Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[LGT]

How did it all get to this?

My 32 year old son addicted to ice and marijuana and diagnosed with ADHD at 12 is slowly destroying himself and us, his mother and father. We have been told by Mental Health that he may also have BPD which he has never been tested for. 

The last 15 years have slowly seen him transform from a great sportsman,capable electrician and a really good kid to a monster.

His childhood was very unhappy due to the fact he was always in trouble at school,never had any frienbds and was all over the shop. High school was a little better for him but still did not bring a lot of happiness to his life. We put this down to his ADHD diagnoses . He started on medication for ADHD at 12 but because of all the negative hype decided he would not take it, not realising how maybe it could of helped him in years to come. 

He has been to rehab but evicted after a couple of weeks for entering into a relationship,

His decline over the years has hit rock bottom this past weekend. He is currently under a Physciatrist who is treating him for a genetic mutation which is associated with mental disorders. We have been trying a new approach which includes prescription compound vitamins from a special pharmacy in Qld and vitami B12 supplement.

He has not worked since December 2015 and is currently receiving unemployment benefits. Of course all his money is well and truly gone way before his next payment is due.

On Friday night he demanded we give him money for his drug which we refused. We have decided we needed to get a long stronger that we have been in the past. When we would not come to the party he went absolutely balistic screaming and ranting and raving until finally downing 1/2 of a medication that he is on. When we still refused he took the rest. We rang the police and ambulance. The paramedics arrived and tried to reason with him to go to hospital. He told them he wasn't going. The police came soon after, but he had already jumped into his car after downing 30 tablets. He is a very solid man so none of us had any chance of holding him back. Soon after putting out a report on his car he was followed home by police. His father and I did not get involved because we were too upset. 

The police convinced him to go to hospital.

The next morning he rang me at 8.40 am and told me to pick him up. I couldn't believe they had let him out after all this. I am assuming he had no phsyc assessment as it would have been too early and he could barley stand up let alone talk. He came home and slept all day.

That night he woke up and started on again about the drugs. He got very verbally aggressive and started to really scare us. In the end we gave in and gave him the money and told him to get out.

We live on semi rural property and my husband found him the next morning down the front digging a hole in the ground to live in. He has no friends and nowhere to go.

A lot more has happened after these few days which includes a police order. All we ever wanted to do was help him.

This is one of many scenarios we have faced over the last few years.

What do we do? Where do we go? He won't leave, we can't get help. This is hell.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @LGT

This sounds really hard to live with.  You have been so courageous across this time, and is heartbreaking to see this happening to the son you love so much.  I hope you are receiving support from family, friends, your GP, and any other services you can find.

You have said he may have bpd, which he has never been tested for.  

Do you have contact with his psychiatrist ?  

Are you able to ask about testing ?  

Are you able to ask the psychiatrist how to develop an action plan when his behaviour spills over to unmanageable ?

Keep reaching out, as you have done here.  You need to be heard, and you are not alone.  Others have faced what you are going through.

The Helpline for these forums is 1800 18 7263.  Can you have a chat with them ?  They have information and connections to services that may be able to help you.

Take care.

[Appleblossom]

A few things come to mind when I read your story. @LGT 

It is a tragedy when someone we love seems to deteriorate before our eyes.  He may not be able to pursue a life with fulltime work and a family, but a lot of people are not that social and still live some reasonable life.  Making the best of the situation may be the best approach, rather than wishing for what might have been.

Its important that you have some protection from violent flare ups.

Is there a way a small form of housing could be set up for him on the property.  eg like a granny flat or an A frame or a container conversion.  It might give him some sense that you do care.  Legally you have the right to expect no illicit drugs on your own property.  It could be leverage for him to be somewhat compliant and behave with you.  He can probably do a lot of the building himself as he does have skills.  I wouldnt be giving any more money though.  It wont prevent violent outbursts .. maybe even fuel them ... sorry to say, but give him housing materials .. and encourage him to be somewhat self-sufficient.

Eg I made a statement to my son about illicit issues ... not that he is the same as your son ... but to ensure he knew which side of the law I was on .. when he was too young to know, but because I saw what happened between my mother and brother.

[LGT]

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post and reply. 

It is, as you say, hard to accept things may never be right for my son. We don't want to abandon him because we know he would find it very difficult on his own.  So many people tell us just let him go and let him fall on his face. I honestly believe he uses the drugs to escape his day to day struggles. The fact he has mental health issues makes us still want to help and protect him.  

We have let him return home and had already done exactly as you said, set him up in a shed on our property. We are still really upset at the events over the last week and have set down rules about his entry into our home. He has agreed to go back to get counselling with regards to his drug addiction. 

I wish I could feel this is heading in a positive direction but the past has shown me never to get my hopes up too high.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@LGT You sound like really caring parents who are taking the best loving care of your son that your situation allows you to.

When we were struggling with my husband's behaviour last year, when I would say it was in it's most random and hostile state so far, I bought a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T Mason and Randi Kreger.  I didn't know whether it was bpd we were dealing with.  It was all new to me.  A psychologist I spent to see for moral support didn't think it was, but suggested I keep reading the book anyway.  He said there were some parallels, and the understandings and strategies in the book might prove useful to me, which they did.  You might find it helpful too.

Just keep loving him.  That is perhaps the most powerful thing any of us can do, as much for ourselves as for the ones we love.  I would say love is the most healing force known to man ...

Take care. 

[LGT]

Just posting an update for my son. Unfortunately things have got a lot worse. He committed a crime on Saturday evening and is now in jail. 

He is pleading for us to bail him out but his father and I are concerned about his mental stability and what harm he may do to himself. It is so hard to refuse him as he is so distraught but don't feel we can offer the safety he needs. We are experiencing so many different emotions. Hurt,anger,grief, and heartbreak just to name a few. 

This is all so new to us and we are really struggling to cope.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @LGT

Are there pastoral care services and / or psychological support services available through the jail ?  It sounds like you need to seek support from professional services, and that your son requires treatment, and perhaps medication.  It will be in their interests to work with his family to try to find a manageable solution on-going.

Certainly you need to make it very clear to the authorities that you will not be able to deal with this on your own.  As with any care situation, if the carers become overwhelmed, you have the problem of needing to rescue them as well as the one initially being cared for.

Seek out support services wherever you can access them.  It's likely other people on this forum will speak up from their personal experiences to help you make your way.  Keep posting here with us.  You won't be walking through this alone if you stay in touch with others.  It is a steep learning curve, but that is what many of us have faced, and sized up to.  It happens in steps and stages, not all at once.  

Take heart.  Keep asking questions and reaching out.

[Former-Member]

@LGT, feel for you, sounds awful, hang in there, pray for wisdom, stay strong 🌷