Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[fmm]

Hello,

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years now. 

We are about to be married, we are building a house, and I am 17 weeks pregnant.

He has always struggled with depression however I feel it has gotten a lot worse since I fell pregnant - I think this is because of the extra stress.

It has always been hard to deal with - his depression presents in episodes where he will sleep for several days, as well as angry outburts. Generally directed at me. But now more than ever I am struggling to cope. I am myself very emotional due to the pregnancy and I feel as though I have to repress everything I feel because if I cry or show how upset I am, it just causes him to sink deeper into himself and push me away and last out at me.

I am so anxious about our situation as well - when he has these episodes he inevitabely loses his job. He has just lost his second job in the last 4 weeks. He doesn't like to talk about it either, just tells me 'it's all good' or 'don't worry'. But we are currently paying rent and a mortgage and I have 5 months max left at work before I go on maternity leave. What will we do then if he doesn't have regular work? 

I seem to also be developing massive separation anxiety. I get anxious going to work when he is at home and I verge on panic attacks when I can't reach him on the phone (which is often).

I cry every day and it's hard to pull myself together in the mornings to get to work.

I also have a 6 year old daughter from my previous marriage and I worry about the effect it has on her. I try to shield her from it as much as I can but she's not blind or dear, she knows more than I want her to.

I had high hopes of a new counsellor he started seeing but he only went 3 times and has missed the last 2 appointments. He has been to the GP but doesn't want to take medication. He says he has tried it before and it didn't work for him.

I try so hard to be supportive and just be there for him but sometimes I just want to scream at him to get over it, get a job and keep it and just a general 'what about me!' I need emotional support too! 

It doesn't help that I don't really have anyone to talk to - I have a friend at work but I don't like to burden the workplace with it too much, and I have some old friends but most of them don't live in the same city anymore. When I left my ex I had to leave behind my whole circle of friends too and I feel like I have noone now.

It's getting harder to see the positives in life when I worry so much constantly about money and how we are going to survive.

[NikNik]

Hi @fmm

I'm so glad you found the Forums 🙂

It's so tough when the person you need and want support from isn't emotionally there to provide it (and is causing some of it). It sounds like the perfect storm -  building a house, a partner going through an episode, financial stress - all while you are pregnant, just to top it off!

I think that would get the best of all of us!

Additionally, I just read in another thread that you work in DV services - so while you're caring for an unwell partner at home, your working with vulnerable people at work too. Are you provided supervision or are provided some form of support through your work? 

I'm sure in your line of work you've heard of the term 'Compassion fatigue'. There's a great discussion about it here.

Sadly, your story is all too common. There are many discussions in here about being exhausted and just wanting support. @Telopea shared their story in an appropriately titled discussion 'Worn Out'. You might find some of the responses in there. 

I'm looking forward to reading others' suggestions - as I said, it's a common theme in this community.

[Louise]

I hope you will find it helpful to express your concerns on here, knowing that others are going through similar difficulties. Hopefully you may also get some helpful advice and tips. It is a supportive community here. My own situation is being Mum to an adult son with Bipolar Disorder, so I have a different scenario but like you I do worry about the future, finances and sometimes wonder how much more I can cope with. Hope you are feeling better soon

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry I am unable to offer any suggestions but I did just want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending best wishes your way.

I am also battling with similar issues, not from a partner but from a son and I know the worn out feeling it can leave you with.

I don't know how to help myself so can't offer any advise -  just my hopes that things will improve for you and the children.

[Amelia]

My story is from the other side as I suffer from bipolar and my husband has been in your shoes. When we realised I had a mental illness, from a major depressive low, we had three young children, not long moved off a farm, my husband was doing an apprenticeship at 35  and our lives were turned into chaos to say the least!  So began many years of admissions to psych wards severe depressive lows, mania & psychosis . This was at a time when mental health was only just beginning to be recognised for what it is . What have we learnt from our journey.  Firstly the spouse/ carer needs to access solid support, a reliable caring friend, GP or source help from support groups . Always remember you need to look after your own physical/ mental health to be able to cope. For the one suffering from the mental illness, there comes a time when they HAVE to decide to seek and follow Mental Health Professionals advice. Of course there's good and bad times but that core decision has to be made by them. Doesn't mean there's not hard & challenging times but that overarching decision only they can make. I've found a GP that I can talk to and he's seen me through it all and knows where I've been and now that I've stabilise with the help of my meds, he manages me well.  It did take many years to get my medications to work for me, but that's just my story everyone reacts differently to meds . Things have improved so much in that area over the years. Talking together when there's a window of wellness is good.  And just for what it's worth when I'm about to dip in a depressive, boy does my husband get it in the neck!! I know I'm doing it but it's in some way out of my control at this stage.  Good news. I'm doing really well and haven't had an admission in three years!  ( that's compared to every few months for years)  There is hope, there is life to live, but it was a journey ........ All the best

[marchhare]

Hi Amelia.

It is Marchhare here. One of the community moderators. I am really glad you have posted here tonight and told us about your illness and your partner. You will find that there are a lot of people here who can relate to your situation. I am sure you will get some replies soon. 

Take care and thanks for posting,

Marchhare