Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Snowdrop]

I have posted about my son and his issues with depression, anxiety, stress, sleeping problems on other messages (when there have been similar issues), but have decided to start a new thread for me - because I want to post with just my positive and negative comments as I need to. As I mentioned in a few posts, I don't have anyone I can talk to and I know that I bottle things up because of this, but I have found some help in being able to put my thoughts down. For over 10 years I have been walking a tightrope with a much loved but very difficult son. I go one step forward but then two steps back - and on the odd occasion when I have felt I have taken 2 steps forward and I feel so happy, I get knocked back by 3 steps back.

My son is not the easiest person in the world to get on with, in fact I am honest and say he is difficult, but he does have genuine depression, anxiety, stress and sleeping issues. He is under the care of a doctor and psychiatrist and also sees a psychologist - until he starts to feel better, then he stops going, and then has no support except me when he has an issue.

He does not speak to his siblings because he does not feel that they give him the help and support he feels they should give him. They believe that despite his issues he has a sense of entitlement and expects too much from them and then is very nasty when they do not give him the help/support that he thinks he needs. They now will not speak to him because they say he has to apologise, he says they must make contact with him and apologise for not speaking to him and saying whatever it was they said.

He has been nasty on the phone to me (we live in different states), sometimes yelling at me and hanging up on me, but then he will apologise later and either not say why, or will say that his medication needs changing etc. I will be honest about it and say that I know that his medication has to be upped and downed and changed on a regular basis so some of those times I know that will be the genuine reason.

As mentioned in my previous posts I have been to counselling but received little help at all from either psychologist I saw. I ring lifelife and the sane counselling line when I hit a really bad patch and it is good to talk to them and for that short while I feel listened to and someone understands, but then I put the phone down and I am then left waiting for the next call from my son and I am dreading it - dreading that he may be feeling really depressed and hasn't been able to eat or get up and I sit on the phone and talk to him for an hour, or two hours or more and I just keep my fingers crossed and watch my words because I want to make him better - I don't want to make him worse - which may lead to who knows what.

My son does not have friends. When he is ok he has a lovely nature but when he is down he is really down and I this chases people away - I think they can't cope with the mood swings and the negativity - this then just adds to his negativity and his stress. I wish he had friends both for his sake and for mine. Him because he would have someone to chat to and talk his problems with - me because selfishly I would get a bit of breathing space. I will always be his 'carer' with regards his mental issues - talking about his depressions, moods etc but I would like a break.

As I write this, I realise that there are others with children with what seem like worse problems than I have - but to me, mine are just driving me down and down and I'm finding it hard to find much joy in things. It's not that I am miserable all the time, but all the time - even when I am doing pleasurable things he is lurking in the corner of my mind and I am wondering how he is and if he is ok - and dreading the phone ringing.

He is self employed and although has no savings does manage to earn enough to pay his rent and his bills - well most of them anyway. I do help him now and again and although I don't get it all back he does try by giving me a little at a time.

He rang a while ago and he started talking about how he is going to work with a person he ocasionally works with and build up a bigger business - based on the work he currently does. He is capable - but my heart sank, what if it doesn't work, what if he is thinking it will work but it won't - if it starts and then fails. But then I know that if his sibling said the same thing I would just check if he had covered all the basis and then say - be careful, do all the figures and good luck. With this son though I automatically worry it will fail because I wonder how he will feel and what it will do to him if he starts it and it fails.

That's not fair to him, because he is good at what he does so why shouldn't it work? But what if it doesn't?. Am I worried because I am going to be on the end of his anxiousness, stress, depression if things start to go a little wrong - Yes, I agree I am.

I do not know what to do for the best - not just on this one thing but on the day to day things. How can I encourage him without discouraging him? How can I keep my mouth closed so I don't say the wrong thing because I know what the reaction will be and then I am worried about the consequences. I walk on eggs most of the time and I am tired!!!

I have found that writing on here, with the little positive things as well as the horrible negatives ones has been a help in that I feel not so lonely.

So if people don't mind I will continue to post my 1 step forward and 2 steps back and hope people will bear with me. And if you have any suggestions I would love to hear from you. I've tried all the - go for a walk, have a coffee, etc etc, but someone may have an idea of what else I can do - or even at pointing out what the heck I am doing wrong.    

[pip]

Dear @Snowdrop. I'm sorry to hear you are still experiencing problems with your son. There are no easy answers, as you say 1 step forward, 2 back. I think to encourage him, it might be an idea to suggest he gives this idea of building up his business with help from this other person, the thumbs up. You could also mention not to be discouraged if the business takes a while to 'get off the ground'. New businesses often take a while before they build up clientele. There is a lot of competition for mechanics, lawn mowing contractors etc. Everyone starting, faces competition. Try to let your son know he should expect a bit of 'flak' from other businesses as this is part and parcel of any business. If he reacts negatively to what you say, leave it alone. Let him know you will not think less of him if he struggles to build up clientele. Ask him if there is some way you could assist him. I wouldn't discuss him with his siblings, or mention them to him. Perhaps suggest ways to help him build up the business. Let him know you are there for him, but he needs to know he may 'stumble' this is normal and doesn't mean he is incapable of doing anything. Tell him, no matter what happens, you will always be proud of him for giving it a go. Don't take responsibility for him, if he wants to try a business, he needs to be aware of all the pitfalls. Be a sounding board by all means, but don't offer to hold his hand. You are not doing anything wrong, except worrying over something that might not happen, or might. No-one can predict the future.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks for the reply Pip and your thoughts. Unfortunately I cannot see an end to having 'issues' with my son, and I've given up expecting that one day all will be well. If 10+ years of working with psychologists and different medications etc has done nothing but keep things at bay (some of the time), I don't for one minute expect that there is going to be some miracle pill(s) that will keep him on an even keel for the majoriity of time. I'm still trying to work out if his symptoms are worse because he has a flawed nature (none of us are perfect), or whether the whole thing is his depression/anxiety/stress. I think I'd like to think it is all his depression, as I don't like the person that he is when he turns nasty and I don't like to think that this is him.

