Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[tryinghardx3]

Hi I have come here for my sanity. My partner has depression and PTSD and his children have PTSD and the youngest has issues with females especially me being in the "mum" role. When the youngest was born thier mum passed away a couple of days after the birth from a heart condition that the boys have inherited. When thier dad went to the hospital to pick up both his boys the police were called and they physically removed the boys from his arms. This happened because his mother (who at the time was living 500kms away) and his grandfather told them not to let him take the kids home. They had no idea that he was the one that did the day to day carring of the 18 month old as well as working. Family should be there for support. His mother who now lives a lot closer like 3 mins away still is very judgemental and expects the worst of her son and quite often would say he needed to go to mental hospital. His granfather who was more a father figure attributes him finally getting the children back to me and will not give my partner the credit. All I did was write a letter of complaint and the rest has been done by my partner. The children were raised by the biological grandfather and his partner. He raised the oldest boy and his partner the younger boy. They have soooooo much animosity towards each other it is not funny. The grandfather treats women like shit. The youngest and I have issues and when it is just us he misbehaves really badly as he thinks it is his faut his mum died and that it is his fault he left his grandmother and they had a career in between the grandparents that he thinks he left there because of his behaviour. I am so tired I work full time and still do heaps around the house. My emotions are so strung out and i know it will all be okay several years from now as I have 4 children of my own that turned out okay. It is just hard when as soon as my partner leaves the room that the youngest starts carrying on about how stupid he is and how much i hate him and that i want to hit him i have only smacked him once for smashing a hole in his wall. I can not let him think behaving destructively is acceptable while at the same time trying to get him to understand his behaviour determines how I react. the boys are 10 and 11

[Janna]

Hi and Welcome to the forum 😊

Your situation sounds wrought with dysfunctionality.  The dysfunctions appear to be embedded deep within the family network of your partner.  Knowing this doesn't make things easier to deal with, but rather presents you with an enormous battle because the children simply will not understand things as you see them and are themselves victims of a very dysfunctional and descrutive family system.  Unfortunately the more you try to impose your good intentioned values onto them, the more they willl rebell and see you as an opposing force.

When things become so dysfunctional it is often really beneficial to employ a third party to help mediate and navigate through the situation.  Have you considered going to relationship counselling with your partner as a starting point?  Relationship counsellors are trained in dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics and will be able to help you.  

The biggest issue I see at the moment is continuous conflict - conflict between people and households.  I believe the children are traumatised and could probably do with some therapy themselves.  Its a very difficult situation to be in - almost as if your caught between the good and bad and trying to mediate things to the best of your ability.

During stressful times like this it is really important to take care of yourself and give yourself some "time out".  If you can please indulge in some activities that are just for you and give yourself a break.  It can make the world of difference to your feelings and abilities.  When situations become intense and emotionally charged and embroilled with others it's easy to lose our perspective and fall fully into that situation to the point where it is all you live and breath.  It's OK to say "No" or to not want to do something, or to check out of a situation or not want to have to deal with something.  When you get to that point where you think "Oh, not that again" or " Why is this happening", etc. take a break.  

With regard to the youngest one who appears to become very emotional, please try to refrain from allowing his behaviour to trigger you into anger and frustration.  When he lashes out it's probably best to calmly acknowledge his feelings, offer some compassion and then give him space.  Try wherever possible to be a bit more mindful of his situation and try to come at it from a place of empathy and compassion.  Try if you can to connect with the hurt part of him and offer a safe space for him to vent his emotions.  You are the adult in this and you need to lead by example so if you can stay calm, unfrazzled, in control, and present yourself as a stable and consistent adult who cares for him I think you'll be on to a winner. Behaving destructively is not OK, however, try to view this as a symptom of what is going on in his young life, rather than a precursor.  This kid probably has a lifetime of emotions to vent, some of which will present as challenging behaviour, but you need to be there to hold and tolerate these outward expressions and let him know that you acknowlege his pain.

This is a very, very difficult situation to be in and one which sounds highly complex.  You are obviously a very strong person who is dealing admirably with a very difficult siutation.  Please keep posting on the forum as i believe there are members who will be able to offer you some hel p - even if that is only understanding.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting.

Janna ❤️

[Jewell28]

Hi all. This is my first visit to the forum and let's just say I'm impressed with all the helpful information. I would like to tell my storey in hope I will get some positive feedback and hopefully some help in the right direction. I am 46 years old and I have a 50 year old brother who has Schizophrenia and my 75 year old mother is also a Schizophrenia sufferer as well. I have had quite a challenging upbringing to say the least. However it's not about me. My father passed from lung and brain cancer 8 years ago. My question is how does everybody live and handle their life with family members that have this illness? I mean what do they do with their family members socially. I live my family and they have had schizophrenia all most all of their life. I'm sort of at wits end as I'm a full time worker. My mother is in a low care aged care facility which is lovely and she likes it there. My brother however lives in a flat on his own and he is constantly taking himself of his medication and sometimes sleeps on the streets. He does have case workers Visy him. How ever he's sometimes well and other times not. I am getting stressed and depressed as he rings me up to 6 or 7 times a day . I love him but. It's affecting me. Does anyone know of any counsellors o can talk to about this . Or does anyone have a similar storey thanks for listening

[tryinghardx3]

Thanks Janna we are all doing family councelling with a psychologist. Most of the time I am able to keep my calm and I know when to walk away. I love these boys as much as my own are in my eyes my children and I will do anything for them. I just occassionaly need an impartial ear to vent to. They have been living with us for 2 years now it has been a hard road to get to where we are and we will make it. The counselling helps with my partner as well as he also has walls up and is the most awesome caring person who has been through so much but yet still does all he can for anyone.

[Janna]

So good to hear that you are engaging in counselling.  It must be very challenging at times and i fully understand the need to vent.  It helps and I hope that venting externally via this forum has helped you.  Am also so happy to hear that counselling is helping with regard to your partner.  You sound as if you have your work cut out for you with regard to the boys.  They are so lucky to have someone as strong and insightful as yourself to help them.  Feel free to vent whenevr you want and all the best.

Janna ❤️

[supernova]

Hi @tryinghardx3,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the Forums.

Gosh it really sounds like you’re dealing with a lot right now. It must take an incredible amount of strength to be managing all of this! I second @Janna - if you just need a space to jump online and vent, we are here for you. I’m sure many of our members can relate to what you’re going through.

Also, if you haven’t already checked some of these resources out, the Raising Children website has some really helpful information about how to work with difficult behaviour and family issues. ParentLine are also a great service that you can call if you want to talk with someone about some of the things going on at home.

We’re glad you found us and look forward to hearing from you again soon!

All the best,
supernova.