Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Thislife]

Hi I'm new to the forum. I decided to join as I'm fairly certain my friends are probably worn out with me leaning on them all the time & also while they are supportive they dint have children with mental health issues.

I have a 16 to daughter with significant depression & anxiety. I've been aware for 2 years now. Initially she was in & out of a locked unit as we could not keep her safe. At that time she was suicidal & self harming. Slowly she has moved forward & I admire her enormously as she has worked hard to move out of her dark space.

My husband & his acceptance of the situation is the issue. He doesn't listen or seem to take in board the information professionals provide him. It's hard for me to put all of this in writing it's so complex. My daughter recently came out as transgender so from here I will call her my son. He has told me that all that has occurred for him has been as a direct result of this & his extreme body dimorphia.

My husband is completely unwilling to accept this & when I try & talk to him he laughs it off & says it's just a phase. I have been the "meat in the sandwich " for sometime now. But it has really come to a head yesterday when my now son told me that he has become suicidal & is self harming again due to my husbands, his father, inability to even try & accept the situation. & the way my husband talks to him. I've told my husband what feels like a gizzillion times that perception has a massive impact on people. That what he means as a joke or off the cuff remark has a massive impact on the person receiving the information. He just doesn't get it and as a result my son feels worthless.

I am at the point where I believe I'm going to have to leave my marriage. I cannot subject my son to this anymore & cannot bare the thought of my son taking his own life because of my husband. I would never forgive myself.

I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced anything similar ?

[Zahlia]

Hi @Thislife 

Firstly, I would like to welcome you to the SANE forums! Glad to have you apart of the community and I hope you find some support with our members.

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your son are going through. It sounds like its been a tough 2 years for you both. It is really sad that your husband is not willing to accept your son's identity- and the fact it is having a damaging effect on your son. Your son is very lucky to have such a supportive and caring mother who accepts him for who he is. It's a very hard decision to make, whether to stay or go.... But you need to do what you believe is right for your family. Have you had a talk with your son about what would happen if you both left or what would benefit him in this situation?

I found a thread from a member who talks about his transgender experience- not sure if you will find it insightful or not. Click here to see it.

Looking forward to hearing more from you Thislife,

All the best,

Zahlia

[Thislife]

Thank you I did look at the link & is a great insight

[Snowdrop]

Although my son doesn't have the same issues your son does, for various reasons he also had thoughts that maybe suicide was the only way out. For my son - it was a definite cry for help and we were able to talk things through - and 10 years later we are still doing the same thing.

The one thing that did change was in my husbands attitude. To start with he just didn't understand menal issues. It seemed to him that you could just decide to be better, or not have thoughts or worries or anxieties and it would happen. He just didn't 'get' mental illness.

After a few years of trying to talk to him - with little result other than my utter frustration and a feeling of how I was going to cope with my son the way he was and a husband who was just .......... - I printed out some information, in a very basic form and when my son was away I told my husband that he had to sit with me and we would read it together so he could try and get some understanding. I said that if he didn't, our family would fall apart and it was possible that we would bury our son.

Without much enthusiasm he agreed and we did read the information and I think some of it opened his eyes. He agreed that he would try and understand what was happening. Over time I have printed more information out so he could try and understand.

Miracles didn't happen overnight but I could tell when I bought up the issue of our son that he did at least try.

He is much better now with our son and they have - well not the same sort of relationship as they had when he was young - but a relationship. While my husband still doesn't 'get it', he trys to understand and is not negative and does not put him down.

Whether you leave or not I can't say. I'm not sure what I would have done had my husband continued with the way he was.  

I wish you and your son all the best.

.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Thislife

I have faced that situation a couple of times for different reasons.

The first time was when I was suffering emotional abuse at the hands of my MIL behind my hubby's back.  She was very good at playing the victim as the flip side of what she was doing, so she was destroying my ability to cope, then presenting me as a bully, and jealous, and over-sensitive, and selfish, etc when I tried to set boundaries on her.  It became completely untenable.  I realised, with three small children, if I couldn't "wake him up" to what was going on, I would have to leave.

