Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Unravelled]

Wife is subject to episodes where she starts walking around in a semi lucid state, talks to me and will basically get up and seem to be talking to people who are not there, but will not remember any of it a few hours later. At least 10 times over the past 5 years we've been together. Apart from that, whenever we get into an argument she escalates it and turns it into 'leave me if you want!' And then starts to hit herself on the head !! I've tired to get her to get help but she consistently refuses. Have had medical imaging / consultation with surgeons and it does not seem to be a physical problem I.e tumours or anything in the brain, however she consistently refuses to have even a consultation with a psychiatrist! We've been together for about 5 years now and I've put up with this but it has become very difficult of late! Don't know what to do and I'm getting depressed about it! I don't want to leave her because I feel responsible for looking after her, and would not abandon her but I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to do!! Sex life is nearly non existent ever since we've gotten married, fights are regular based on anything and anything, she cannot handle pressure in any form (mental - either work or at home) and I'm tired of having to walk over egg shells! Don't know how to proceed, who to talk to and how to resolve this!!!

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Unravelled

When I found myself unable to help my husband, who is in denial with a mental illness, I initially sought the help of our family doctor.  

In our situation, the mental illness is presenting in the form of an eating disorder, and my husband was checking in regularly with the family doctor as he lost an enormous amount of weight across an 18 month period.  While everything seemed perfect on the surface, it was clear to us at home that things were going seriously awry, but my husband was keeping the concerning behaviours secret from the doctor, so that meant a catch-22 until I eventually managed to attend the doctor together with my husband.  

Even them it was only he beginning in trying to flag the doctor to the true nature and extent of the illness, and while my husband is still deep in denial, we are at an impasse .... how to reach him in this state of denial without him breaking his trust in the doctor and veering off into a totally unsupervised state .....

Before I managed to get through to the doctor, I went to see a psychologist, not because they could do anything for my husband, but so I could explain to a medical person what was going on, and have my concerns heard and understood.  It is important for your own well-being that you receive emotional support.

Given the circumstances over again, I would still try to communicate with the GP first.  I expect that would be your best starting point, but also consider going to a psychologist for your needs.  It may be difficult to consider that at first, as it is your wife who is unwell, but in time your situation will become clear to others, and the fact that you sought psychological support demonstrates integrity, and pro-active sensibility.

All the best with it, but keep chatting here too.  There is an online community here that can provide you with long-term social support and understanding cos we are all walking difficult paths here ....

🌷 F&H

[Tiggeroo]

Welcome @Unravelled,

I cannot agree more with @Faith-and-Hope, use your family GP. See if you can convince her to attend an appointment together and really express that is because you love her that you are concerned. Use the knowledge there is no physical issues to relay that you now need to look at other options together. Sometimes people push aside mental health issues because they suspect it themselves but cannot admit it, normalise the issue if you can. Tell her how you are feeling (depressed) and that you need support and you would like her to be a part of that. Help her to see this will be a journey you take together.

I too have felt depressed throughout the last 5 years (my partner has bipolar) and my GP has given me referrals to a psych of my own to work on coping strategies and healthy supporting techniques. Eventually if she agrees to participate in treatment, you will make it out the other side, dont ever doubt that.

The most part of my twenties has been caring for, worrying about, loving and supporting my partner, but now just before our 30's we are back where we should be, playfully arguing about normal things like when we will get married and have a family of our own. Some people wouldnt make it through the expereiences we have, but i see it this way, if my partner and i can make it through periods of psychosis, hospitalisations and medication changes, we can face anything. and you will too. 

Keep supporting, be gentle in your approach and really emphasise this is something you will do together and eventually she will come around. If you find she doesnt believe her behaviours are odd, agree together that you will document anything out of the ordinary to discuss with your GP. that way it is a medical professionals opinion, not yours (and secretly this will also assist in identifying patterns which can help speed up diagnosis, for example are her behaviours linked to hormone changes, is it bipolar and she is having ups and downs, or is it random bouts of psychosis). 

Keep talking here too, and to your friends and family if they are supportive. there will be many people with ideas of things you can try and some will work and some wont, but everything is worth trying.

Tigs

xx

[pip]

Hi Unravelled. I agree with the other replies. It's possible also she is in the early stages of dementia. Dementia can be extremely confusing and upsetting to everyone involved. Have you tried just getting her to agree to see a Dr. Mentioning psychiatrists/psychologists/counsellors can be very frightening if some one is delusional, which she could be. I would suggest you see your Dr alone first, tell him her general state, where she appears to be delusional. Ask him your best course of action. When someone is being assessed, they don't usually get asked direct questions. It's usually just a general conversation about how they feel, who they see, what do they like to do as hobbies/pastimes etc. Occasionally they may discuss who is Oz's Prime Minister, or who is their local member of parliament. They may be asked how they celebrated their birthday/wedding anniversary, but they don't get actually specifically asked direct questions. It's always kept light and conversational.