I don't expect a cure - I did once when his symptoms first started - but after so many years it just isn't going to happen, but what I do want for him (and that would flow on to me of course) is peace. I want him to have peace from the worry of his depression. I know it won't go away but if only it could get under control and stay that way.

I don't like him being like this, I don't like me being like this - on edge because I know that if his medication stops working properly things could go pear shaped very quickly.  I don't know what I am trying to say............ I just wish it could all go away, but its not is it? But thank you for listening.

[CherryBomb]

@Snowdrop as a mum, you know your children well. You have a good sense of their vulnerabilities. Starting a new business is exciting, but very challenging. It's understandable that you're worried about the toll that this might have your son.

To add to Pip's points, let him know it's normal to struggle in the first year or two. I wonder if it would be useful to develop a bit of plan with him for foreseeable stressful periods?

[Snowdrop]

Hello Cherry Bomb, thank you for your reply. I am a bookkeeper - always have been - and before I retired had a fairly well powered job which I did well and which I loved doing (I need to blow my own trumpet sometimes ) He has asked if I will do the books for him. I know I am quite capable of doing them - so why do I hesitate at jumping right in and saying yes I will do them?

I had a good think about this over several days and had just realised that I hesitated for two reasons - one is that I know that, knowing his father and I are on pensions, he is looking at a way that he can help us and that is by paying me - quite correctly through his books and then of course I receive money and he puts expenses against the business. And I am proud of this, that he trusts me to do them properly and also that he is thinking of the many times he has borrowed money.

(although as I have mentioned I don't have to care for my son on a day to day basis, I just have to be here for his issues and outpourings and I also have to be prepared to travel down to where he is at any time when things are getting really bad for him and he needs my presence. I have to be a sounding board, to offer advise re his doctors and medication etc, at times I am a verbal punching bag, and I have to be a sponge so I can deal with all his issues - and as his mother I wish I did not have to do this, but given he has these issues then I will help him as much as I can. He knows he needs me a a 'carer' regarding his mental isues).

I don't know how to say this any other way, and I don't want to sound cruel and not caring  .............. but my hesitation at not jumping at his offer is that I am worried that I will be drawn into his life even more than I am, and that in doing this I will take more of his worries on my shoulders than I already do. I know this is my issue and not his - and in fact this could be the making of him, help him make new friends, keep him busier than he is, have a few more dollars in his pocket - and I will have had a hand in doing this. He will be happier (I hope) and I will be relieved.

I know this issue is mine - not his, but it has been caused by years of being the only one there for him and so taking his issues onto myself - I have to somehow support him without taking his problems as my own - because I know that  if I can't separate myself from his issues then I can't help him properly - and in fact in some ways I may be making him more dependent on me. Does that make sense?

Anyway - as it looks as though it could work, and despite everything else the one thing he has managed to hang on to is a good work ethic (even when all else is falling down around him), so I think I need to support him in this.

To anyone who reads this, thank you for listening. Writing it keeps me slightly sane and if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions would love to hear them. I do realise I am asking questions that seem odd, but they do all influence how I cope as my sons carer.

Thank you.

[Janie]

I think your instincts are telling you the right thing and that you should not get drawn into doing his books for him. It's not cruel of you to think this way or to say no.

He does have a good work ethic and that is something you can be very positive about.

He is also living independently and that makes me think that he must be functioning OK even with his depression, anxiety and stress.  He has you for support and advice and while he might not be showing you how much you mean to him - you are his rock. 

I'm feeling worn down after 1 - 2 years of supporting a young male with anxiety and it worries me that I could be staring down the barrel at years of feeling sad for my son. At the moment I'm positive that things can get better but 10 + years...you deserve a medal.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks for the post Janine and your thoughts.

No - I don't need a medal honestly. He's my son and I love him and despite all the issues the one thing I can hang on to is that I know he tries to help himself more often than he sinks into self pity. 

Good luck with your issues/problems Janine. I really wish you the best and hope your child's issues can be resolved/sorted (sometime I don't know what the rights words are).

.

[Snowdrop]

Well time to get back and post an update. I have made a concerted effort since my last posting to try and step back from my son. By this I mean - normally as soon as the need to know how he is would kick in I would sit and worry and fret whether I should contact him or not, usually I would - but then because by then I would be stressed, and his normal state is usually some level of stress something would go wrong and I would end up feeling worse etc. Those who have read my previous posts know what I mean........

So for the past week when I have wondered how he is I have sat on my hands and not picked up the phone. It hasn't been easy at all but I have made the effort. I have thought that if things get really bad for him then he would hopefully have the sense to ring me up himself, or I would hear from a hospital - and this has proved to be the case on several occasions.  He has rung me twice in the last week, both times needing help and I've found I've been able to give this help in a more calmer way. In one instance we finished the call really well, in another he was 'edgy' and I had to force myself to be quiet and not react.

Another plus is that he has given up the idea of getting another car - at least for the present anyway. I totally understand that as has happened many times before he can have a bit of a downer and that might cause him to focus on the car again - but at the moment I see it as a plus

So I am going to remain (or at least try to remain) one step removed from him on a daily basis so he doesn't feed of my stress and make himself worse.

I expect that at some stage he is going to ring me and things will have gone pear shaped, but at the moment I am glad for his sake that we have made one of those little steps forward.

I look forward to re-posing again soon, and hopefully another positive post - but time will tell.

Thank you