Long story short, he didn't believe me, but offered an in-between, and this is what I want to impress upon you .... this can create a mid-way vacuum that buys you space and time to consider and negotiate towards solutions.  My WH (Wayward Husband as I refer to him as ....) said that because he wasn't witnessing the behaviours in his mum that I was describing, and found it impossible to believe she could behave that way, I would have to address her so-called behaviours on my own, but he would stand back and not interfer or take sides.  It wasn't ideal, but it worked.  I took her on by setting very firm boundaries, remaining frostily polite under all circumstances, limited my and the kids exposure to her, and refused to respond to her attempts at emotional blackmail and blackening my name to the rest of the family.  Gradually her behaviours began to come further out into the open as her frustration and anger grew, and by then it was clear what I had been dealing with.  Truth surfaces.

The second battle has been epic for us.  My husband was suffering from a "hidden" eating disorder, now identified as BED .... and he was very large as a result.  When we sold our business a few years ago, he set out to lose weight and get himself healthy - admirable goals - but was only really equipped with a family background of crash-dieting and excessive exercise to achieve this.  He worked with the family doctor, masquerading as if he were following advice and instructions, perhaps even lying to himself, I don't know.  Beneath the veneer he was veering off into no-man's-land ..... an different, combined, alternative eating disorder has resulted.  He jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire .....

The effect on our family built across time.  At first it was just distressing watching what he was doing to himself without being able to do anything.  When I tried to speak with out doctor, the clinic took intervention against me instead .... !!   Gradually his behaviour turned more and more emotionally abusive as the illness took over his life, and our children were in harm's way, as are yours.  I reached that point again of realising that I would have to leave if we couldn't work out a way forward.  Another long story short, we again agreed to disagree, sort of .... in his wayward son state of mind, that has amounted to pacifying him and to some degree enabling his behaviours, in order to curb the abuse and create a space we can keep functioning out of.  It's not ideal, but it is carrying us forward until he either emerges from denial or suffers a health crisis dramatic enough to spill the beans on what is going on.

How does this relate to you ?  I am wondering whether you can "neutralise" your husband in this situation ..... have a deep enough discussion to flag him to the fact that if he can't sit on his hands, step back from what is happening with the kids, and at least support / not counter your decisions and parenting autonomy while you seek the help you feel is appropriate for the kids, you intend to leave him.  Can you tell him that even if he believes you are wrong, you have the right to pursue this and will do so with or without him ?  It may be that the specialists you engage for the kids will be able to break through your husband's denial, and in this way, save your marriage.  If you can remove his interference long enough to take the action the kids require, the rest may resolve itself, but you have prioritised the kids' health, which you already understand is the priority over the marriage.

Sorry it's so long, and as much about me as it is, but I am hoping that showing your my hand and how I am playing it will help you with the cards you have been dealt ....

All the best, and take care .... here for you if you want to chat about it.

🌷💜

[Thislife]

Hi @faithandhope

Thank you for sharing your story it gives me food for thought. My struggles with my husband have been long & as you say setting boundaries may be a good interim solution but he'd have to agree to leave my son alone.

This year in particular has been extra difficult not only with my sons issues but I also lost my best friend to breast cancer I helped care for her over the last 6 months of her life. Even through this he couldn't give me support & when we returned home after her funeral he said well that's done lets get on with things. Luckily for me I have a great counsellor. My other son also broke his back as a result of a sport injury- he's fully recovered now for which I'm very grateful.

Reading what I've just written makes me sound sorry for myself. What I suppose I'm getting at is I just don't know if I have the energy anymore! It's very difficult to engage my husband in meaningful conversation without him laughing at me or just not listening.

I will contemplate this idea & consider how I could use this moving forward