have struggled with suicide - @mia1 @MummyMountain @Concerned just to name a few. Also @Janna has been through a lot caring for her son who is around the same ageas your daughter as well. Perhaps they could relate to your story and share their own experiences with you too. 

You might also like to read through a Topic Tuesday we hosted a few months back, around the topic of caring for someone who is at risk of suicide.

A lot of what I am hearing in your post is a sense of grief for your daughter... Grieving for the struggles your daughter is going through, the suffering she is experiencing, and the hopes and dreams you had for her as a young adult. You might like to read through a recent Topic Tuesday I facilitated around grief and loss, from the carers perspective. 

Thank you again for sharing - Please keep us posted with how things are tracking with you and your beautiful family.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @karen1

Sending you best wishes for the courage and strength you need to persevere.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job in a frightening circumstance

Take care, and don't forget to seek nurture for yourself as well 

🌷

[CherryBomb]

Hi @karen1,

So much strength, being the rock and solid foundation for your daughter. I can only imagine what it is like to live this on a daily basis. Where do you find the strength to solider on? 

Hugs to both you and your daughter. 

[karen1]

Thank you for your kind wishes Cherry Bomb.

I am very fortunate I have a very good communicative relationship with my daughter. AlsoI am able to read her moods very well in regards to her illness now (through experience and lots of reading/research). 

I am able to tell when she is feeling flat and actually ask her to scale her mood from 1-10 which is extremely beneficial. From there I also ask her has she been having suicidal thoughts, does she have a plan etc.

Also very lucky to have a supportive extended family. I think they struggle to understand some of her actions around her illness such as SH, but they still express unconditional love, and I do believe this unconditional love from myself and my family is what helps my daughter to fight.

As for my coping, I have 2 other children who bring me great joy and are amazing people with the kindest hearts and amazing resilience. I also go to work which is very much my happy place, I am a primary school teacher and my class of 30 Year 5/6 students provide me with great strength, happiness and fulfillment, they keep me going. 

The hardest part or reality of mental illness for me is not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but rather just the daily struggle my daughter faces with no end in sight as yet. I have great hope this will change for her, and that one day she will actually enjoy life and not have to fight/choose to live but rather will want nothing more than to live.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @karen1

Have you seen the movie 50 First Dates ?  It's one of the few Adam Sandler movies I like.  

While it is not the same problem, Drew Barrymore's character has a memory loss issue resulting from an accident.  It means that every day she starts the day of her accident again, oblivious to the fact that many years have passed, and her family have had to develop coping strategies around her and work out how to communicate with her in the mood or state she is in on every new day.  I see parallels with what you, and many other families dealing with MI are having to cope with.

What happens when a man comes along who is at first interested in her, then falls in love with her, is the basis of the story.  He works out a way to build every day on what happened the day before, and "find" her again in every new day.  

Perhaps you will find his strength and perseverance inspiring ....

Perhaps you sill relate to her struggles when she encounters an issue in the day that flags her that her world is not adding up ....

Perhaps you can relate to the loving lengths her family have gone to to try to support her quality of life ...

Perhaps it will give you new hope for developing more or stronger coping strategies in your own situation ....

I don't know, but I hope some or all of this for you, and other families struggling with the most difficult MI circumstances.

🌺 Take care of yourselves.  Hugs ❤️