Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[VinegarTom]

My partner is currently in a mental health unit after he sought refuge at the emergency department because he identified that he was at high risk for suicide. This is his third admission in the past 6 months, the first being related to a suicide attempt (his first) and the subsequent two admissions being from him seeking help when feeling desperate. He suffers from severe depression and anxiety, and has various other major stressors in his life right now. He has become progressively more and more isolated from friends and family with the worsening of his mental health - feeling that he does not want to place a burden on anyone. We live in a regional area (recently relocated) and most of our support people are geographically far away. 

My partner has voiced that what he would like right now is to be away from people and not have interactions with the outside world. Spend some time just having a break from everything. 

I wonder if others have been in a similar position and whether this desire to be isolated should be upheld,.. or whether encouraging friends, family and other concerned persons to make contact and make him aware that there are people out there who are caring, supportive, loving and encouraging can be beneficial.

I have been identified as an "enabler" - ie upholding his wishes potentially to his detriment - and I am aware of that, but one does try and respect the wishes of ones partner to maintain the relationship.

Obviously everybody's experience is different - but I wonder if others have stories of either benefit of gathering a cohort of people to send emails, text messages and other tokens of their support, ... or experience of it having a negative impact? I refer specifically to a situation where the person is in crisis, rather than as a strategy for recovery post-crisis, if that makes sense. 

[JoseJones]

Welcome to the forum VinegarTom.  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through in caring for your partner, and I can appreciate that it must be heartbreaking as well as confusing.  I'm also sorry to hear you were identified as an 'enabler', and you're of course right, when your partner wants something a certain way, it is instinctive and natural for a person to want to accomdate their wishes! Of course there is no easy rulebook you can consult for these sort of situations.  I hope you will find some benefit in learning from and sharing with other members who can empathise with your circumstances.  That's what this community is here for, and I'm glad you've come on board.

[Acacia]

Hello @VinegarTom

Welcome to the Forums.

It can be so lonely and worrying to be at home when your partner is being treated in a mental health unit. It’s good to know that your partner is able to know when he’s at risk and seek help. I hope he’s getting the support he needs at the hospital.

Knowing when to involve others and when to support your partner’s wish to be alone can be such a tricky line to tread. I tend to think that support networks are really important. I know it doesn’t help right now, but perhaps this is something you could discuss with your partner at a time when he’s doing better, so that you know what will be helpful if he goes through another difficult time.

There are a few other Forum members who have supported their partner through difficult times, including hospitalisations. A couple that have recently posted about their experiences are @ADLEY and @Jane9. Adley and Jane9, have you had any similar concerns about involving other friends and family during a time of crisis?

@VinegarTom, you might also like to take a look at our Topic Tuesday on caring for someone who is at risk of suicide. The discussion is closed but you might find some helpful information there.

It’s also important to make sure that you have the support you need during this time. Re-establishing support networks when you move to a new area can be hard at the best of times. I hope you find these forums a useful support. You might also like to get in touch with ARAFMI or the Carers Australia organisation in your state. They can be a great help with things like counselling and support groups for families and friends of people living with a mental illness. Here are the links to their sites:

http://www.arafmiaustralia.asn.au/carer-services.html

http://carersaustralia.com.au/about-us/contact/

Welcome once again VinegarTom and thank you for sharing your story.

[ADLEY]

I know how you feel mate. .my partner attempted suicide 12mths ago and was admitted for 3 weeks.
Never really been great ever since..i hold him together..he often doesn't want to see people which i really don't worry about..so long as he isn't trying to suicide again..
I feel like i am a carer more than a partner now which is exhausting and a burdern but after 15yrs feel trapped in the role now.
Anyway this is just to say i understand how hard it is but if a bit of alone time is what your partner needs to keep things together i wouldn't be worried. if he is closing him self off from the outside world all toegther that is a different thing but while he is in hospital I think what ever he feels he needs to get better is all you can go by - how do the doctors feel  he is going  - have they seen it as a problem?

[VinegarTom]

Thanks for your input,

As far as the doctors know he has only a very small support network, just me and one close friend. We are in a small regional town so there is distance from family.

But I feel a bit like he has created this lack of support network for himself, there are many many people out there who really like him, consider themselves friends, and I feel would reach out with support if they knew there was a problem. But he has stopped communicating and nurturing these connections for a long time, and life moves on for people, so they are not currently very active in his life. I think he feels he is too much of a burden and people shouldn't be asked to take time from their own complicated lives to help him. 

I have this urge to contact these people and ask them to send a small token or message to just say hello, to broaden my partner's concept of how much support is out there. But I don't want to inflict a barage of stimulus on him either....

[artee]

I'm really sorry you're having such a challenging time and that your partner is too. I haven't got direct experience with suicidal tendencies, but certainly do in the isolation.

Part of depression is the need to withdraw and it's hard to deal with other people. I've been there. But as a carer, it's not ok to let it go on. When I suffered depression, I was very much alone and my support network almost disappeared with the exception of two good friends who kept in touch even though I made it pretty difficult for them. Most people ran away when they discovered I'd fallen into the hole. It's like they think they might catch it or something. I had the added difficulty then (as now) of having health problems that prevented me from driving. Some days during the depression I was so vague I was too scared to drive anywhere because I knew my concentration wasn't adequate to be in charge of a vehicle, so I cancelled dates with friends. They just thought I was making excuses, because mental health is such a misunderstood and unrecognised topic in the community as a whole.

My partner is desperate to remain isolated (to the point we have no home but are nomadic and barely stay a week in any one place), but he clings to me obsessively like a small child. I have to frequently remind him to make the effort to keep in touch with his friends and might have to tell him six or seven times a day for a week before he'll call anyone, and I have to fight hard to keep in touch with mine. He doesn't give me any space during the day (rarely lets me be alone in a room) and won't ever let me have a private phone conversation. If I ask him to go away, he gets very abusive and agressive. I have to fight like crazy to go see friends without him attaching himself.

Can you make contact with a couple of his friends and let them know what's going on and how he finds it difficult to initiate contact? Perhaps they will be like my two friends were and help out. If you're afraid it's too many too much, then just contact a couple at a time and see what happens.

[Terry]

He might perhaps benefit from knowing that the consumer forum side of this site is here if he wants to access peers and support and get some tips on coping and have a little encouraging cameraderie with others?

[PeppiPatty]

oh ive come in late on your .messages but yes yes-cpntact friends the answer is that tbose texts those simple messages of suppprt are so so helpful..... a couple of years ago i sent my son fortnightly texts ......thinking about you 'Rolf', call amytime you want, Love Mum and asked my brothers to as well
...i think its a very posotive thing to do
and the dpctors calling you an enabler??well you tell those silly billies that once they pay attention to what the 'carerS' concerns. are, you will pay a bit more attention to any personal issues they have
touchee