Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Cat64]

My story as a carer started 16 years ago when my husband was diagnosed with Schizo effective disorder  (parodoid shizophrenic). At the time our daughters were 6 and 8. After 6 weeks or so of radical behaviour I finally sought help and watched him being taken away by the police. Not pretty and very, very scary. Time has gone on, I have learned alot about his condition, been there through thick and thin and many, many hospital visits since then. A year ago was his longest time frame of 9 weeks, and he is currently there again - so far 4 weeks. His recovery was progressing reasonably well. Changes of meds as usual - which in it self is always a roller coaster ride. I did try for 12 weeks prior to hospitalisation to treat him at home with support from our mental health team. We live in a remote area of the south west so very isolated.

Any way this episode and the last have been very directed towards me, with accusations I won't go into on here. It is soul destroying when you are constantly accused of things you would never in the world dream of doing, and when my husband is well - he wouldn't even think such things.

I have just returned from three days for trial outings with him. The first day went reasonably well, the second not so good and the third which was over night was a disaster. I refused to go in to see the dr - my husband told them all went well so they nurse came out to the car and asked if it did, which I said no it didn't. I ended up having an interview with the dr on my own, then had a very brief talk to hubby before I left him there once again. He was to be discharged yesterday, so he was not very happy about it not happening. I walked out with him screaming more accusations at me.

The point I am getting at here is right now I fell totally crushed, alone, and very very sad. I have been with my husband for over 35 years and am now at the stage of wondering why I do it, put up with the episodes and whether to stay in the marriage or not. I love him with all my heart, but am just feeling so torn.

When he is well he is a beuatiful caring man, with a huge heart and very supportive. He is a wonderful father and grand father. Unfortunately during this episode he accused my daughters husband of things the my daughter is not happy with and she has now told me she doesn't want anything to do with him. This is going to break his heart, and bring more stress upon an already tense situation.

I don't expect answers hear, just feel the need to vent. I have only come across this page tonight, so have posted this in haste. Does anyone else have theses kinds of things going on, and if so how do you deal with it.

My daughters are actually saying they are scared of how far he can go with these delusions and are very worried about me. we live on 114 acres in seclusion, so that worries the,. I however have never feared of being harmed by my husband. It's hard when you see the way psychotic people are portrayed in the media.

Thank you for reading my stroy, which I really have only touched the surface. I send love and light to all of you out there who are carer for someone with a mental illness and wish you well xx

[Mosaic]

Hi @Cat64

Firstly welcome to the Forums and thank you for your bravery in sharing some of your story (though as you say, you have only just touched the surface). I look forward to hearing more about how things are going for you and your husband and family.

There are a few members on here that may be able to offer some support around the circumstances you are facing. I know @kenny66 has a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. If you're interested, you can read a bit more about his story here. Fellow carer @Sunny has shared about their brothers roller coaster journey with schizoaffective disorder here and a few other members have also jumped in to share their experiences about reaching their limit in supporting their loved one. @Mrscaptargo 's husband has a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder and she has shared about her experience here.

Also, a while ago @zipper began a discussion about wives caring for husbands, which many people in the carers forums continue to find helpful.

I hope some of these members and others might be able to share with you a bit more about their experience, and that you are able to get something from hearing their stories as well.

Again welcome to the Forums and look forward to seeing you around the place! 🙂

All the best,
Mosaic. 

[Cat64]

Thank you Mosaic. I'm not feeling so confused today. 'G' is settling. I think walking away is too easy...but then again, probably harder than staying to tell the truth. I love this man and know he adores and loves me, so working through once again is the only way to go.

[NikNik]

Don't forget to take care of yourself @Cat64
I imagine that would be hard to do, given how remote you are. Do you have things you do to take care of yourself?

[Cat64]

Hi NikNik,

Yes I do things for myself...walk in the forest, paint, draw, gardening, hanging out with my daughters and grand daughters.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Cat64,

When people are unwell they can behave in way that's not in their character. I think this is one the  (many) challenging things when caring for someone with a MI - knowing what is them, and what is their. I know it's easier said then done, but reminding yourself that his behaviour is a symptom of his illness. It's not take away the impact that his actions has on you, but it may help to know that it's not a personal attack, it's the illness talking. 

When you're feeling worn out and frustrated, it's only natural to want to give-up. For many, it seems like it might give them some relief. Remember, making big decisions like leaving, can create more stress. So perhaps hold off from making any big life time decisions while things are up in the air. In the mean time, can you do something to care for you? Even if it's just a cup of tea, or catch up with a friend?

There are some other carers on here who I think you might be able to relate to as they also care for their partners. @Violet @Former-Member and @Shaz51. Do you have any words of support/advice for @Cat64?

CherryBomb

[Shaz51]

Hello Cat64    Yes i know exactly what you mean , my hubby`s depression goes in a cycle , he is a loving husband and father  a lot of the time .

[Former-Member]

Hi @Cat64

I think that @CherryBomb is correct in suggesting that when you are in the middle of upheaval is not the best time to make life changing decisions.

I had it explained to me by a counselor that within a relationship you can be three people. The child who plays which is good but also runs away when things get difficult. The parent who is the carer who can become the self-sacrificing caretaker. Maybe necessary in the short term but not good for long-term. Lastly the adult who accepts their situation and applies problem solving and planning to try and make the best outcome possible. 

I can understand wanting to run away however I also love my partner and would never choose to leave. 

Cheers.

[Shaz51]

    Hi @Cat64,  

I can understand wanting to run away however I also love my partner and would never choose to leave. 

@CherryBomb, that is gret advice @Former-Member, because i know he still loves me

[Shaz51]

Hi   @Carer101i

this is the one i am learning  to do ---- Lastly the adult who accepts their situation and applies problem solving and planning to try and make the best outcome possible.