Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Louisiana]

My partner has depression
Hello everyone,
I am so glad I found this forum, so I can vent a little and hopefully find some insight to my situation. So please, anyone who is a carer and has gone through this or anyone who has depression and could explain to me a little in order to understand my partner, is super welcome.

My partner was diagnosed with depression. He is on medication and the side effects have been awful. He has accute memory loss. He forgets full days! important days! crucial conversations! it is really a nightmare for him and for all who suround him.

But that I can live with. What I can't live with is with the fact that since his depression has worsen, and since he forgets everything, he went back with an old mistress he had. It's like he needs to ease the pain with her and to destroy any meaningful relationship he had, by having meaningless sex. I have talked to him about this a million times, but he forgets. i can truly say he forgets. He forgets he loves me, he forgets he decided to stop seeing her. And I have no access to his psychiatrist. I have told him to talk to her about his memory loss and he forgets!

I know it sounds stupid. Everybody thinks he is lying, that I should leave him. But if you could see how confused he is at times. If you could see how he forgets important things, how he gets lost while driving. It's so sad and heart breaking.

Just to put an example: I took my PhD final exams, he went with me, he spent the whole day with me and the following week he was all anxious asking me if I had studied enough for my big day! He had absolutely forgotten the whole day. The whole day!
And that has happended so many times I lost record.

I don't know what to do. How could I leave him being him like this? so lost in his depression and so blurred by medication??? But how can I stay? This is really tearing me appart. I love him, but I can feel how my love is being destroyed by his runaways with his mistress. I even broke up with him, but the times I saw him again he was in real pain, lost, like a puppy looking for his lost mate. And when I talked to him, he confessed he forgets, he forgets he decided not to see her again, he forgets what we talk. It's like he went back several years and he is living that life that he recalls, but he doesn't always recall the present. I don't know.

I hate medication. I truly, truly hate it. It has destroyed my life. And I hate the fact that the psychiatrist did not do an integral therapy, with the members of his family. People surrounding the person with depression should be included in the whole process. Specially when side effects can be so powerful and limitating.

Oh well. I'm sorry if this doesn't sound too coherent. And thank you for taking the time to read me.
Blessings to all of you and to your loved ones with depression!

[Former-Member]

Hi @Louisiana

A warm welcome to our forums and I'm sure you will find understanding and support here. Sometimes it takes members a while to respond, so keep checking in here and look in other threads also as there may be ideas and experiences that you can contribute there as well.

Your husband's mental illness sounds very frustrating and heart breaking for you. I think many partners have that dilemma of: do I stay and continue living in constant stress or do I leave, suck up the guilt, and try to find a good life out of the relationship? It's an incredibly hard decision and only you can make it. 

I am suprised to read that your husband's psychiatrist has not included you in the therapy. I wonder why? It would give you an opportunity to feedback about the impact of the mental illness and medication effects on you and your marriage. Is the Dr fully aware of how severely it has affected your husband's memory? Can you push for an appt with him alone or together with your husband?

Have you thought of seeing a counsellor yourself to gain support and work through some of these concerns? What are you doing for your self care (de-stressing)?

Hope you do something nice for you this week 🙂

Frog

[Louisiana]

Hi, @Former-Member. Thank you so much for your kind reply.

I have been thinking of making a personal appointment with my partners psychiatrist a million times, but he is very private about it and he is very obedient to what his doctor tells him so he thinks that if the doctor hasn't requested to see the rest of us it is because it's not necessary...
And also, my partner sometimes thinks--whenever I try to get involved in his treatment--that I am trying to manipulate him. Which of course I am not...
However, I'll try to have that conversation again. So thank you for the suggestion.

And yes, I am looking for support for myself. I have an appointment with a psychologist next week, to see how to approach my partner and keep sane at the same time.

Regarding doing nice things for myself, I do them. But still this situation is extremely heartbreaking. It's like my partner is always at the back of my head. And now he is distant and selfenvolved and doesn't text back and goes out with friends and get laid far away from me...

Hopefully the psychologist can help me straight out my thoughts, find a way to talk to the psychiatrist and canalize the pain into a constructive way.

Thank you again for your reply and blessings!

[Gabriel]

Hi Louisiana- Great to see you being so honest and brave about your relationship... I had 30+ years of depression so I hope my comments to you are of benefit.

Yes the side effects can be awful

Memory loss is common-and frustrating to all(especially the person who has it)

 Your friends although caring for you are not educated on this aspect of depression- but be pleased they care

Sexual promiscuity is a feature of some types of depression ( bipolar).

the reasons why I was promiscuous were that I didn't want to feel worthless so I let my ego get propped up by having someone want me this way. It made feel that I was desirable... but in my case the guilt took me back to feeling worthless. A pattern that was hard to break. It was where I was at that time and it was selfish- but I thought it would help...

nothing you say is "stupid"-OKay?

Families should be included in consultation because they have to experience the effects- don't they?

2 suggestions

1. Make a written contract with him. Leave it where he CANT miss it ( With his keys). If he breaks it you can take space( you choose what kind) and you have the power over how often.

2. See if he is willing to find a holistic doctor who is prepared to use a wider range of therapies.

there is no guarantees he will get over this.However with the right help he may be able to modify his behaviour BUTonly if he really wants to...

l hope this helps... I understand that you love him but that it is tearing you apart.

I wish you the best

Sincerely-Gabriel.

[Louisiana]

@Gabriel, hi! Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate it. And I am so sorry to hear you have had depression for so long. It truly is a very, very difficult illness to overcome. And I am glad also to hear that you have dealt with it. That is amazing! You are one strong and determined person.

The written contract idea is awesome. Thank you for it! I'll definitely do that.

There is one other point of your reply that has been illuminating: when you talk about promiscuity. I sort of guessed that had something to do with self worth. But the clarifying point has to do with willing. Perhaps he is not really willing to break that pattern. And as heartbreaking as realizing that is, it's also helpful.

I'll have a talk with my partner having all these things in consideration.

Thank you so much, Gabriel!
Blessings to you!